Tuesday, December 31, 2013

December 31, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 119
Loretta - 153
Push - 92

***

The 2013 edition of "Lockhorns vs. Lockhorn" concludes much as it has done all year with a victory by Loretta. Congratulations once again to Loretta Lockhorn for taking the title. In four full years of "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" she has managed to win in convincing fashion every year. Loretta responded to Leroy coming off his best effort last year by putting up her most dominant season yet, scoring over 150 points and topping Leroy by a record 44 points overall; utilizing her vicious wit, impeccable timing, and unwavering meanness. Dynasty thy name is Loretta.

Now this would usually be the point where I would encourage Leroy to look forward to next year, to learn from his losses so he can improve his strengths and sure up his weaknesses. However, it is is with a slightly heavy heart that I announce that this will be the final "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn", at least for the time being. After five years, almost 1,600 comics, and a lifetime of insults I feel I have taken the blog as far as it could go. Now this isn't to say that this is the complete end, this site has been on hiatus before and if I feel that if there can be a new way to draw more vile, spiteful, blood from this hateful stone I will definitely return. For 2014 though at least I going to take a break from the bitterness. As a near daily ritual for half a decade it has been a tumultuous and hostile, but ultimately enjoyable ride (though there were some Sundays where those Showdowns took a bit more motivation to get through) and I hope all you readers out there (all five of you) had fun too.

Monday, December 30, 2013

December 30, 2013


*Author's Note: I think Loretta's dumbfounded stare says it all.

Official Count:
Leroy - 119
Loretta - 152
Push - 92

Sunday, December 29, 2013

December 29, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)a

Clockwise from the bottom left:
  • It's a solid burn by Leroy, but a part of me feels for poor Loretta. Assuming that the sweater in question was a gift from Loretta, it's a pretty cold blooded move by Helen to use it on her dog. She doesn't even seem to feel the least bit guilty about her actions as she brazenly walks the dog in front of the Lockhorns' residence with a satisfied smile on her face. The whole thing looks pretty deliberate. Leroy gets the point with an assist from Helen. Leroy leads 1-0.
  • I always consider going with the "maybe" option for any invitation to be equivalent of dropping a "meh". Sure we try to be courteous and dress it up as the innocuous but ambiguous "maybe" but in my experiences "maybe" runs closer to the "don't care" spectrum than the "don't know". With that said Loretta is still entitled to a score for pointing out Leroy's lack of tact. He may be right but Loretta gets the point and ties things up at 1-1.
  • Suddenly when the suggestion of working on his marriage comes up, the usually lazy Leroy becomes diligent about his office work (is he trying to pass off doing a newspaper crossword puzzle as working?). I would also say that going to all those fruitless visits to the marriage counselor qualifies as working on the marriage. While not much can be said about the quality of the work, there is still technically effort being expended. Leroy scores another point and takes a 2-1 lead.
  • Leroy is really busting out the serious moves here. Is that even Leroy up there? I could swear that's Robin Thicke. Now that I think about it, Leroy is probably a huge fan of the "Blurred Lines" music video, it's got all his favorite things: beautiful models, guys dancing silly in suits, all up against a blank background. Even though it's Loretta that's commenting here, I feel compelled to give Leroy the point. After all, he's the one grooving with a bimbo and Loretta is the one wallowing in embarrassment. Leroy gets the point and clinches the day with a 3-1 lead.
  • What I assume Loretta means is that the rest of the year outside of the NFL season is a pregame show for Leroy. Obviously the part of the season where the games are being played can't be a pregame show. It's not the clearest of zingers from Loretta. It also might have been more topical if she said it during the off-season. Still, Loretta gets the point; although Leroy may feel like the winner in the panel since she's leaving him alone to watch his football game in peace. Leroy takes the final "Sunday Showdown" of 2013 with a 3-2 victory.
Official Count:
Leroy - 119
Loretta - 151
Push - 92

Sunday Showdown Count:
Leroy - 14
Loretta - 21
Push - 17

Saturday, December 28, 2013

December 28, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 119
Loretta - 151
Push - 92

Friday, December 27, 2013

December 27, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 118
Loretta - 151
Push - 92

Thursday, December 26, 2013

December 26, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 118
Loretta - 151
Push - 91

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

December 25, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 118
Loretta - 150
Push - 91