April 30, 2009

Loretta's zinger seems to be a little off here. What's the correlation between breaking a 100 and striking fear in anyone? I mean breaking 100 is an admirable goal for any amateur golfer, but most experienced players would want to shoot a little better than that; it's definitely not anything that would impress or shock anyone. Perhaps they played on the Black course at Bethpage, one of the most difficult courses in the world, where an amateur round under a 100 is something to admire. Of course I could just be reading far too much into what's probably just a generic "Leroy is bad at golf" joke. Match goes to Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 32

Loretta - 44

Push - 44

April 29, 2009

It looks like the Lockhorns' perpetually worsening financial situation will force them to curtail their traveling plans. The immediate benefit coming out of this piece of new would be that this greatly reduces the odds of more scenes of the Lockhorns at the airport complaining about overly intrusive strip searches. However, will this mean there will possibly be a whole series of upcoming panels with Leroy and Loretta complaining about overly intrusive strip searches at the library? We continue to push on.

Official Count:

Leroy - 32

Loretta - 43

Push - 44

April 28, 2009

Ah the good Dr. Blog, always utilizing the "laughter is the best medicine" approach to treating his patients. While one might suspect Leroy is inquiring into the modern day use of medicinal leeches for complicated microsurgery, it's more likely that Leroy is just incredibly wary of "modern medicine" which entails any new fangled medical procedures developed after the development of the polio vaccine. In either case, Dr. Blog's wise cracks about the blood sucking nature of his collections department seems to be doing nothing to ease Leroy's excruciating pain. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 32

Loretta - 43

Push - 43

April 27, 2009

It looks like Loretta just recently discovered this whole new "Internet" thing and from the looks of things there are just too many horrifying implications that could drawn from that broad statement. Just where does the computer take you Loretta? Any new emails on that AOL account? Did you manage to get the comic sans text up on your Anglefire website? What's the goings on over at the shopaholics anonymous forums? Are you tracking that Amazon order for commercial grade rat poison? Any responses from your "middle aged bbw w4m" casual encounters posting on craigslist? Have you uploaded that video file to the freakishly large foot fetish website yet? One place it has taken you thus far is to today's point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 32

Loretta - 43

Push - 42

April 26, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• I originally thought that the "Book Revue" was just an outdated generic term for a book store, but as it turned out, it's the name of an actual book store in the Lockhorns' native Long Island. Every time the Lockhorns enter a bookstore (well, basically any store) it becomes a footrace between them to drop a location specific insult on the other. Had Leroy been a step faster it very well could have been Leroy telling Loretta not to waste money on cookbooks instead of her insulting his inept home improvement skills and getting the point.
  
• If it wasn't for the caption, I would have sworn Leroy was suffering a major heart attack. He's got the look of unbearable pain in his chest and the numb looking right arm. The caption for that would have been something along the lines of Leroy suffering a heart attack because he saw Loretta' bill. Even if it wasn't a heart attack, Leroy's attempt to turn his minor ailment into a dig on Loretta's lifelong struggles with shopping addiction is still a winner. All tied up.
• Come on Loretta, really? The only thing? As someone who's been harping on his legendary cheapskate tendencies for all these decades, we both know that Leroy would take every possible "free" item from a hotel room that wasn't bolted down. How do think he manages to furnish the living room on his meager salary? Also, what exactly is the point of putting a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the inside door to your house? Push.
• It appears that the Lockhorns have again gotten so lost that they've managed to break free of the bonds of space and time. This time around, in an attempt to find some random bistro noted in a doctor's office manage, the Lockhorns have managed to travel back to a Depression Era dinner. If only Leroy would just swallow his pride and ask for some directions. Push to the future.
  
• Obviously the rotary phone, analog television owning Lockhorns are nowhere near tech savvy enough to be carrying multiple portable electronic gadgets and cellphones. I'm going to assume that they just spent 20 frustrating minutes attempting to turn off Leroy's beeper. With a 3 to 1 advantage, the day has turned out to be an overwhelming push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 32

Loretta - 42

Push - 42

April 25, 2009

It's a pretty safe bet to assume that Leroy, in stark contrast to his former, acid dropping, hippie radical friend, was pretty much the same conservative square wearing the same black trouser/colored polo shirt combo he sports everyday. Judging by the wistful look in his eyes, it appears he's overwhelmed with nostalgia and possible regret that he never got in with the counterculture generation and stood for some causes. The clothes could also be reminding him of those fading memories, which grow more and more distant day by day, of happiness as a single man before he got married to Loretta. And of course Loretta's right there with a handy fat joke to bring the point home.

