February 28, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta has met a worthy contemporary in terms of sarcasm and causticity. When approached by Loretta for tips on getting her husband to notice her, the bitter department store saleswoman, implying that no amount of beauty products, designer clothing, or fashionable accessories was going to make Loretta attractive to Leroy, breaks out an ESPN t-shirt which she obviously brought on her own to the store for such moments like this. In one swift maneuver, the saleswoman mocks both the sports-centric narrow minded nature of men and also digs a little on Loretta's homeliness. In the end it's a push, but still a fairly entertaining push.
• I think the basic humor of seeing a man awkwardly falling down transcends cultures and works on a universal level. With that being said, unfortunately it looks like another broken hip, another visit with Dr. Blog, and another few months in traction for poor Leroy. I guess silk sheets and having your vengeful wife push you out of bed randomly in the middle of the night when you least expect it don't go together. Crude and more than a little sadistic, but effective. Loretta goes up 1-0.
• Leroy really misses out on a prime opportunity to get a quick jab in about Loretta's stereotypically bad female driving. I'm a little confused with Loretta's story. So did the police officer give Loretta a ticket for texting while driving when you was actually putting on makeup while driving or did the officer give her a ticket for generally being a distracted driver? Or I guess the main point is that Loretta drives under the incorrect assumption that only texting while driving is illegal? Let's call it a push and move on. Loretta is still up 1-0.
• Loretta's ancient mother is once again in Leroy's sardonic crosshairs. It's interesting to note that just this Thursday Leroy implied that Loretta's mother was a vampire and now it seems that he's implying that she may be a werewolf (at the very least a giant bitch). There is no doubt that this progression of classic movie monster insults will lead to mummy references in the near future. Leroy ties it up at 1-1.
• The Lockhorns find themselves in a relatively hip shindig in the orange void of one of their trendier acquaintances. Leroy is breaking out the informal, tie-less look while Loretta sticks with her usual "Mrs. White from Clue" attire. While Loretta may quite well be whispering some devastating insult about Leroy to her friends, it's actually Leroy whom we get to hear the first and final rank out; condemning Loretta's gossipy ways. So after a slow start, a late surge by Leroy gets him the point and the day 2-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 16
Loretta - 22
Push - 21

February 27, 2010

Actually, Charles Perrault, the 17th century French author who wrote "Sleeping Beauty" among other classic fairy tales was married at 19; so Leroy's theory is actually incorrect. However, Leroy would have found himself clearly in the right had he stated "whoever wrote 'Sleeping Beauty' must not have had to share a marital bed with an unimaginably hideous spouse whose monstrously ugly appearance, enhanced by her frightening application of cream and curlers, are a nightly source of terrifying nightmares." Despite the slight inaccuracy, Leroy still scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 15
Loretta - 22
Push - 21

February 26, 2010

Once again, it takes a truly sick and twisted brand of masochist to be a close friend of the Lockhorns. Aside from the general displeasure of actually speaking to them, there are the frequent invitations to come over solely to act as painfully awkward audiences to their never ending domestic battles. Loretta's dear old purple clad friend finds herself once again caught in the crossfire of another Lockhorn exchange; this time being subjected to a confusing play on a catchphrase that never existed in the first place (seriously what the heck is "can't get through with them" supposed to mean?). Loretta's friend must be in wonderfully exquisite pain. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 14
Loretta - 22
Push - 21

February 25, 2010

Ah mocking the old mother-in-law, the quickest and easiest route for Leroy to take towards offending Loretta. Ostensibly, Leroy's zinger is mocking the cold, dour, straight up Gothic demeanor of Loretta's mother; but I think Leroy genuinely believes Loretta's mother is an undead vampire. As absurd as it initially sounds, all the pieces seem to fit; the ghoulish appearance, the all black outfits, the centenarian (possibly bi-centenarian) age, the soul sucking glare. I mean has anyone actually seen her next to a mirror or out during the daytime? Curious. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 14
Loretta - 21
Push - 21

