January 31, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta is obviously making light of Leroy's trademark road rage after a Sunday drive, but I think this scene would be a lot more interesting if Leroy actually drove Loretta through some sort of twisted, Deliverance-esque, backwater region full of inbred morons and lunatics in the hopes of abandoning her there. His failure to forsake Loretta in the middle of sadistic hillbilly country would also explain the frustrated look on Leroy's face as he grumbles back home in defeat. In either case, Loretta comes out the winner; 1-0.
• Leroy uses his trusty iPod to not only drown out the annoying sounds of the opera but also to enjoy books despite his illiteracy. Unfortunately for Leroy, indulging in his audio books also opens him to endless ridicule from Loretta. Tonight he incorrectly presumed that Loretta had already fallen asleep and that it was safe to break out the latest bestseller without fear of mockery. It was a fatal mistake indeed. Loretta assumes full control with another point.
• Judging by Loretta's guilty satisfied smile, it's more than likely that she has somehow tampered with the Lockhorns' fancy talking bathroom scale so that it would give Leroy an insulting response with regards to his weight. It's pretty unbelievable that a woman who has yet to learn how to properly drive an automobile could manage the complex task of manipulating an electronic scale to crack jokes. When it comes to hurtfully ridiculing each other, the Lockhorns are capable of amazing feats. Loretta is running away with the day, 3-0.
• In a deft display of bold brinkmanship, Loretta manages to stop Leroy from breaking out a criticism about her terrible food at the dinner table. What should should have been a winning line by Leroy about the similarities between plastic wrap and the glaze Loretta puts in her meals is preemptively diffused and re-characterized as Loretta mocking Leroy for not being able to tell the difference between plastic wrap and her glaze. If Loretta's going to be putting up amazing insults like this, we might as well crown her the champ right now. It's a laughable 4-0 runaway!
• Leroy manages to save a scant bit of face by making a snide cocktail party remark about Loretta's garrulousness when it comes to her medical history and the hypocrisy of her refusals to formally release her medical records. In addition to preserving a little bit of pride, Leroy manages to stay out of the record books by spoiling Loretta's bid for an unprecedented perfect Sunday. For now, Loretta just has to settle for an impressive 4-1 blow out of Leroy and winning her first Sunday Showdown of the year in grand fashion.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 11
Push - 13

January 30, 2010

This scene can be used to demonstrate the subtle nuances of this year long back and forth battle between Leroy and Loretta. If Loretta was in the scene and referred to Leroy using his "wait-training" pun, then it would clearly be a point for her. Even if she didn't say it, and she was just standing away for Leroy, contently smiling at the fact she's making Leroy suffer by waiting out in the street on one of the coldest days of the year; a point would have been arguable. Alas however, under the current situation, Leroy's personal mutterings directed towards his completely catatonic friend can only be ruled as just another push.

It's all about seizing those brief moments.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 10
Push - 13

January 29, 2010

I sure remember my undergrad years and all those semesters of diligent fountain of knowledge drinking. It's a pretty strained punchline just to get at the well worn "Leroy is a drunk" insult. Then again, Loretta really doesn't need to break out the A material when Leroy is in one of his more out of control states of inebriation. He's pretty much writing out the jab and handing it to Loretta to read. She probably doesn't even have to say anything, a mere embarrassed eye roll juxtaposed against Leroy's manic display would have been more than enough. The simple pleasures of having a spouse with an uncontrollable drinking problem. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 10
Push - 12

January 28, 2010

It looks like Leroy has finally won a small battle in his long war against unresponsive customer support, but alas he is so unprepared for real human interaction that he can only stand in confused shock. I'm sure given the Lockhorns' luck, this minor victory will probably go sour immediately as the person on the other line is either inappropriately rude and sarcastic or is an outsourced phone representative with an unintelligibly thick foreign accent. It's one of the great, unbreakable laws of the universe: the Lockhorns never get good service. Push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 9
Push - 12