Official Count:

Leroy - 32

Loretta - 42

Push - 41

April 24, 2009

Looks like the Lockhorns are hosting another one of their classy, alternate dimension, formal dinner parties again with Loretta providing the entertainment. The whole thing sort of takes on a perverse David Lynch-like quality; a landscape of monochromatic oblivion littered by a bunch of mysterious well dressed individuals vacantly staring at this hypnotically bizarre looking dwarfish figure incoherently singing and playing the piano. Taking Leroy's destructive criticism and abruptly smashing the piano at the end of her maddening set probably would have been the perfect exclamation point to this journey to into the frightening surreal. Leroy scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 32

Loretta - 41

Push - 41

April 23, 2009

Sadly this is one of the closest things to "fun" in Leroy's boundlessly depressing life. After a another wasted day of humiliating insignificance at work and a evening of toxic dinners and arguing with the even more toxic Loretta, Leroy enjoys kicking his feet up and calling tech support centers for products that he doesn't own. It allows him to enjoy the delusion of vicariously owning products that his meager paycheck and his wife's shopping addiction prevent him from ever affording. In addition, it gives him a chance to exercise his two other great passions: being excessively cheap and being unbearably obnoxious to others. Also, was anyone else more than a little surprised to see that the Lockhorn's home computer didn't involve a room full of vacuum tubes and reel-to-reel tape drives? Push, indeed.

Official Count:

Leroy - 31

Loretta - 41

Push - 41

April 22, 2009

It's always funny to see the hopelessly outdated Lockhorns use modern phrases like "go green". Yes even the Lockhorns seem to be getting into the general spirit of Earth Day, albeit involuntarily. They do however demonstrate a powerful way one can contribute to helping the environment: amass such a crippling amount of debt that all your polluting and energy consuming possessions will be repossessed by creditors. Forget switching to compact fluorescent bulbs and driving a hybrid. An empty home on the verge of total bankruptcy is a surefire way to dramatically reduce one's carbon footprint. Looks like the Earth's the real winner this round, push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 31

Loretta - 41

Push - 40

April 21, 2009

Today we are treated to a rare scene at Leroy's workplace. Frankly, I find the whole situation shocking and incongruous. Are we really supposed to believe that Leroy is some sort of lawyer with enough clout at the firm to have a windowed office and a personal legal secretary? Wouldn't that indicate a potentially higher than average salary and enough intelligence for a post graduate education? This is a far cry from the cubicle slaving, interchangeable salaryman I had in my mind. Of course, this may all become a moot point since Leroy will no doubt be immediately fired in the coming weeks (or worse if it turns out she actually is underage) for making inappropriate comments towards our vacant looking, two finger typing secretary; whom he obviously hired to hit on. And when that moment comes Loretta will just laugh and laugh and laugh and score another point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 31

Loretta - 41

Push - 39

April 20, 2009

Leroy Lockhorn, unhappy spouse. A man with barely any will to live. Gentleman we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's worst husband. Leroy Lockhorn will be that husband. Worse than we was before. Fatter, lazier, drunker.

[Cue Theme Song]

Still a push though in the end.

Official Count:

Leroy - 31

Loretta - 40

Push - 39

April 19, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta brings on a full force smackdown on Leroy. Not only has she thoroughly emasculated him by besting him at the links, she then calls out his pathetic attempts to cheat on the scorecard with a sharply placed double entendre. Blowouts don't come any bigger than this. Of course Leroy's real best lie is when he tells himself every morning to get out of bed: that his life is worth living. Opening point goes to Loretta.
• Leroy takes spiteful pleasure in flaunting to Loretta that despite her best efforts to poison him, he remains unscathed. It's one of the few things in Leroy's wretched suburban existence that actually brings him joy. Every horrible tasting, oddly colored spoonful he manages to choke down is an indictment on Loretta's failure at mariticide. Leroy comes back to tie.
• Since the electronic automatic teller machine was introduced around the late 60s, it appears that it is just another piece of new fangled modern technology that the Lockhorns are woefully unfamiliar with. They'll no doubt afterwords look for the pneumatic tube where they can send a message to the operator on the otherline. Also, shouldn't three cherries indicate that the machine going to give the Lockhorns a bunch of money or something? A bewildering push.
• Shouldn't the phrase be more like "it was like every waking moment of our lives together..."? How was this experience different from all the other moments they've spent together? At least we now know that the Lockhorns marriage didn't gradually fall out of love over the years but that they hated each other apparently since the moment they were inexplicably married. Leroy gets the lead.
• Is this a case of Leroy's trademark toxic personality alienating the Lockhorns from the local "Cost Mart"? Or is it a cleverly planned ruse to prevent another Loretta shopping spree at a store? Perhaps a little bit of both? Now Loretta could have scored herself a point by exploiting this embarrassing social incident, but she just objectively comments on her observations and keeps the whole thing a push. With that Leroy turns in a solid performance and takes the day 2-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 31