February 24, 2010

Oh snap! Loretta should get two points for that exquisite burn! Leroy thought he could score some quick points by belittling Loretta for her relative lack of computer skills, but Loretta strikes right back with her trusty trump card (or in this case her ATM card). It's really one of the best comebacks to have in your pocket. When you respond to someone's smack talk with something along the lines of "okay, now I'm going to spend all your hard earned money and then some and there's not a single thing you can do to stop me", it's pretty hard for that antagonist to muster a clever follow up. All Leroy can do now is wallow in his defeat and hope to find small comfort in some Internet porn using his "computer skills".

Official Count:

Leroy - 13
Loretta - 21
Push - 21

February 23, 2010

With today's panel, the good Doctor Blog has already completed his usual trifecta of poor doctoring for the year: malpractice, unconscionably high pricing, and long wait times. Given the poor service and outrageous fees, I'm not really sure why Leroy would be so disappointed in his delay. Although, I guess if there's one thing worse than expensive, sub-par medical service, it's waiting for expensive, sub-par medical service. I'm also fascinated by the framing of the shot. It's definitely a bold aesthetic choice to have the center of the scene be the back of some stranger's head and have the Lockhorns' shifted off to the side; not sure what the purpose is though, yet. Also, I'm fairly sure the patron on the right and the nurse are twins. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 13
Loretta - 20
Push - 21

February 22, 2010

This is some seriously incongruous behavior on the part of Loretta. Despite the fact that she has demonstrated a complete absence of personal financial restraint with her marathon shopping sprees and outrageously high phone bills, she gets on Leroy's case for leaving the living room lamp on and wasting electricity! Are we to believe that Loretta has suddenly experienced some sort of environmental epiphany and will now approach an eco-friendly, green lifestyle change with the same fanatical zeal she approaches a shoe sale; using her perpetual nagging to reduce her household's carbon footprint? Or maybe just needed something petty to nag/mock Leroy about. Who knows? Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 13
Loretta - 20
Push - 20

February 21, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Leroy looks even more disgustingly disheveled than usual. If I didn't know better it would appear that Leroy get fired from work on Friday and has been mired in a catatonic state of depression for the entire weekend. Of course with the perpetually filthy Leroy you really can't make any firm conclusions based on his personal state of disarray. He could degenerate into a hopeless derelict at the drop of a hat; a tendency that Loretta is all too willing to exploit every time. In fact, this time she even brought a friend. Loretta goes up 1-0.
• Spiteful, backhanded apologizing is about as close as the Lockhorns get to actual apologizing. Here, Leroy firmly "apologizes" for some ambiguous wrong that Loretta has accused him of (probably something involving watching football or making fun of her mother). A laudable effort by Leroy to efficiently salvage a point from an otherwise negative situation. Leroy ties things up at 1-1.
• It makes me a little bit sad to see how much potential in this scene had and how none of it was utilized. Awkwardly standing high on a ladder with his back to it; could Leroy be in any more of a vulnerable state? There are so many ways Loretta could have exploited this from the subtle (making some sort of "screw in a light bulb" joke) to the homicidal (straight up pushing over the ladder). Instead, we're given some pointless musing about the downside of cordless phones. It's a sad push.
• Leroy's attempt to break the sound barrier on the Long Island Expressway, not surprisingly, leads to him getting pulled over by the local police. While attempting to go 768 mph plus in a 55 zone will probably lead to the maximum fine, maybe Leroy can get a sympathetic ear from the officer. A few brief moments of interaction between Loretta and the officer is probably all he needs to plead his justification. Leroy gets the point, 2-1.
• After a 9 month hiatus, the infamous text box returns to the Lockhorns. While I prefer the usual below the scene location of the words, I guess the use of the box is pretty defensible here considering the hefty dialog. Regrettably, the text doesn't do much except indicating that the Lockhorns' pharmacist is a unscrupulous drug dealer who illegally offers his customers a wide selection of medication without a prescription. It's a push. Leroy takes the day in a squeaker, 2-1.
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 13
Loretta - 19
Push - 20