January 27, 2010

So the first wrong here is that Leroy is committing the classic slobby husband faux pas of drinking milk out of the carton. I'm not quite sure what the second wrong is. Is it that he's leaving the fridge door open too long? Was Loretta saving that milk for something? Was Leroy supposed to buy more milk on his way home from work? Is he lactose intolerant and thus should not be drinking milk? I don't really get it, maybe Loretta's just mad that Leroy is consuming actual sustenance on her watch. Either way, Loretta seems mighty upset and that means Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 7
Loretta - 9
Push - 11

January 26, 2010

As he does at the end of every fruitless session, Counselor Pullman clearly and directly reminds the Lockhorns about their bill. While part of the ritual is to obviously make sure the Lockhorns are paying their required fees, the other reason is for the counselor to remind himself why he voluntarily agrees to spend an hour every week in an intimate room with these two awful people. It is a motivating reminder of what the Lockhorns provide in exchange for his professional misery: a never ending stream of steady income. It's a push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 6
Loretta - 9
Push - 11

January 25, 2010

Did we really need to see this? Couldn't Loretta be relentlessly nagging Leroy about any other topic at any other location? Did we really have to be subject to the repellent sight of Leroy leering at the prospect of a night of pleasuring himself to soft core amateur footage of drunk borderline underage girls? Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God. At the very least the always vigilant Loretta is quickly putting her abnormally large foot down on the matter and quashing any chance of this actually happening. Still, it's hard to wash the images from my mind. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 6
Loretta - 9
Push - 10

January 24, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• After another harsh winter snowstorm, Loretta takes personal pleasure in reminding Leroy about his absentmindedness. This is by far one of the mildest points I have run across in my Lockhorn detailing. Leaving the snow shovel outside after the last snowstorm seems to be hardly an egregious display of ineptitude. It's definitely nowhere near the severity of the usual faux pas Leroy gets insulted for. I'll give Loretta the point here, but I definitely expect more hate and vitriol in future scenes. Loretta goes up 1-0.
• Now this is definitely more like the excessively spiteful Loretta that I've come to know and love. Before Leroy can even take a brief moment to rest on his living room chair, Loretta brings in one of her friends for the sole purpose of being an audience to her Leroy mocking punchline, which belittles Leroy's worth as a human being. Classic insult, classic Loretta. Loretta takes a commanding 2-0 lead.
• Leroy scores another memorable point by masterfully using a picture of Loretta's mother as a prop. It's left to the imagination of Loretta and the audience as to whether her mother's profoundly unhappy portrait is supposed to scare away or actually somehow kill the mice living in the cartoonish arched hole in the wall. If I was Loretta, I'd try to take down all other known pictures of her mother in the house to prevent future liability. Leroy cuts the lead down to 2-1.
• I find this scene at the local multiplex to be a little odd. You initially have Leroy complaining about the prevalence of distracting cell phone usage in theaters by making a terribly outdated reference to "talkies" that would have sounded dated 80 years ago; nothing new there. However, all the theatergoers seem to be using completely anachronistic, unwieldy Zack Morris Cell Phones from the 80s. It's like we're trapped in some bizarre Lockhorns time warp. Lets just push on out of this strange and terrible place.
• Continuing with the anachronism vibe, shouldn't a picture of Leroy and Loretta on their wedding day taken countless decades ago look at least a little different from what they look like now? I guess the Lockhorns are like Angela Lansbury, forever late middle-aged. That being said, the expressions on their faces are priceless. Leroy has the hopeless, shell shocked stare of a man who has been given a death sentence, while Loretta can't hold back her evil sadistic grin as she anticipates all the horrors she'll inflict on Leroy. For now though, it's Leroy who gets the score, by pointing how how Loretta has completely failed to provide any happiness in his life. Leroy's furious comeback and Loretta's failure to capitalize on an early lead ends in a push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 6
Loretta - 8
Push - 10