Loretta - 40

Push - 38

April 18, 2009

Leroy seems to have the numerous definitions of the word "charm" hopelessly confused. The "charms" on Loretta's mother's bracelet are small ornaments. Leroy thinks they are charms in that they literally produce a pleasing or attractive quality. Perhaps he considers them charms in the sense that they are items of magical power that create charm the personal quality? At least he didn't confuse them with the second-generation quark. Either way, the just joke still doesn't make much sense. However, we don't usually reward Leroy for his rapier wit, we just look to see if it got Loretta upset, which it clearly has. I also enjoy how the brown documents Leroy and Loretta's mom are holding have absolutely no purpose in the scene at all. Leroy wins the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 30

Loretta - 40

Push - 38

April 17, 2009

Mothers lock up your monstrously tall, Amazonian, model type daughters, Leroy's on the prowl. And by prowl, I mean he basically looks like a deranged serial killer. The poor guy; he musters up whatever quantum of self esteem he has left after being belittled all day by Loretta and his work life in an attempt to look somewhat sharp, and falls flat on his gigantic, misshapen face. Loretta almost doesn't even have to go through the rigmarole of her standard setup and punchline; Leroy does a pretty good job on his own. Also, relative to everyone else in the room, doesn't Leroy's floozy appear to be a bit under dressed for the occasion? I guess if you're a freakish caricature of a man's ideal woman you can pull off the hot pink crop top and capri jeans look at what looks like a funeral reception. The point still goes to Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 29

Loretta - 40

Push - 38

April 16, 2009

Oh Leroy, after about a century or so of marriage to Loretta, you of all people should know full well that she is incapable of any personal fiscal restraint when she's at the mall. She'll get fancy, she'll get schmancy, and a whole bunch of specially made, oversized, designer shoes as well. At the very least, your presence with her will give you an outside chance of nominally curtailing her purchases. You could try physically restraining her or possibly alienating the store owner to the point where you're kicked out. However, I think your best bet is to attack Loretta's self imagine and motivation to by clothes through hurtful comments about her aging looks. Good luck, Leroy Lockhorn, good luck. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 29

Loretta - 39

Push - 38

April 15, 2009

With today being Tax Day in the United States, this is a surprisingly rare display of the Lockhorns actually being current and topical. Of course, since the Lockhorns view their marriage with the same universal dislike and uniform unpleasantness that most people view taxes, it's not all that shocking that the Lockhorns would acknowledge today. While it looks like Leroy may be in serious trouble with the IRS over his Wesley Snipes-esque brazen disregard for his tax obligations, it's likely that the IRS will go easy on him considering how little taxable income he makes any way. This is actually a defeat for Leroy, who obviously cheated openly on his taxes in an attempt to get sent to prison and away from Loretta. Perhaps next year. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 29

Loretta - 39

Push - 37

April 14, 2009

Now what could be causing this baby to cry? Is it: a) hungry for some milk, b) grumpy from having just woken up, c) just a suffering from a case of infant colic, or d) completely traumatized by the freakish sight of the Lockhorns and their hideous features? Also, it's nice to see that Loretta is trying to instill her cynical views on married life to a young infant. This youthful looking pair are quite a change of pace from the usual sad eyed, middle aged, couples that the Lockhorns usually run with. It appears that, having emotionally sucked most of their friends and neighbors dry of all happiness and enthusiasm, the Lockhorns are searching for new blood. For their sake, I hope they can escape before it's too late. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 29

Loretta - 39

Push - 36

April 13, 2009

Oh those poor Lockhorn neighbors. Not only do they have to put up with the constant nuisance of the sounds of their nightly fighting (not to mention the sort of damage that living next to them would do to one's property values), they also get these frequent doses of their spite-filled "wisdom" free of charge. It looks like they're using a divide and annoy strategy here with each going after their gender equivalents. Leroy seems to have won this foot race by getting his "marriage is prison" rant in before Loretta could even break her false smile to start on hers. The point goes to Leroy.