February 20, 2010

Loretta's plans for delightful evening of refinement and cultural edification at the opera has once again been ruined by Leroy's aggressively hostile attitude towards all forms of entertain that aren't football games. Despite the best efforts of the performer, her solo is drowned out by Leroy's curmudgeonly complaints about receiving a speeding ticket while en route (it looks like those police tails are starting to pay off). Given the Lockhorns' posh private balcony seats, Loretta really must have gone all out in planning the evening and truly had her heart set on enjoying the show. It makes the victory for Leroy all the more impressive. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 12
Loretta - 19
Push - 20

February 19, 2010

Ever the consummate materialist, Loretta explains to Leroy how she is only capable of achieving personal happiness through the act of buying jewelry. Given her sunny demeanor, it would appear that she has just returned from purchasing some "happiness" at the local mall at Leroy's expense. Loretta's brief statement about her personal faith in expensive earthly possessions lies in beautifully stark contrast to Leroy, who is somberly going over the latest round of collection letters and overdue notices and wondering how much longer he has before he loses his home. Loretta earns the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 11
Loretta - 19
Push - 20

February 18, 2010

Leroy makes light of the fact that Loretta spends every waking moment of her life with an unceasing, burning anger towards him; which will no doubt just make Loretta even angrier. It's hard to tell who tell who gets a more deserved respite when Loretta goes to sleep. On one hand Loretta obviously gets a much needed period of rest from her exhausting daily routine of scowling, seething, and nagging; but Leroy also gets a welcome eight hour break from Loretta's said scowling, seething, and nagging. Nobody said having a successful rage based marriage was easy. Leroy gets the point.

Also, who knew Leroy was friends with WWE legend Sgt. Slaughter?

Official Count:

Leroy - 11
Loretta - 18
Push - 20

February 17, 2010

I'm not really sure why Leroy is so sad sacked at the prospect of going on a Hawaiian vacation. He is obviously going to be a little miffed at another needlessly expensive purchase by Loretta, but at least with a vacation he can actually get some personal enjoyment out of her reckless spending. I'm guessing it's the general unpleasantness of seeing Loretta in a grass skirt and tank top that's depressing Leroy. The sight of Loretta's hideous bare feet has certainly ruined my day. Not sure what the insult is, but based on the unhappiness factor, I'm giving the point to Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 10
Loretta - 18
Push - 20

February 16, 2010

It's terrible enough that Leroy is forced to ingest Loretta's deadly cooking on a daily basis, but it's a downright crime against humanity when he has to eat disgusting leftovers of Loretta's cooking from at least 2008. Over the last two years of the Obama administration, Loretta's initially terrible meal has decomposed into some sort of gross brownish mush. If Loretta's dinner was unfit for human consumption originally, at this point it's not even fit for any living thing. All Leroy can do at the sight of Loretta's culinary horror is to crack an insult, dig in, and hope he makes it through the night. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 10
Loretta - 17
Push - 20

February 15, 2010

With all the snowfall in the tri-state area over the last two weeks, it's definitely getting harder and harder for Leroy to casually avoid his snow shoveling responsibilities. Tired of the daily difficulties of maneuvering in and out of their unshoveled, snowbound, abode; Loretta is stepping up her nagging game to induce some sort of action on the part of Leroy. Unfortunately from a points perspective, Leroy's absence in the scene means there won't be any points earned by Loretta. It's a shame. I really would have liked to see Leroy's offended reaction of having his pleasure tainted by work. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 9
Loretta - 17
Push - 20

