Leroy diabolically turns the tables on Loretta's plans to spend another day dragging him around the mall. She was all dressed and ready to go store to store, humiliating Leroy by making him carrying her purse and shopping bags as she spent all his hard earned money and then some. However, thanks to the power of the Internet and 21st century e-commerce, Leroy can disappoint Loretta in the comfort of his own home and preemptively spend whatever money Loretta was intending to use for herself. Well played Leroy, you've definitely earned yourself a point.
It appears that ABC's hit serial drama "Lost" is a big hit in the Lockhorn house. This simple act of watching a contemporary show like "Lost" on TV is probably the most modern and up to date activity that the Lockhorns have engaged in. Leroy is apparently one of the considerable number of TV watchers out there who don't care for the show's trademark dense, complex, often convoluted, story arch; a fact that Loretta uses as her indictment of his ignorance. To Leroy's defense, "Gilligan's Island" had a lot of complicated underlying themes about contemporary social politics and human nature....or not. Loretta finds herself with a point.
Doing his best Larry David impersonation, Leroy finds himself appalled and exasperated at Loretta's double standard for communicating in their marriage. Is Leroy suffering from early onset dementia or a massive head injury or something? Has he forgotten who he has been married to for the past century or so? When has Loretta ever willingly allowed him to respond in a conversation? I smell another grievance for Leroy to explain in vain at the marriage counselor's office. Loretta wins the point.
Ever the tireless patron of the arts, Loretta and her corpulent friend pick up their tickets for the recent opening night production of "Tosca" at the Metropolitan Opera. Loretta tells a decent anecdote about how Leroy hates being dragged to the opera, but most of my focus is on her new friend. Somehow Loretta has managed to find someone that is more unappealing than herself in every possible physical aspect. She has got to be the most unattractive woman (assuming she's even a woman) I have ever seen in a Lockhorns panel (and that's saying a lot). It's a push.
Leroy once again shows us that his singular burning hatred of the institution of marriage guides his entire political ideology. For Leroy, fair and balanced journalism involves an equal amount of information about divorces and weddings. I'm sure the editor of the local paper will get yet another strongly worded letter from Leroy condemning him for his alleged bias towards the pro-marriage agenda. Leroy gets the point.
Loretta retains her comfortable lead in the yearlong tally by always remaining aware and focused when it comes to insult opportunities. To maintain her quick wit and sharp tongue she engages in activities like intense meditation in an effort to be constantly prepared to outwit Leroy at every turn. Smartly, Leroy has decided to use these meditation sessions to hit Loretta at a vulnerable state and to possibly disrupt her mental preparations. He'll have to come up with few more clever moves like this if he wants to get back in the race. For now though, Leroy goes up 2 to 0.
Leroy performs double duty by both criticizing Loretta's terrible cooking and saving the dinner guests from certain food poisoning. He could have waited until everyone was seated and eating to break out his latest caustic culinary comment, but he saved everyone a long sleepless night of agonizing abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting by getting the word out first. Sometimes a well placed insult can provide more than just some laughs, it can potentially save lives. Leroy rolls to 3-0.
The obvious reading of Loretta's joke is that while Leroy may be dancing and flirting it up with the monstrous bimbo now, he'll no doubt be pathetically passed out on the floor in a puddle of his own sick. However, for some of the more dirty minded readers out there, someone being "called on the carpet" may have a slightly more lurid connotation. All I'm saying is the height differential actually creates an ideal match up. I'm just going to leave it at that since any more thought of it would require me suffocate myself in the hopes of causing enough brain damage to forget my disturbing thoughts. Loretta salvages a point, but Leroy rolls with a 3-1 win.
What a terrible situation it is to be anyone seated next to the Lockhorns at the movies. The poor bald man to Leroy's right just wants to enjoy his Lon Chaney Jr. retrospective in peace, but he is constantly interrupted throughout by the Lockhorns' back and forth sniping and moments like these where one of them turns to him as the de facto audience for their latest angry punchline. With that being said, Leroy really delivers a quality zinger here at Loretta and her mother's expense. The context of the horror movie really gives it an extra bit of meanness. Leroy gets the point.
With the recent resignation of President Obama's beleaguered Green Czar, Van Jones, Loretta's sarcastic comment could technically become a reality. However, if Leroy were to be considered for a Presidential consultant position, his controversial views on marriage (both gay and straight) would torpedo his candidacy (along with his lack of experience, general indifference to the environment, gross incompetence, distractingly hideous features, etc.). I think she could have also thrown in an extra jab at the government by making it about how both the government and Leroy are lazy andineffective, but I really can't argue with her quality finished product. Loretta scores the point.