Official Count:

Leroy - 29

Loretta - 39

Push - 35

April 12, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• I must commend Leroy on a quality double dose of disrespect to kick off the showdown. Not only is he flagrantly insulting his wife by going out of his way to be chivalrous to the impossibly proportioned model type woman in front of her, the real kicker that he is using her very coat to accomplish it. Nothing like ruining your wife's self esteem and her clothes at the same time. It's almost worth two points for Leroy all together.
• Calling the mother-in-law a straight up bitch, crude but still quite effective. You better believe Leroy intentionally said it as loud as possible so Loretta's mother could hear it as well. Loretta is angry, Loretta's mom is angry; it's another quality double play. Leroy storms out of the gate with some of his most effective points yet.
• Based on the facial expressions, I think I may have to give this one to Leroy as well. Loretta really must have had her heart set for a nice evening out to the concert hall, getting her hair all boxed up and puting on her most elegant mauve muumuu. However she should know better by now that bringing Leroy along to any cultural event automatically ruins it. Leroy clinches.
  
• I always wonder what Leroy must be talking about that causes so many frequent angry moments and conversations at these dinner parties. Is it his bitterly pessimistic view on marriage? His cold nihilist view of the world? Perhaps maybe some outdated racist comments? Whatever it is, it keeps Loretta rolling in the points.
• Looks like the Lockhorns are turning their trenchant, topical, wit away from each other and really socking it to the American Healthcare System. This totally would have been funnier if the carriage van said "morgue". With that push, Leroy official wins the day with a commanding 3 to 1 margin.
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 28

Loretta - 39

Push - 35

April 11, 2009

Well it looks like the Lockhorns won't be bothered by any more future party invitations by the Lenharts. One has to wonder what sort of outrageous party faux pas have the Lockhorns committed to get booted out of this recent shindig. Perhaps Leroy was caught gorging on all the shrimp puffs. Perhaps it was his lewd drunken behavior. Maybe it was Loretta's bitter put downs and backhanded compliments. Or maybe the couples' uncomfortably public display of yelling and arguing was just bringing everybody down. If you ask me, I think they got booted because Leroy made a pass at the hostess. She's blond and has the impossible physical dimensions that he looks for in women. It's another push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 27

Loretta - 39

Push - 35

April 10, 2009

Loretta gets herself into one of her classic "female motorist" problems again and this time engages in more female stereotypes when confronted with the police. Unfortunately Leroy is nowhere to be found to capitalize on this moment. It's really quite disturbing how little regard Loretta seems to have for automobile rules, whether they be while driving or parking. Officer Rolly Fingers should be commended for doing everything in his power to keep the dangerous Loretta off the road. On a side note, I had to look up what color "taupe" was; it's definitely not one on the Crayola box. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 27

Loretta - 39

Push - 34

April 9, 2009

Leroy calling out Loretta for her uncontrollable shopping compulsions, pretty standard fare. In fact, this scene seems too believable and realistic to actually be considered all that funny. I'm sure there are plenty of actual married couples who argue over unauthorized purchases at the end of the month. Since this is Loretta we're talking about, I expected the situation to be a little bit more exaggerated. Couldn't it have been a bill for a hippopotamus or rocket ship or something? Leroy still gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 27

Loretta - 39

Push - 33

April 8, 2009

Based on the lack of eye contact and the completely vacant look on her face, it appears that Loretta's friend may have finally reached her fill of terrible unilateral puns and one liners. Why is she even here in the first place? Was she lured under false pretenses by Loretta so she could help her with household cleaning? Judging by the look of things it's obvious that Leroy has passed out on the couch in a drunken coma leaving Loretta to clean up all the sick he left in the bathroom floor prior to his blackout. Although it's Loretta who gets the point for the insult, a part of me is tempted to give Leroy the win.

Official Count:

Leroy - 26

Loretta - 39

Push - 33

April 7, 2009

Since when did the Lockhorns get so arrogant about party invitations? Between Leroy's sloppy drinking, Loretta's relentless negativity, and the overall cloud of unhappiness that permanently follows them around as a couple, there wouldn't be a single household in all of Long Island that be willing to invite them over. The Lockhorns should thank their lucky stars that there still remains people tolerant enough to allow them to attend their gin soaked swinging cocktail parties. Looks like today's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 26

Loretta - 38

Push - 33

April 6, 2009

At what point over the past forty years has it ever been implied that Leroy was a "moneybags"? Was it during all those episodes of poor tipping at restaurants? Or was it when he got the meager paychecks from his dead end job? Maybe all those times he refused to give Loretta any money? Perhaps it's based on the fact that he's been wearing the same clothes day in and day out? It's really easy to drop punchlines on people when you totally make up the set up. While the sight of Leroy wistfully looking for change in the payphone is quite sad. The fact that he assumes people still use payphones is even sadder. Chalk up another point for Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 26