February 14, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta drops a devastating dose of hard, cold reality on a completely delusional Leroy by reminding of the laughable futility of his attempts at covering up his baldness. While probably not in such a cruel and callous manner, Leroy really did need to get this sobering wake up call. How self-deluded is he to think that he can give any sort of illusion of more hair by combing his two strands over his wide barren mesa of a head? As humiliated as Leroy is at the moment, Loretta may be saving him further humiliation in the long run. In addition, Loretta gets the point.
• In his endless struggle to avoid any housework or responsibilities, Leroy breaks out the fancy legalese. Leroy no doubt consulted his personal lawyer, Ted Sklar (who is quite the expert on using technically inapplicable legal concepts to get out of doing things), during his last will changing. Leroy may have gotten the best of Loretta here with his slick legal maneuvering, but it's obvious she'll have her terrible revenge soon enough when she serves dinner. Leroy still gets the point though, 1-1.
• It looks like even the Lockhorns have caught a bit of the Winter Olympic fever. Unfortunately for Loretta, her hopes of an exciting day on the slopes and the always wonderful prospect of Leroy getting into an accident and ending up in traction at the hospital are dashed when Leroy changes their plans at the last minute to go to the bowling alley. I'm pretty sure this was Leroy's plans from the start; to build up Loretta's expectations only to sadistically tear them down at the end. Well played, Leroy. Well played. Leroy goes up 2-1.
• Couldn't Leroy just turn into another lane and let the police car go by? This isn't Soviet Russia or anything but after 15 miles, you have to assume that the police car is intentionally tailing you. Perhaps the state highway patrol, after countless fatalities and untold amounts of public destruction, have finally decided to place a permanent tail on the Lockhorns so they can immediately arrest them after their latest violation. It looks likes it's working so far. Push.
• I don't know why but I found this scene to be particularly funny. Leroy's breaking out of the special McDonald's Flintstones cups can be taken numerous ways. They can be an indictment of Leroy's lack of class and sophistication. It can be another example of Leroy's outrageous cheapness. It can also show that Leroy has the developmental capacity of an 8 year old. Whatever the case may be, Loretta is definitely getting a quality burn out of it. To Leroy's defense, those 1993 McDonald's Flintstones cups are sort of a pricey collectors item and do look pretty sweet. However, Loretta gets the point and forces the 2-2 push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 9
Loretta - 17
Push - 19

February 13, 2010

The sight of Leroy picking up a Valentine's Day box of chocolate for Loretta from the chocolatier while on his way home from work is ostensibly a shocking scene. However one has to understand that for a cold-hearted, terminally loveless couple like the Lockhorns, any traditional Valentine's Day activity is done out of pure irony. Not just superficial "hipsters wearing trucker hats" irony but the deep complex overarching irony that Kierkegaard was referring to when he described irony as "infinite, absolute negativity", deconstructing and ultimately destroying the symbol itself. Also, he's likely trying to get Loretta to break her diet and feel helplessly guilty about it. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 9
Loretta - 17
Push - 18

February 12, 2010

The difficult financial debate today at the big old timey desk is the Lockhorns' attempt at reconciling their cripplingly massive debts with their masochistic addiction to airline travel. It seems that even the Lockhorns are not immune to the harsh economic downturn. It has forced them to consider the possibility of reining in their usually reckless debt accumulation a bit and thus earning less frequent flyer miles. It looks like there will be a few less scenes in the future of them complaining about airport security while gingerly walking away from anther humiliatingly intrusive full cavity security search. Their loss is the world's gain. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 9
Loretta - 17
Push - 17

February 11, 2010

Dinner time, thick smog billowing from the kitchen, a disheveled Loretta struggling to contain the flames; this should be an absolute slam dunk for Leroy. Unfortunately, he blows his opportunity at a total gimme point by sitting idly by while Loretta directs the scene. What should have been a condemnation of Loretta's inability to handle the basics of cooking with fire, has now turned into a defiant display of Loretta's malicious pyromania. Tried of Leroy's constant criticisms about her cooking, Loretta has taken to spitefully burning down parts of the kitchen when she prepares a meal. It's a daring move and one that earns Loretta the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 9
Loretta - 17
Push - 16

