September 27, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Ever the tireless patron of the arts, Loretta and her corpulent friend pick up their tickets for the recent opening night production of "Tosca" at the Metropolitan Opera. Loretta tells a decent anecdote about how Leroy hates being dragged to the opera, but most of my focus is on her new friend. Somehow Loretta has managed to find someone that is more unappealing than herself in every possible physical aspect. She has got to be the most unattractive woman (assuming she's even a woman) I have ever seen in a Lockhorns panel (and that's saying a lot). It's a push.
• Leroy once again shows us that his singular burning hatred of the institution of marriage guides his entire political ideology. For Leroy, fair and balanced journalism involves an equal amount of information about divorces and weddings. I'm sure the editor of the local paper will get yet another strongly worded letter from Leroy condemning him for his alleged bias towards the pro-marriage agenda. Leroy gets the point.
• Loretta retains her comfortable lead in the yearlong tally by always remaining aware and focused when it comes to insult opportunities. To maintain her quick wit and sharp tongue she engages in activities like intense meditation in an effort to be constantly prepared to outwit Leroy at every turn. Smartly, Leroy has decided to use these meditation sessions to hit Loretta at a vulnerable state and to possibly disrupt her mental preparations. He'll have to come up with few more clever moves like this if he wants to get back in the race. For now though, Leroy goes up 2 to 0.
• Leroy performs double duty by both criticizing Loretta's terrible cooking and saving the dinner guests from certain food poisoning. He could have waited until everyone was seated and eating to break out his latest caustic culinary comment, but he saved everyone a long sleepless night of agonizing abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting by getting the word out first. Sometimes a well placed insult can provide more than just some laughs, it can potentially save lives. Leroy rolls to 3-0.
• The obvious reading of Loretta's joke is that while Leroy may be dancing and flirting it up with the monstrous bimbo now, he'll no doubt be pathetically passed out on the floor in a puddle of his own sick. However, for some of the more dirty minded readers out there, someone being "called on the carpet" may have a slightly more lurid connotation. All I'm saying is the height differential actually creates an ideal match up. I'm just going to leave it at that since any more thought of it would require me suffocate myself in the hopes of causing enough brain damage to forget my disturbing thoughts. Loretta salvages a point, but Leroy rolls with a 3-1 win.
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 83
Loretta - 102
Push - 85