November 7, 2013

Morning Commute

Official Count:

Leroy - 102

Loretta - 133

Push - 76

August 27, 2013

Team Leroy

*Author's Note: Are the Lockhorns trying to save money by going to movies five years after their original run?

Official Count:

Leroy - 79

Loretta - 104

Push - 56

June 11, 2013

The Bald Truth

Official Count:

Leroy - 57

Loretta - 71

Push - 34

November 26, 2012

Not In My Backyard

*Author's note: This is either the home of the moving neighbors from yesterday or a sign that the housing market has recovered enough for more of the Lockhorns' neighbors to finally move away.

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 131

Push - 81

October 27, 2012

Double Threat

Official Count:

Leroy - 105

Loretta - 120

Push - 76

April 17, 2012

A Little Off The Sides

Official Count:

Leroy - 37

Loretta - 48

Push - 23

April 4, 2012

Identity Theft Security

Official Count:

Leroy - 34

Loretta - 45

Push - 16

February 29, 2012

Bald Faced Liar

Official Count:

Leroy - 20

Loretta - 29

Push - 11

July 15, 2011

Streaming, Flaxen, Waxen

Official Count:

Leroy - 73
Loretta - 77

Push - 46

Mary 17, 2011

Hair Loss

*Author's Note: I did some searching and, unfortunately, found that there is no actual toupee store on Long Island called "Hair Apparent".

Official Count:

Leroy - 52
Loretta - 49

Push - 36

January 9, 2010

Nine days into the new year and Leroy has yet to abandon his futile yearly resolution to start getting into shape. This may very well be a personal best. Loretta has, unfortunately thus far, failed to capitalize on this golden opportunity to mercilessly mock Leroy as he fails miserably at the gym. It really should be Loretta, not Leroy, delivering the above unflattering statement about his excess baggage. Meanwhile the seriously disinterested gym employee, who has long since zoned out Leroy voice, continues to wonder if it isn't too late for him to go back and finish college. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 2
Push - 6

December 8, 2009

Like a rooster at dawn, Leroy is immediately greeted at the start of every morning with a mean spirited barb by Loretta; signaling the start of another unbearable day of failure. Judging by Leroy's drained, haggard appearance, it seems that Loretta's sadistic schedule of sleep deprivation is coming along quite nicely. While she seems well on her way towards completely breaking down Leroy mentally and physically, she still manages to score some extra points on the side by additionally mocking Leroy's ever degenerating physical state. One would expect nothing less than such a thorough effort from Loretta. A well earned point for Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 107
Loretta - 137
Push - 98

November 2, 2009

After having been exposed to nearly a year's worth of the Lockhorns' explorations into the depths of human cruelty and spitefulness, you would think that I would no longer be surprised by whatever indignities Leroy and Loretta have in store for each other. However, I found today's bathroom scene to be particularly sad. Leroy stands aside Loretta a completely broken man, too devastated by Loretta's sadistically well played double insult of his hair and weight to even look back in anger. The juxtaposition of Leroy's look of utter despondence and Loretta's expression of pure joy is nothing short of compelling. Loretta wins.

Official Count:

Leroy - 94
Loretta - 121
Push - 91

October 1, 2009

While waiting for Leroy to finish his examination by Dr. Blog, Loretta makes a dazzlingly clever pun based off of the food pyramid. Unfortunately, neither the good doctor, nor Leroy seem amused in the slightest. Given Dr. Blog's long established reputation as an ineffective, borderline incompetent, physician who is unambiguously in the pocket of Leroy's unscrupulous health care provider, it's no surprise that he employs a completely outdated poster of the food pyramid. The possibility that Loretta is getting erroneous, outdated information about personal nutrition however is irrelevant since nothing Loretta cooks can be categorized as food (an insult opportunity missed by Leroy). Loretta gets in the fat joke and the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 84
Loretta - 105
Push - 85

August 10, 2009

While Loretta has made no ambiguities over the decades about her disdain for Leroy's wandering eye; it's pretty obvious to everyone that no female would ever want any sort of physical contact with Leroy. Since Loretta already knows this for a fact, her initial questions about suspicious hairs were obviously just a front to remind Leroy of and to mock his increasing baldness. Lately Loretta has been focusing mostly on Leroy's expanding midsection when it came to the physical insults, so it's a refreshing change of pace to see her start working the head. Loretta gains a point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 67
Loretta - 82
Push - 73

July 20, 2009

Here Loretta pulls off a rather tricky and complex maneuver. On the surface she is apparently shooting herself down by making unflattering comments about her growing mustache and increasing baldness. However, in actually it is a clever bit of acting with the real goal being, of course, dissing Leroy by indirectly pointing out his flawed features. While the clever rouse is commendable, Loretta really could have replaced "moustache" with one of Leroy many other more unflattering physical features like his weight to his perpetual slouch of defeat. I have yet to see a single scene where Leroy has come anywhere close to showing facial hair. Still a well deserved point for Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 63
Loretta - 73
Push - 65

July 6, 2009

An extra round of applause should be given to Loretta who manages to not only make a nice cutting remark about Leroy's weight problem, but manages to use a reference that isn't at least a decade old. While it isn't exactly late night talk show monologue current, it's still an incredibly rare feat of moderate topicality. Adding another wrinkle of aptness here is, given the Lockhorns' long history of financial problems, that Loretta's phrase is synonymous similar economic ruin. With Leroy in such a compromising and vulnerable position on the scale, Loretta could have just gone with any standard fat joke, but that extra bit of effort is one of the reasons why she continues to lead the points tally by double digits. A well earned point, Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 55
Loretta - 67
Push - 65