February 10, 2010

After being rendered helpless and victimized by the usual overpriced malpractice of Dr. Blog, all Leroy can muster is a surly remark about how he should be wearing a doctor's mask. To the good doctor's credit, he doesn't seem to be outright enjoying giving a large bill (figuratively and literally large) to Leroy. He would eagerly trade all those large frequent paydays for the prospect of never getting a disgruntled visit from Leroy Lockhorn ever again. Unfortunately, with Leroy's ill health and Loretta's constant attempts to poison him, that is merely a fanciful pipe dream. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 9
Loretta - 16
Push - 16

February 9, 2010

Loretta falls back on her most time-tested and effective way of hurting Leroy: shopping. For Leroy every elaborate box and colorful bag represents another tide of red ink and another irreversible step away from the fading memory of fiscal security. In addition to the standard distress caused by her shopping, the always scheming Loretta uses the nominal pretense of getting Leroy a tie as the original justification for her outrageous shopping spree. Loretta rings up a point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 9
Loretta - 16
Push - 15

February 8, 2010

Today we find a possibly drunk Leroy taking delight in condescendingly explaining his personal views on the importance of live televised sporting events over weather forecasts and newscasting. Put aside your initial reaction at the the incompatible comparisons, the baffling lack of logic, and all the confusing questions that unavoidably arise (what about live weather coverage? breaking news? the end of the day sports news?), the most important thing here is that Loretta is annoyed and discontent; the ultimate goal of any Lockhorn action. So Leroy in his profoundly confusing idiocy manages to somehow win the day. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 9
Loretta - 15
Push - 15

February 7, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Today we find the Lockhorns engaged in a particularly heated scene inside the unrelenting chamber of horrors that is the marriage counselor's office. Unfortunately for counselor Pullman, he made the fatal mistake of accidentally engaging in conversation with Leroy instead of his usual procedure of carefully feigning interest in Leroy's complaints. Because of one casual slip of the tongue, the poor counselor must now be forced to endure an extended diatribe against marriage by Leroy. At this point, Pullman can only hope for the end of the session or a sudden stroke to give him any relief. Leroy starts off 1-0.
• Ever the stereotypical football mad husband, Leroy attempts to turn Super Bowl Sunday into some sort of personal gift giving day (although I'm not quite sure how the exchanging of gifts is supposed to relate to a celebration of professional football). You can see by the rare hopeful look in his eye that he was really counting on Loretta's support; this makes Loretta's immediate rebuff of Leroy's earnest try at starting a new family tradition all the more heartbreaking. Loretta ties it up 1-1.
• Leroy's birthday celebration continues onto its second day of misery and disappointment. In true Lockhorn form, Leroy turns the normally lighthearted act of blowing out ones birthday candles into a melancholy rumination on the ravages of aging and the unavoidable truth of mortality. While it's absolutely possible that Leroy is in such poor health that he can't even blow out his birthday candles, Loretta obviously contributed by adding trick candles to ensure his failure. Loretta gets the point.
• Loretta takes advantage of Leroy getting lost on their usual Sunday drive to point out his gross hypocrisy. Given the unavoidable increase in tension that comes from being forced together into a closed space for an extended period of time, the Lockhorns must be driven by mutual masochism to agree to taking such drives together. All Leroy can do now is soak in the hate and to continue considering the odds of him and not Loretta surviving if he drives into the oncoming lane on the Long Island Expressway. Loretta seals the day, 3-1.
• After some research, I was a little disappointed that "Chick-N-D-Lish" appeared to be a fictional establishment (at the very least not on Long Island). Maybe it's for the best. The place certainly has a questionable amount of hyphens in their name and their sign, consisting of a profile head shot of a chicken, won't likely encourage anyone's appetite. Loretta certainly enjoys her trips to "Chick-N-D-Lish", since it gives her ample opportunities to embarrass Leroy in front of other couples by commenting how he can single-handedly endanger entire breeds of animals through eating. Also, isn't Leroy a bit too formally dressed to be eating at an all you can eat fried chicken restaurant? After dropping the first scene, Loretta earns four straight victories to deliver another historically dominant 4-1 Sunday Showdown win!
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 8
Loretta - 15
Push - 15