For Leroy's demanding alcohol needs, he turns to a well established local retailer like Post Wine & Spirits off of Jericho Turnpike in Syosset. As terrible as the Lockhorns are, at least they do their best to support local businesses. At the liquor store, Leroy manages to both disgust Loretta with his blatant alcoholism and insult her with a reference to her never ending weight struggles. While alcohol is fat-free, most alcoholic beverages are fairly high in actual calories; so there's also the possibility that on top of everything Leroy is trying to deceive Loretta into thinking alcoholic beverages are diet friendly. A toast to Leroy, who gets today's point.
Loretta thought she would be winning the day by insisting on accompanying Leroy on his fishing trip; thus completely ruining one of this few precious escapes from her ceaseless abuse. Unfortunately for her, Leroy has managed to completely ignore her by focusing himself into a blank, catatonic state. Without Leroy's usual unhappy acknowledgment, Loretta's nagging is robbed of its power and she finds herself stuck in an unwanted fishing trip trying unsuccessfully to catch fish on top of an oil slick. It's an excellent bit of brinkmanship by Leroy and he gets the point.
Wait a minute! There has been a fatal traffic accident and Loretta was not involved in it? What's going on here? Try as I might I can't really find a joke here, just a gruesome story about a tragic accident as told by a cold, indifferent man to an equally apathetic woman. Also Leroy's categorization of the incident as a "murder" may be incorrect, murder would indicate an intent; so unless one of those elderly individuals was intending to kill the other this would most likely be categorized as vehicular manslaughter arising from the negligent operation of a vehicle. Another inconsistency: what is "an old lady who only drives to church on Sundays" doing driving on a Tuesday? Is Leroy covering up for something? For now lets call it a push.
I'm pretty sure Loretta is just flipping around buzzwords about social networking she heard on the TV or the radio and turning them into jokes about Leroy. Not only did it take him two long frustrating years to assemble his home computer (a pre-made iMac mind you); it appears that he is still struggling to figure out how to turn on the machine, let alone engage in Internet activities. Even if we were to assume Leroy has somehow become technology literate enough to navigate the net, what exactly is an "anti-social network"? Did he join a support group for people with anti-social disorders? Despite the confusing pun, we all the general message, Leroy is an anti-social jerk; and for that Loretta gets the point.
Leroy is absolutely correct. What could possibly compel Loretta to put up a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker, thus opening herself up to more liability for her poor driving; not to mention give more fodder for Leroy's insults. Is she just as hopelessly deluded about her driving abilities as to her singing abilities? Is the bumper sticker due to some mandatory court order? Whatever the case may be, it looks like the Lockhorns' home line will be absolutely swamped for the immediate future. Leroy kicks things off with a point.
Poor Leroy, he obviously came to the antiques side show with high hopes about the inherent value of his home sculpture, only to be mercilessly mocked and humiliated. It looks like he'll have to find some other scheme to supplement his meager income as he struggles to tread water in the sea of debt Loretta has created. Also, I'm a little suspicious about that shady looking guy in the back with the white package and the crooked smile. Doesn't it looks like he's stealing the package? Loretta wins the point.
Many times Loretta may resort to some degree of hyperbole to really drive home a good insult on Leroy; however, in this panel, there is no need for any additional exaggeration to belittle him. In a frightening display of feebleness and frailty, Leroy seems to be straining to exercise with free weights that are so insubstantial that I suspect they are black painted baton sticks. Leroy really needs to take stock and evaluate his terrible physical condition if this is what constitutes strenuous physical exercise. Loretta goes up 2 to 1.
Loretta makes light of Leroy's crippling depression by getting him the "gag gift" of a day planner with blank empty pages to reflect the blank emptiness of his life. I wonder if she went to a Spencer's Gifts or if she had it custom made? Of course there is no gift buying hurdle too great for Loretta to overcome when it comes to making fun of Leroy. Meanwhile, Leroy continues his second straight day on the couch, curled up in a fetal position, trying to vain to muster enough will power to get up an function. Loretta takes control of the day, 3 to 1.
The disdainful expression on Loretta's face in response to Leroy's art critique would seem to indicate that the painting was probably Loretta's choice in the first place. Frankly the Lockhorn homestead could use a few pieces of vibrant abstract art to break up the monotony. Half the time the Lockhorns seem to just live in a monochromatic purgatory devoid of furniture, doors, windows, or even a floor. Leroy salvages the final panel, but in the end Loretta wins the day 3 to 2 and secures her 100 victory of the year!
