April 6, 2010

I'm trying to breakdown Loretta's evaluation of Leroy in this scene. While it's quite likely that Leroy has failed in all three elements of his wedding vows, the fact that Loretta only mentions that he is no good at multi-tasking may imply that he could be faithful in at least one of the categories. If I had to pick one of the three it would be "honor". I guess since Leroy has yet to actually divorce Loretta, he has honored their unholy union. From a process of elimination perspective, it certainly can't be "love" since that's physically impossible for a Lockhorn, while "cherish" would imply some degree of happiness, a highly unlikely scenario. One can still miserably and begrudgingly "honor" an agreement. Yet another push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 27
Loretta - 38
Push - 31

April 5, 2010

Looks like the Lockhorns are carefully sowing the seeds for another year of robust, heated disputes with the agents of their local IRS branch. I for one am already gearing up for what I expect to be some epic showdowns between the Lockhorns and the federal government. Just how many audits will the Lockhorns experience? Will this finally be the year when the IRS sends Leroy to prison for decades of improper tax reporting? What sort of wacky responses does Leroy have in store for the unfortunate IRS agent handling his case? Let the games begin! Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 27
Loretta - 38
Push - 30

April 4, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Leave it to Loretta to exploit Leroy's deep-seated middle-aged insecurities to get him to do chores around the house. There's really no way Loretta could have lost in this situation. Leroy does the work, Loretta brags to her bespectacled friend about how susceptible to manipulation Leroy is. If Leroy refuses to do the yard work, Loretta could complain to her bespectacled friend about how lazy Leroy was. Game. Set. Match. Loretta starts off the Sunday with a point.
• You really can't tell what unexpected and wondrous avenues Loretta will take with her insults. For example, in this scene you would expect that Loretta would throw out some lazy line about the unflattering nature of Leroy's pants. However, she surprises all (especially Leroy) with a surprising dig at Leroy's at-home slobbiness and his inability to properly put his dirty clothes in the hamper. Forget even evaluating the pants for purchase, she's already thinking two moves ahead. She's really putting on a clinic today, 2-0.
• Even the supposedly boundless capabilities of the Internet are no match for Loretta on a shopping binge. As it turns out, given the ease and flexibility of E-Commerce, Loretta can make purchases totaling in the billions. Somehow she has managed to accumulate such an astronomical amount of items to purchase that the whole of the Internet cannot match it. It was a case of an unstoppable shopping force running into a seemingly infinite shop and the shop had to cry "no mas". All Leroy can do is mock her and hope for more time from the creditors. Loretta still leads 2-1.
• If I was the parent of a new born, I would do everything in my power to prevent any exposure between my infant and the Lockhorns. The exposure to such a harsh dose of terminal unhappiness and spite could possibly be fatal (additionally, the grotesquely misshapen features of the Lockhorns would likely induce life long trauma). Someone should really alert child services about the above couple, no child should be in the same room with such terrible insults (or adults for that matter). Negligent parents aside, Loretta takes over 3-1.
• It looks like we're in for another one of Leroy's deep insights into the fragile complexities of love. Professor Leroy's lesson on love for today? Love will lead to your complete downfall and personal ruin. However, I am a little suspicious about Leroy's conclusions. His reference to personal experience would imply that he actually was at one point "in love" with Loretta, which is obviously a total fiction. Regardless, Leroy can still be credited with a point. So after one of the most spirited of Sunday Showdowns, Loretta holds on for the 3-2 win.
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 27
Loretta - 38
Push - 29

April 3, 2010

Leroy sees Loretta conversing with an acquaintance in a state of disturbingly delirious joy and immediately rushes into action with a well executed, behind the back, put down. Leroy's statement doesn't even seem to be hyperbole; whatever monologue Loretta is so gleefully engaged in has obviously sucked all the joy out of the blank, empty void where the cocktail party is being held. Leroy's bald friend on the right looks downright suicidal. Also, on a random note, doesn't Loretta's facial expression eerily resemble the "Awesome Smiley" emoticon? Freaky. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 27
Loretta - 37
Push - 29

April 2, 2010

Loretta's statement about Leroy's unseen belt is obviously supposed to be a cruel dig at his paunchy physique, but it's also a pretty accurate observation. In all this time I've been following the Lockhorns I cannot recall a single scene where Leroy was indeed wearing a belt. From his usual collared shirt and black pants ensemble to his formal cocktail party suits, it's always just been black pants. I never even noticed Leroy didn't have a belt until this very scene. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure no one wears a belt in the entire Lockhorns universe! My mind has been officially blown. Also, Leroy is indeed a fatty. Loretta earns a point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 26
Loretta - 37
Push - 29

April 1, 2010

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When Loretta totals the family car, you make a snide remark. After coming home to see that his dangerously reckless wife has smashed his latest car beyond recognition, possibly committed a few fatal hit and runs, all the while coming home from a trip to the mall where she exponentially multiplied the household's already hefty debt, all Leroy can do is drop a caustic comment about her poor driving skills. It's just another Thursday for the Lockhorns. It's a point for Leroy.

Official Count:

Leroy - 26
Loretta - 36
Push - 29

March 31, 2010

It looks like another one of Leroy's deceptions to give the illusion that he can read has been called out by Loretta again. Loretta has quickly caught on to Leroy's scheme of pretending to read the novelizations/the original source materials of movies he has already seen. Apparently his pantomimed reading of "The Lovely Bones" wasn't good enough to deceive Loretta. At the very least, Leroy can take faint comfort in the fact that this discovery was a private embarrassment rather than in front of their friends and neighbors at a cocktail party (although it's more than likely that Loretta will mention this anyway at the next cocktail party). Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 25
Loretta - 36
Push - 29