October 31, 2009

The Lockhorns decided to celebrate Halloween by attending what they consider to be the most frightening and terrifying of events: a wedding. As usual the Lockhorns contribute to (i.e. ruin) the festivities by dispensing some experienced "marriage advice" to the newly weds which also double as indirect insults about the other Lockhorn. Today, it's Leroy who beats Loretta to the punch by breaking out one of his penal law and marriage analogies to an obviously uninterested groom. I'm thinking it'll probably be easy for the groom to forget everything about guilt and innocence because only the Lockhorns approach marriage as some sort of twisted criminal punishment. Leroy gets the point.

Also, this current wedding appears disturbingly similar to another wedding from July. I'm not about the rule out the possibility that the beady-eyed bride is some sort of black widow murderer with a taste for tall dark haired gentlemen.

Official Count:

Leroy - 94
Loretta - 119
Push - 91

October 30, 2009

Leroy and Loretta's humiliating payday ritual continues unabated. I don't even know why Leroy even bothers with bringing home his actual paycheck. He would save himself a lot of biweekly heartache and grief if he just switched to direct deposit. Even better, he could get that direct deposit into a secret personal account. While there would be no guarantee that Loretta wouldn't eventually find the account, it would still be preferable to his current routine of getting ambushed at the door, being belittled about his income, and then helplessly watching your wife recklessly drive off into the night to the local mall to spend all your money. Loretta wins.

Official Count:

Leroy - 93
Loretta - 119
Push - 91

October 29, 2009

Um...yeah...okay...I think we just found a winner for the most disgustingly disturbing Lockhorn panel thus far. The absolute last thing I needed to see this morning and to have traumatically branded into my brain for the rest of my life is the sight of a sore and haggard Leroy run ragged from a marathon session of masturbating to his recent discovery of Internet pornography, waxing nostalgic about the good old days when porn was only available in magazines. One can hardly hold down the bile in the back of the throat when considering the excessive amount of ogling and self pleasuring that went on to lead to such a myriad of physical pains. Just keep telling yourself that this scene is in reference to office work, if that'll help relieve some of the inevitable nightmares to come. I need to take a shower. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 93
Loretta - 118
Push - 91

October 28, 2009

Leroy has apparently crossed the line from being comically dim-witted to suffering from severe dementia; a fact that Loretta eagerly points out. It seems that the decades of excessive drinking at parties and malnutrition/poisoning attempts the dinner table have started to take their toll on Leroy's faculties. As Leroy's progressive disorder worsens and he begins to gradually lose his cognitive functions day by day; could this possibly be the opening of a whole new avenue of insults for Loretta to cruelly exploit? We'll have to just eagerly wait and see. For now though, it's Loretta with the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 93
Loretta - 118
Push - 90

October 27, 2009

Leroy shows off some of his new found confidence in his personal computer usage by correctly interpreting what Loretta's loud, shrill nagging would look be all caps if portrayed on a word processor. Loretta is obviously not amused (and perhaps even frustrated) by Leroy's use of such confusing and foreign technical jargon. I eagerly await and fear the day when Leroy gets so comfortable with the technology (perhaps when he learns to turn on the screen) that he'll start insulting Loretta in L337 speak ("Kekeke Loretta is teh uber n00b"). Leroy pwns.

Official Count:

Leroy - 93
Loretta - 117
Push - 90

October 26, 2009

Once again the Lockhorns find themselves victims of airline mismanagement (or possibly vengeance). However, this time around the loss of Leroy's luggage creates an unexpected windfall for Loretta. For Loretta this simple routing error has just banished an entire luggage case worth of Leroy's treasured, yet unbearably tacky threads to some far away locale. The always gracious Loretta emphatically thanks the airline employee for their mismanagement, which at the same time is obviously mocking Leroy's lack of fashion sense. Until the missing luggage can be location, it looks like Leroy will have to manage in his schlubby Magnum P.I. ensemble. Loretta continues her roll with another win.

Official Count:

Leroy - 92
Loretta - 117
Push - 90

October 25, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Has text messaging become so mainstream and commonplace that even the Lockhorns are finally utilizing it now? Didn't they just recently discover microwave ovens and the polio vaccine? Technically, Loretta shouldn't get the credit here for mocking Leroy's life long struggle with illiteracy, but I'm going to assume she immediately texted him back to tell him she ridiculed him in front of a friend. Loretta gets the first point.
• Loretta continues her blistering start to today's showdown by dealing Leroy a serious buzzkill after what was a rare memorably pleasant day on the links. This scene captures a fragile moment in time just before Loretta's demand for yard work registers with Leroy and his once beaming smile collapses like the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. Also, did Leroy steal an 8 year old's set of golf clubs? Is this what he considers having a "good golf game"? Loretta takes a commanding 2-0 lead.
• Leroy finally makes it onto the board by pulling off one of the rarest of mocking feats: the wordless insult. I'm almost tempted to give him an extra point for the sheer difficulty of the maneuver. I am, however, a little puzzled and disturbed as to how and when Leroy obtained a wall sized poster of Loretta's anachronistic Victorian era mother. Whatever he did or paid to get the picture, it was definitely well worth it. Leroy carves out a point.
• The Lockhorns seem to both understand that purchasing a comfortable bed for the guest room would be a big waste of money since it's highly unlikely that anyone would opt for an overnight visit to the Lockhorns. For all those poor guests and unwitting visitors that are unfortunate enough to have to spend a night at Casa Lockhorns, we now know that their sleeping arrangements will be just as uncomfortable and miserable as their interactions with their hosts. It's a push.
• While Leroy's frugal choice for dinner is mostly driven by his obvious insensitive cheapness, it's sadly also partially driven by the same issues with illiteracy that Loretta mocked earlier today. Leroy can easily make his food order by pointing to the crude drawings of the hot dog or the hamburger rather than suffer through the humiliating ordeal of attempting to read a restaurant menu. In either situation, Loretta will always be ready with a cruel rebuke. Loretta gets the point and takes the day 3 to 1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 92
Loretta - 116
Push - 90