Loretta is displaying some excellent form on the greens today. Her well placed joke not only insults Leroy's terrible golfing abilities, but also condemns him for being cheap. It's just a well done insult through and through. Leroy on the links has always been a flush fountain of potential mockery. In addition to his poor golfing skills, his cheapness, Loretta also had the option of making light of his goofy golf attire. Of course along with the bounty of insult opportunities a golf outing provides, Loretta still has to be careful of the main drawback: the fact that Leroy has an an easily accessible bag of metal clubs to wield. Despite the risk, Loretta fiercely forges ahead and is now one point away from hitting the century mark on the year.
There's nothing like coming home after a strenuous day's work at the office just to have your wife mercilessly belittle the size of your hard earned paycheck. I think these verbal low blows to the pocketbook get to Leroy the most out of all of Loretta's wide range of affronts. It's worse than the shopping sprees, the car accidents, the public comments about his stupidity, the attempted poisonings. With so little in his life to be prideful of, Leroy's meager salary is one of his few sources of personal accomplishment. So it's understandable how upset he gets when Loretta pisses all over it and then immediately goes out to spend it all and then some. It's cold and brutal and it's exactly why Loretta deserves the point.
The Lockhorns, once again, find themselves victims of unusually cruel wait service. Do the Lockhorns have some sort of widespread reputation as terrible tippers? Perhaps their mere presence is so inherently negative and mean spirited that it effects everyone around them? Whatever it is, the look of sheer joy on the face of the waiter as he mentions how he's overcharging Leroy seems downright sadistic. Also I'm not exactly sure what a "businessman's lunch" entails, it sounds like old term that never made it past the 50's. Is Leroy trying to write off lunch with Loretta as a business expense? Perhaps it's stunts like these to cause Leroy to be such a frequent visitor to the IRS office. As for the scene, it's a push.
It's not all that surprising that the only time Loretta would ever engage in actual domestic housework would be if it annoyed and irritated Leroy. She has already shown in the past that the only reason she cooks meals is to give Leroy food poisoning. Given Leroy's agonizing reaction, I wouldn't put it past Loretta that she bought (and possibly modified for greater effect) the most shrill, mercilessly irritating model of vacuum available. Of course there's always the chance that Leroy is cringing in pain over the unbearable sound of Loretta's nagging; the shrillest, most irritating sound of them all. Loretta scores the point.
The Lockhorns' agonizing struggles in understanding that overwhelmingly foreign concept known to them as "The Internet" continues unabated. Loretta's attempts to translate her usual out of control physical shopping habits to the brave new world of cyberspace has initially turned out to be a failure. Of course Loretta won't let this early setback derail her life long mission of finding better, faster ways of burying the household in debt. It'll take a lot of time, effort, and Leroy's earnings, but Loretta is determined to take her reckless purchasing into the new millennium. Leroy is well aware of Loretta's wild ambitions, as his look of utter horror and disdain will attest to. I'm still going to have to give points to Leroy on this one, he comes out slightly better, at least in this scene.
Today's insult by Loretta takes on a slightly heavier, more contemplative tone than usual. Isn't her indictment of Leroy, sadly applicable to so many of us living our lives of quiet desperation, turning to the relentless, numbing cacophony of TV, the Internet, and other contemporary diversions to distract us from the harsh reality of our empty existences? Well, as hollow and existentially bankrupt as our modern lives maybe, it really can't ever be as bad as Leroy's pathetic existence. I'm surprised he has even mustered enough personal will to dress himself this morning. Loretta gets the point.
Considering the grotesque, disproportionately large abominations the Lockhorns call their feet, you would assume that they would invest in their own pair of custom made bowling shoes. Also, why are the Lockhorns and their apathetic looking bowling partner dressed exactly the same as the terminally depressed employee working behind the counter? Do they moonlight there as part time employees on the weekends? Is there some sort of bizarre dress code at this particularly bowling alley? Are they part of some sort of bowling suicide cult? The only answer I know for sure is Leroy gets the point for making light of Loretta's stereotypical feminine indecisiveness.
Those poor Lockhorns. Every time they want to go out to a restaurant and enjoy an actual meal not ruined by Loretta, they're constantly confronted with wait service that ranges from terrible to absurdly nonsensical. Today's encounter clearly falls on the absurd part of the spectrum. All the Lockhorns can do is stare in confused disbelief at their insane waiter and wonder when or if they'll ever taste actual food again. It's a push.
Apparently there appears to be some sort of rule in the Lockhorn house that one can only watch reality programming on TV and Leroy is trying to fit the ballgame in under the definition. Of course Loretta would immediately protest any activity that would give Leroy a modicum of happiness so she immediately curtails his attempt to unwind after a busy day by catching the ballgame. For her swift fun policing actions, Loretta gets the point.