February 6, 2010

Since this party seems to correspond with the similarly unhappy, yet unclear, birthday party thrown around the same time last year, we finally learn that Leroy's birthday is around sometime in early February. It's nice to know that the Lockhorns' birthdays don't suffer the same inconsistencies as their cars. I don't understand why Loretta is angered by Leroy's reaction. What other possible reaction could she have expected from Leroy after giving him a framed reminder of the worst day of his life as his birthday gift? Wouldn't she have given the same reaction had Leroy (instead of his usual gifts of vacuums and ironing boards) given Loretta the same present? It's Leroy who should be offended by the present, not Loretta. Don't dish out the awful gifts, Loretta, if you can't handle the response. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 8
Loretta - 14
Push - 15

February 5, 2010

Joking that Leroy's room at home is still messy isn't exactly the most devastating of zingers; but hey an insult is an insult. Beardo and his wife, Shelley Duvall, certainly don't seem impressed (or cognizant of) Loretta's one-liner. Interestingly, Loretta's reference to Leroy's parents seem to imply that both of them are alive. I assumed for a while that they were dead since they never appeared. However, one cannot rule out the possibility that Loretta is just making all this up and in actuality is cruelly carrying on the mean-spirited charade of Leroy's parents being alive. Chalk up another point for Loretta.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 14
Push - 15

February 4, 2010

With the Superbowl on Sunday, it's quite unlikely that Leroy is actually participating in any current fantasy football leagues. Maybe he's just a fantasy football fanatic who is already preparing for next season or maybe he's part of some hardcore simulation league? Either way, this is one source of happiness for Leroy that Loretta is surprisingly allowing. However, she emphatically draws the line at something called "fantasy cheerleaders", which I assume is just her idiosyncratic euphemism for Internet pornography. I am actually going to take Loretta's side on this one; we've all seen the horrors of what happens when Leroy over does it with the virtual smut. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 13
Push - 15

Febraury 3, 2010

Today we get a revealing look at Leroy's binary system of coats: black coat for weekend cocktail parties, blue smock and black coat for work. Leroy should have learned the lesson by now that self deprecation will get you absolutely nowhere in the continuing battle of the Lockhorns, especially when it's in front of your significant other. At least when you're being down on yourself sans spouse, the worst (and most) you can get is a harmless push. When you're actually poking fun at yourself in front of your rival spouse, you're opening yourself up to a lot of susceptibility. Luckily, Leroy got away with his self mocking here; but he should be more careful in the future. It's a push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 12
Push - 15

February 2, 2010

Seeing as how today is Groundhog Day, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed that Loretta didn't dish out a holiday themed insult; maybe something mocking Leroy's rodent-like features or implying he hibernates or some crack about six more weeks of failure. Despite the lack of timely theme, Loretta's indictment of Leroy's unapologetic stubbornness is still a quality rank out. I find it quite ironic that the normally bullheaded Loretta is criticizing Leroy for being too bullheaded. That's the kind of masterful turning of the tables that we expect from a maestro like Loretta. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 12
Push - 14

February 1, 2010

Ever the diligent company man, Leroy understands that one shouldn't anger the hand that feeds you (or in this case distributes your checks). Then again, why should Leroy even care if he gets on the payroll manager's bad side? He gets paid a pitifully low salary and whatever he makes is immediately snatched up and spent by Loretta. In the end, delaying or mismanaging Leroy's paycheck will have no substantive effect on him. Whether he gets the check on time or not, he's not going to be able to spend his money. It's a push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 11
Push - 14