Loretta - 38

Push - 32

April 5, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• It's a refreshing sight to see the Lockhorns taking a rare trip out to the great outdoors to shoot a round of golf, free from the the usual stark monochromatic surroundings of their home/prison. However it appears that even a relaxing round of golf does little to assuage their simmering marital tensions. It's doubtful that they even take traditional score. I think they just tally up their continuous taunts and insults at each other over 18 holes and decide on a winner (I like to call this scoring system "spite play"). Here we see Loretta (in a sharp golfing ensemble I might add) going one up on Leroy.
• I'm not really familiar with the workings of the F.B.I., but I can't imagine there to be any department over in Quantico that would concern itself with cracking secret dinner recipes. Unless of course Loretta's food is so terrible that it is considered some sort of chemical weapon or national security threat. Its consistent gray composition and lumpy texture seems to indicate some sort of plastic explosive. Leroy ties it up.
• A simple turn of a phrase is all Loretta needs to irk Leroy. This sort of deadly efficiency is just another reason Loretta currently enjoys a double digit lead in the year long tally. She better open her eyes up quick though, it looks like Leroy is just about to slug her right in her smug, misshapen face. Loretta takes the lead 2-1.
  
• Apparently the Lockhorns have become victims of every facet of the recent economic recession from potential layoffs, credit card debt, toxic home mortgages, and now the failing stock market. I'm just waiting for the upcoming panel where it turns out the Lockhorns invested most of their retirement money with Bernie Maddoff. Alas, it's just a push.
  
• It's a rare panel of the Lockhorns at the airport that does not conclude with a joke about over zealous personal searches. I would think Loretta would be flattered at Leroy's comment about her sharp tongue, but the brow remains furrowed. Is it me or this the third cameo by the same mysterious black suited man in today's showdown? If I were speculating on a story, I'm going to say that he is a close personal friend of the Lockhorns. Over the course of the strip he comes over for dinner, he helps them with their portfolio, and eventually joins them in fleeing the country to avoid their numerous creditors. It looks like this Sunday will end in a 2-2 tie, which means an overall push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 26

Loretta - 37

Push - 32

April 4, 2009

One can only imagine the sort of twisted acts of drunken depravity that Leroy and his fellow portly friend committed the night before. It is obvious that Leroy's shit is most definitely a mess. It's such a mess that he can only make confusing, nonsensical references to Jeopardy. Despite his sorry condition, I'm actually going to have to give this one to Leroy. In his sad display of pathetic drunkenness, he has managed to embarrass and disappoint Loretta enough to the point where he can claim ultimate victory.

Official Count:

Leroy - 26

Loretta - 37

Push - 31

April 3, 2009

In a rare display of actual continuity, it seems the Lockhorns made it through their demeaning cavity check from yesterday in time to board their flight; which in true Lockhorns fashion appears to be on the defunct Braniff airline...in the late 60's. I'm sure they're quite exited to be at the forefront of this exciting new "Jet Age" they've been hearing so much about. Loretta does a fine job of shooting down the perpetually lecherous Leroy from trying his usual smooth talk on the sexy stewardess. The cock has been thoroughly blocked. Give that woman a point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 25

Loretta - 37

Push - 31

April 2, 2009

The thought of Leroy and Loretta being thoroughly violated by an overly intrusive airport strip search is truly horrifying. However, the one positive we can take from this the fact that it took a long four months to run a "Lockhorns get defiled by modern airport security" panel. In the early years following 9/11 and the sharp increase in nationwide airport security, these airport panels seemed to come up on a weekly basis. At this rate, I can optimistically predict that we'll only have to come across them maybe two more times for the rest of the year. Also, does Loretta really have use her outdated Zack Morris cell phone to bother her mother about her humiliating ordeal? Push for everyone.

Official Count:

Leroy - 25

Loretta - 36

Push - 31

April 1, 2009

You have to admire Leroy's dedication. The initial instinct for most people in his situation would be to clear the room or to open the windows to prevent death by smoke inhalation. Despite the black billowing smoke that's slowly choking the dinning area, Leroy maintains his composure and continues with his usual criticism of Loretta's food. Of course this could all just be another idle suicide attempt by Leroy, in which case the only appropriate prayer would actually be "ashes to ashes, dust to dust." Live or die, Leroy still gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 25

Loretta - 36

Push - 30