The Lockhorns hit new levels of datedness as they resort to that age old domestic comedy routine: conflicts over leaving the toilet seat up. It's a joke that is, astonishingly, older and more tired than even the Lockhorns themselves (I'm pretty sure there are primitive prehistoric cave painting that essentially depict this line). It's such a generic and unoriginal line that it could probably be cut and pasted on any Lockhorns panel where Leroy is saying something to Loretta and Loretta looks unhappy. But hey, this is why I turn to the Lockhorns everyday: classic, timeless, domestic humor. Loretta gets the point for turning the tables (or in this case chairs) on Leroy. She goes up 2 to 1.
Loretta puts Leroy away with a classic cocktail party smackdown. Once those ellipses turn up, you know it's game over for Leroy. Leroy's an idiot. Game. Set. Match. Judging by all the black formal wear and the muted colors, I'm starting to think this may more likely be a funeral rather than a drunken Long Island cocktail party. That would explain the especially dour expressions on all the other attendees (of course that could also just be from being in the same room with the Lockhorns). Loretta gets the point and takes the day with a strong 3 to 1 victory.
Loretta's anecdote about Leroy being a terrible husband from the start seems totally believable, but previous evidence may indicate otherwise. Just last Sunday Loretta made a critical comment about how Leroy got her an iron/ironing board for their first anniversary, so it would seem that Leroy did remember it. One of these statements, either the Sunday one or today's, appears to be a fabrication. Loretta is trying to have it both ways: Leroy is so unromantic that he bought her an iron and Leroy is so inconsiderate that he forgot their first anniversary. For the future she should to stick to one story to maintain some continuity. Of course, outright lies are no barrier to scoring a point. Loretta wins.
I am more than a little perplexed by Leroy's statement. Since when did Loretta ever cook anything Leroy liked to eat? Shouldn't the joke be that his whole marriage with Loretta is a diet where he isn't allowed to eat anything he likes (or is able to digest)? Also, why is Loretta even going through the trouble of cooking Leroy a special healthy diet? None of this seems to make much sense. I'm just going to assume that the diet Leroy is referring to is every single meal that he was ever served and will be served in the future by Loretta. You get the point Leroy, but let's be a little bit more specific with the "Loretta can't cook" insults in the future.
To paraphrase from the opening passages of Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas": "There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than Leroy in the depths of a cough medicine binge". While not as harrowing as the beach scenes of him in his black Speedo, the shot of Leroy in a chemically induced delirium is still a frightening sight. It's almost a moot point to mention that Loretta has more than likily tampered with Leroy's medication for her own amusement. Since Leroy's health insurance plan covers just the house call and not actual medical treatment, all the doctor can do is look on in bored ambivalence. Loretta gets the point.
Leroy eschews any subtly or tact as he furiously confronts Loretta with her countless shopping bills. It appears that there is only so much out of control spending Leroy can take before he finally loses his temper. Leroy's complaint can actually be read two ways. The obvious reading is use of the double meanings of the word "bills" as both a legislative document and an itemized list of fees and debts. The second reading may be a sly dig at the fiscal irresponsibly of Congress for incurring their own Loretta-like debts. Unfortunately for Leroy, Loretta's glazed expression indicates that she has begun already ignoring all of Leroy's yelling and is currently planning her next trip to the mall. For what it's worth (definitely not enough to pay a single bill) he still gets the point.
Leroy's questionable choice in formal wear gets an immediate rebuke (with good cause) by the always fashion conscious Loretta. You'd think that after decades upon decades of criticism, Leroy would develop some sort of rudimentary sense of what outfits are appropriate and what aren't. By now, one would assume that he'd figure out that anything with zigzag pinstripes or bright pastels would warrant an automatic red flag from Loretta. I do somewhat sympathize with the man though; with so many depressing, conservative black tie cocktail parties it's understandable that he wants some change to break up the stale monotony. Loretta gets the insult and the point.
Leroy comes up with a clever double entendre to describe the garbage disposal's constant need for repairs. And much like the family automobile, Loretta is primarily to blame for the reoccurring damage. Leroy's digestive track isn't the only thing that has a difficult time processing Loretta's cooking. Where do you think most of those leftover rock hard dinner rolls, leather-like steaks, and gobs of miscellaneous goo go after a meal? There's only so much a modern kitchen appliance can take. As for the poor, grotesquely bowlegged, plumber who is forced to work on Labor Day, he is undoubtedly unimpressed by any of this; as are we. It's a push.
