February 8, 2013

International Incidents

Official Count:

Leroy - 13

Loretta - 20

Push - 6

February 7, 2013

A Very Merry UnBirthday

*Author's Note: Well, we here at "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" certainly remembered your terrible birthday, Leroy.

Official Count:

Leroy - 13

Loretta - 19

Push - 6

December 29, 2012

Like A Bad Neighbor

Official Count:

Leroy - 130

Loretta - 145

Push - 89 

December 26, 2012

Complimentary Gift

Official Count:

Leroy - 129

Loretta - 144

Push - 88

December 1, 2012

Not In The Cards

Official Count:

Leroy - 120

Loretta - 133

Push - 83

November 29, 2012

Trashed

Author's Note: You know it's bad when Leroy is lecturing you on tipping.

Official Count:

Leroy - 120

Loretta - 132

Push - 82

October 8, 2012

P.S. I Hate You

Official Count:

Leroy - 98

Loretta - 114

Push - 70

August 25, 2012

You Gotta Fight For Your Right...

Official Count:

Leroy - 83

Loretta - 98

Push - 57

July 21, 2012

Mild Party

Official Count:

Leroy - 69

Loretta - 86

Push - 48

November 14, 2011

Vintage Model

*Author's note: Pretty unflattering portrayal of the customer service provided at the Lawrence Hill Service Station in Huntington. I can't imagine they'd be too happy with this plug.

Official Count:

Leroy - 105
Loretta - 126

Push - 87

October 14, 2011

Phone Bill

Official Count:

Leroy - 97
Loretta - 113

Push - 77

August 5, 2011

Blown Away

Official Count:

Leroy - 82
Loretta - 84

Push - 51

April 26, 2010

Leroy may ostensibly come off as fantastic jerk in this scene, obnoxiously hassling the busy hospital staff with the quality of his patient meal. However, I believe Leroy is well within his rights to stubbornly protest the quality of his meals. Due to Loretta's notoriously terrible cooking, an extended stay at the hospital away from home is a fleeting opportunity for Leroy to actually have some decent, non-toxic, cuisine free. In fact I suspect that some of Leroy's medical emergencies are self-inflicted so he can at least have an occasional edible meal. Given all the suffering Leroy has endured, I don't think it's all that unreasonable for the staff to improve the quality of his roast beef dinner. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 35
Loretta - 44
Push - 36

January 2, 2010

The Lockhorns go to celebrate the new year at a upscale dining establishment only to be plagued once again by terrible wait service. At the very least, having no wait service is marginally better than straight up hostile wait service that tries to take advantage of you. It's like there's a secret conspiracy among the entire restaurant service industry to deny the Lockhorns anything remotely resembling actual service. This freeze out is especially hard on Leroy, whose only opportunity to eat edible food is when he's dinning out. The wait for the first Lockhorn on Lockhorn insult continues. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 0

Loretta - 0
Push - 2

December 31, 2009

After a year of misery, loathing, anger, resentment, and spite; the Lockhorns find themselves kicked out of their local New Years Eve party and stuck once again with their unbearable selves; how utterly proper. While the details have always been left ambiguous, whatever Leroy's views are on politics, sports, or religion they must be quite extreme and controversial for him to alienate so many people and be such a pariah in the community. After multiple decades of getting banned from parties I don't know how many more homes are left on Long Island for the Lockhorns to be welcomed in. Perhaps a few more years of this and they'll have to seek greener pastures in Westchester or even New Jersey. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 111

Loretta - 145
Push - 109

***

With that final push, the foregone conclusion for the past two months finally becomes official: Loretta Lockhorn is the inaugural 2009 "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" Champion! Through 365 grueling, excruciating days demonstrating the darkest, ugliest corners of the human condition, Loretta emerges from the abyss as the undisputed champion. For Leroy, hopefully he can learn from his miscues and missed opportunities from this unsuccessful year and find a way to challenge Loretta rather than the Push for positioning. Also, for all the readers out there, thank you all for accompanying me through this harrowing journey through the twisted world of the Lockhorns. Things got a little backed up and rushed at times, but we made it through the entire year (just barely) and I look forward to archiving another 365 round prize fight in 2010 between everyone's favorite loathsome couple: The Lockhorns.

December 24, 2009

The Lockhorns' ongoing struggles with the Lenharts seem to have reached a sort of détente with both sides mutually agreeing not to invite or attend each other's party, leading to the only possible scenario where the Lockhorns would be given a thank you note for doing anything. While it looks that an uneasy peace has been temporarily established, the pessimist in me suspects future flare ups between the Lockhorns and their off screen nemeses. The two anatogonistic couples seem to be busy fixtures of the same Long Island middle aged drunken cocktail party scene and tensions still run fairly high. It's yet another push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 110

Loretta - 142
Push - 106

November 25, 2009

The Lockhorns' continue their strange, nonsensical foray into the brave new world of social networking. Loretta really should not be that surprised at all the enemies Leroy has seemingly gained on Facebook. She's the one who commented just a couple months prior about how Leroy has joined something called an "anti-social network". I'm still unconvinced that they're not making all this up and they're really just staring into the blank unpowered screen of a computer they have yet to figure out how to start. With that being said, the fact remains that Leroy is still a jerk and Loretta still gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 105
Loretta - 131
Push - 93

November 6, 2009

Another initially friendly visit by acquaintances, another bridge irreparably burned by Leroy. Leroy needs to funnel some more of that precious hate back at Loretta if he wants to make this race interesting. While his quest to make the Lockhorns the universally acknowledged pariahs of of Long Island (and perhaps even the greater tri-state area) is a noble one, it is quickly approaching crunch time and there are only so many more opportunities left for points. At this stage, additional pushes only serve to whittle down Loretta's magic number to clinch victory. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 96
Loretta - 122
Push - 92

October 9, 2009

The always antagonistic Leroy ruins the Ice Capades for Loretta, all the other spectators, and their children by engaging in some implied on-ice altercation with the performers. Leroy scores a double victory with his inappropriate behavior: he spoils Loretta's precious plans for a night out and most likely has gotten the Lockhorns permanently banned from Nassau Coliseum, thus avoiding future trips to the Ice Capades. For his on ice actions Leroy scores a point; which is something that New York Islanders fans haven't seen too much of from the team at the Coliseum over the last few years.

Official Count:

Leroy - 88
Loretta - 107
Push - 87

September 21, 2009

I'm pretty sure Loretta is just flipping around buzzwords about social networking she heard on the TV or the radio and turning them into jokes about Leroy. Not only did it take him two long frustrating years to assemble his home computer (a pre-made iMac mind you); it appears that he is still struggling to figure out how to turn on the machine, let alone engage in Internet activities. Even if we were to assume Leroy has somehow become technology literate enough to navigate the net, what exactly is an "anti-social network"? Did he join a support group for people with anti-social disorders? Despite the confusing pun, we all the general message, Leroy is an anti-social jerk; and for that Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 79
Loretta - 101
Push - 84