December 31, 2009

After a year of misery, loathing, anger, resentment, and spite; the Lockhorns find themselves kicked out of their local New Years Eve party and stuck once again with their unbearable selves; how utterly proper. While the details have always been left ambiguous, whatever Leroy's views are on politics, sports, or religion they must be quite extreme and controversial for him to alienate so many people and be such a pariah in the community. After multiple decades of getting banned from parties I don't know how many more homes are left on Long Island for the Lockhorns to be welcomed in. Perhaps a few more years of this and they'll have to seek greener pastures in Westchester or even New Jersey. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 111

Loretta - 145
Push - 109

***

With that final push, the foregone conclusion for the past two months finally becomes official: Loretta Lockhorn is the inaugural 2009 "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" Champion! Through 365 grueling, excruciating days demonstrating the darkest, ugliest corners of the human condition, Loretta emerges from the abyss as the undisputed champion. For Leroy, hopefully he can learn from his miscues and missed opportunities from this unsuccessful year and find a way to challenge Loretta rather than the Push for positioning. Also, for all the readers out there, thank you all for accompanying me through this harrowing journey through the twisted world of the Lockhorns. Things got a little backed up and rushed at times, but we made it through the entire year (just barely) and I look forward to archiving another 365 round prize fight in 2010 between everyone's favorite loathsome couple: The Lockhorns.