Leroy dishes out some hard economic truths at the giant old fashioned clerk desk; the usual forum for such activities. He does a fine job of shooting down Loretta's completely unrealistic dream of owning a second home. I doubt, however, that Loretta really understood the message as her past ruinous spending tendencies have demonstrated time and time again that she has absolutely no concept of financial responsibility. For now, Leroy ekes out a point for the valiant effort.
Leroy's core belief of marriage being torture is so strong and ingrained that he cannot logically comprehend how they could be two separate concepts. His horribly perplexed looks says it all. It's like someone telling him up is down and left is right and that 2+2=5. This scene also gives us a fascinating glimpse at Leroy's political/ideological leanings. We can assume he's anti-gay marriage (along with heterosexual marriage) and against the CIA's torturing of terrorist suspects (which he'll understand to be the CIA forcing the suspects to get married). A most interesting push.
As head commissioner of the fashion police, Loretta immediately arrests Leroy for a gross violation of the local dress codes; thus sabotaging his efforts to enjoy a relaxing day in the hammock. While Leroy is notorious for his disastrous fashion choices, I think he's sporting a rather sharp and fashionably retro ensemble today. I can totally see some scraggly Williamsburg hipster rocking this look on a on random Sunday morning. While he may have a case for an appeal, for now Loretta gets the point.
Tonight's inedible dinner special at Chez Lockhorns appears to be Loretta's famous overcooked steak. Sure you could just write it off as another example of Loretta's incomprehensibly awful cooking abilities, but I suspect that there is a malevolent method to her madness here. By making Leroy go through the backbreaking ordeal of trying to cut and eat a steak with the consistency of rawhide, Loretta is actually attempting to cause Leroy to have a stress-induced fatal heart attack. It's a far more subtle and ingenious plan than merely poisoning his food. By the looks of Leroy he should be due for a massive coronary any time now. Still, if he does keel over he will have had the final insult about her cooking; Leroy gets the point.
Can you really blame Leroy for his gift? Almost any newly married pre-second-wave feminist movement husband would have probably given their wives a similar gift. Of course knowing Loretta, she has probably yet to iron a single shirt for Leroy. One could read this as Loretta being a feminist pioneer, boldly rejecting traditional domestic gender roles by breaking free of the historic shackles of the ironing board or Loretta just being a terrible wife and partner who's too busy shopping all day to contribute anything of value to the marriage. This is most definitely a push, which means Leroy takes the day 2-1.
It's no surprise that the always old school Leroy would be included among those modern Americans bemoaning the impending death of print media. In fact, it looks like the newspaper industry is in such bad shape that many of the major papers are cutting back on such frills as printed words and pictures to reduce costs. While there will be an uncomfortable period of initial adjustment, I'm sure Leroy will develop some RSS feed or find some social news website or news aggregator or perhaps even invest in a Kindle to read while ignoring Loretta in the mornings. Push.
While the sight of an enraged Loretta violently screaming at the top of her lungs would rattle and shatter most men to their core, Leroy merely strikes a casual pose and nonchalantly throws out his pointed insulting response. If this isn't the very definition of poise under pressure, I don't know what is. Of course one isn't born with that sort of unyielding resolve, it takes many decades of near constant verbal abuse and shrill nagging to develop that temperament. Leroy earns the point.
Having failed to secure any sort of loan from yesterday's trip to the "loan office", Leroy finds himself broke and lamenting the fact that his Internet banking account has eliminated his old practice of buying more time by claiming to his debt collectors that the check was in the mail. I imagine that as Leroy continues to bemoan his mounting financial woes, Loretta is going over her next unsustainable shopping spree in her mind. Push.
It seems that the Lockhorns' personal financial situation is so poor that even delusional individuals who claim to be moneylenders, who talk to themselves on disconnected phone headsets in offices consisting of empty teal rooms with the word "LOANS" spray painted on the walls are uncontrollably laughing in disbelief at their loan requests. You know there is definitely something wrong with your finances when the mentally ill consider you to be a laughably bad credit risk. It's a push.
In the ridiculous, dated world of the Lockhorns, was there any doubt that the mouse would obviously live in a classic arched hole in the wall? Even the vermin that inhabit the Lockhorns' home are trapped in hopelessly outdated stereotypes. Considering how much rat poison Loretta usually puts in her cooking for Leroy, it does seem moot to try and humanely capture the mouse alive. However, I assume the mouse has more sense than Leroy and like all members of the animal kingdom would just avoid Loretta's food based on the unusual color and repugnant odor alone. Leroy still gets the point.