May 7, 2009

Loretta is really going for the jugular by exploiting Leroy's deep seated insecurities about his ever fading looks. Of all the facets of Leroy's life that Loretta attacks on a daily basis, I always feel like the cracks about the looks are the ones that really cut straight to the bone. Here's Leroy looking completely defeated and vulnerable, seeking any sort of positive reassurance or encouragement, and there's Loretta at the door turning the knife ever so enthusiastically. Sure it's an emphatic slam dunk of a point for Loretta but I still can't help feeling a little sad for poor fat, balding, Leroy.

Official Count:
Leroy - 33
Loretta - 46
Push - 48

May 6, 2009

Another credit card, another mountain of debt for the Lockhorns to bury themselves under. All Leroy can do while Loretta mortgages their future once again by opening a new card with some fly by night credit card company/phishing scam (what reputable credit card provider would actually offer Loretta a card based on her dismal score) is to make snide remarks to his friend Ernst Stavro Blofeld. It's a borderline case, but I'm still going to award the point to Leroy. Perhaps this will be the first step towards getting out of his recent slump.

Official Count:
Leroy - 33
Loretta - 45
Push - 48

May 5, 2009

To my great relief, and to the great relief of the greater Lockhorns Nation, the failed quote box experiment of 2009 was just a one time aberration. However, we can all learn a valuable lesson from this experience: you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. Here's to living outside the box.

With that said, it appears that the Lockhorns are back "trying to work things out" at marriage counselor Pullman's office. While I once pitied Pullman for having to constantly deal with this toxic wreck of a marriage, the fact that he gets a steady $175 an hour rate just to sit back and give random futile attempts at improving the Lockhorns situation is a pretty good deal. I've noticed that every licensed professional the Lockhorns run across, whether it be doctor, lawyer, etc., is totally candid and unrepentant about charging the Lockhorns an arm and a leg for their services. I guess if you're as intolerable as the Lockhorns you have to pay an extra premium for any sort of human interaction. Push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 32
Loretta - 45
Push - 48

May 4, 2009

Really any observation about that's going on in the scene is inconsequential compared to the disturbing and totally unexplainable appearance of the quote in the box. Was there just no room on the bottom of the picture anymore? Is this going to be format of all future Lockhorns panels? What's next, thought bubbles? This is all so new and completely baffling. Also, I think Leroy is definitely in need glasses based on the sight of him strenuously squinting directly in front of his television, trying to read the title of the show which is in huge solid black letters. Let's just rule this a push, move on with the rest of our day, and hope for the best tomorrow.

Official Count:
Leroy - 32
Loretta - 45
Push - 47

May 3, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• For such an unhappy couple imprisoned by the modern trappings of suburbia, the Lockhorns sure have a wide variety of hobbies. Today we find the Lockhorns out on the local pond engaging in same duck hunting. While Loretta claims its the inadequacy of Leroy's duck calls that's preventing any duck sightings, I think the loud stripes and bright green bandanna of her ensemble may be tipping the fowl. While Loretta obviously wins this round, judging by the look in his eye and his loaded shotgun, he may end up the true victor when he returns back to shore with an empty boat.
• Apparently the latest Redbook was running a "Is Your Husband A Pennypinching, Fat Balding, Obnoxious, Moron?". This is another case of Leroy being such a disappointing husband/companion/general human being that he actually wins by virtue of annoying/disgusting Loretta into submission. It's a bold gambit. Keep and keeping on Leroy, you're doing fine.
• Wait, wait a minute. Lorreta is making fun of Leroy for his expensive purchases? Have I stumbled into some backwards bizarro world where white is black and people say hello when they leave? This would be like Leroy giving Loretta advice on how to be more personable with people at parties. Plus, considering the Lockhorns' monstrously large and misshapen feet forces them to get their shoes specially ordered from select big and tall stores, $150 for a sweet pair of designer Chuck Taylors isn't all that exorbitant. However, an insults an insult, Loretta takes the lead.
• I know this exaggerated scene of Leroy framing his no student loan notice is suppose to show how frugal Leroy is and how he values the fact that he paid off his student debts on par his college education, but frankly I'd probably do the same thing. If the day ever comes when I finally pay off the tens of thousands of dollars in debt accumulated over four years of undergrad and three years of law school, you better believe I'm framing that sucker, maybe even throw a "No More Loans" Party. It looks like a push.
  
• Does anybody have any idea how the phrase "untold wealth" comes up during a casual after dinner conversation? Loretta's got to be setting these situations up by steering the conversation to a select group of phrases that she's prepared and practiced hours before the guests arrive. This may be a partial explanation for her substandard cooking, she devotes far too much of her cooking time to thinking up the eventual after meal puns and one liners. Sure it makes her a bad cook, but it certainly gets her points. And with that Loretta takes the day with a domination 3 to 1 performance.
  

Official Count:
Leroy - 32
Loretta - 45
Push - 46

May 2, 2009

Once again the Lockhorns show that they refuse to shy away from those edgy modern topics many of their contemporaries are afraid to address. This time the Lockhorns' critical eyes turns their full glare on the rising expense of going to the movies. Perhaps next time they'll really sock it to long lines at the DMV, or the inherent difficulties of opening sealed plastic containers, or maybe what's wrong with teenagers today! Speaking of teenagers, the young ticket taking employee looks like a down right suicide risk. I guessing it has something to do with the low pay, the boring work, the perpetual aura of unhappiness that constantly surround the Lockhorns, and the fact that management makes him wear a purple bellhop suit from the 40s. Another day, another push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 32
Loretta - 44
Push - 46

May 1, 2009

Today we see Leroy at his absolute obnoxious best; instigating the very police officer that pulled him over for speeding and brazenly implying he will continue to speed again. We know Leroy's party behavior shows he has no fear of shame or being a social pariah among all the suburban households in Levittown, but now it seems that he also has no fear of authority or the ramifications of his speeding. Perhaps eventually he'll one day start ignoring serious laws like the ones against spousal murder. Also, I have to point out that the Lockhorns have almost no continuity when it comes to cars they drive. I must have seen a dozen generic late model sedans of varying color. The Lockhorns seem to change more cars than Joe Pesci in Casino when he's trying to avoid his FBI tail. It looks like Leroy's going with the all teal Chrystler LeBaron today. Push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 32
Loretta - 44
Push - 45