January 23, 2010

You would have to be obliviously naive to not suspect that there is some collusion going on here between Leroy and his fellow unhappy, balding, middle-aged cronies. Such a loaded question like "what you do without your wife?" being shoehorned into the general conversation raises many questionable red flags. This was obviously a premeditated effort by the three to corner Loretta and give Leroy an easy opportunity to drop the insulting hammer down. While these sort of tactics may be seen as dishonest and unfair in the objective sense; when it comes to the all out war of attrition between the Lockhorns, such tricks are completely valid, if not encouraged. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 6
Loretta - 8

Push - 9

January 22, 2010

Leroy's original plan to prevent the always dangerous Loretta from driving by hiding the keys has ultimately backfired. It appears now that Leroy concealed them a bit too well and he finds himself the unfortunate victim of his own diligence; looking foolish and getting angrier as he turns the house upside down in his search. Rather than unleashing the expected, bitterly smug, "I told you so" lecture on Leroy, her apt disdainful eye rolling says all that needs to be said. With merely her expressive body language, Loretta scores the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 5
Loretta - 8
Push - 9

January 21, 2010

Isn't "Leroy is getting Leroyer" the same as "the poor are getting poorer"? I guess there may be a more nuanced distinction. Leroy getting Leroyer isn't merely just a decline in finances, it's a more across the board type of decline, like in health, hygiene, self esteem, and general will to live. It must be a really serious funk for Leroy if he's too despondent to even put on his usual black pants/colored polo shirt ensemble to mope around the house. Of course Loretta demonstrates that one Lockhorn's debilitating depression is another Lockhorn's personal windfall as she waste no time in calling up her friend to ridicule Leroy. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 5
Loretta - 7
Push - 9

January 20, 2010

Leroy takes an interesting gambit and turns a potentially negative situation like being caught cheating on his diet with a tub of ice cream into a bold act of defiance against Loretta's constant health related nagging. It's quite an interesting move by Leroy, by embracing one of his biggest weaknesses, he somehow manages to still get at Loretta's goat. In addition, the sight of Leroy savoring the taste of real edible food and actually getting some kind of nourishment is an additional affront to Loretta. Leroy packs on the points.

Official Count:

Leroy - 5

Loretta - 6

Push - 9

January 19, 2010

Loretta once again asserts her overwhelming intellectual superiority on the simpleminded Leroy, defeating him in the highly strategic and cerebral game of chess to make up for her loss in a board game that was designed for ages 8 and under. If Leroy can take any lessons from this defeat for the rest of the year is that he should never attempt to outwit Loretta and to try to stick to simple straightforward scenarios. A win is a win and if he can string enough "candy lands" together (i.e. easy shots about cooking, Loretta's bad driving, etc.) he can still pull off a victory. Until then however, Loretta is still the champ. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 4

Loretta - 6

Push - 9

January 18, 2010

The doctor is obviously playing coy with the Lockhorns here. He knows, as we all know, that there is a more than likely probability that Leroy's skiing "accident" was actually the inflicted harm of an enraged Loretta. Fearing for his own life, the good doctor won't dare even approach the possibility of foul play. It may be that everyone in this tense, uncomfortable room is all playing their roles in an implicit charade; all playing along that this situation is just a result of bad luck and bad skiing rather than the unsettling denouement of the latest horrifying episode of a grotesquely dysfunctional marriage. I'd like to give Loretta the point here, but I need a little bit more to prove the suspicions. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 4

Loretta - 5

Push - 9

January 17, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Always one to kick Leroy when he's down, Loretta wastes no time criticizing Leroy's overconfident decision to put together a wooden bookcase without using the instructions. Like a classic Greek tragedy, it is Leroy's fatal hubris that leads to his ultimate undoing. It's a downright humiliating start for Leroy, sitting confused and defeated on the floor like a frustrated infant; while Loretta scolds over him from above. Loretta scores the first point.
• It now appears that Leroy's complaining and grumbling are not just limited to operas and plays, even Sunday services are an unbearable strain on his attention span. I think it's safe to conclude that unless there's a buxom bimbo or a bunch of large explosions involved, Leroy will immediately dismiss whatever is going on as painfully boring. Of course the fact that Loretta is consistently annoyed by this behavior further encourages it. Leroy ties it up 1-1.
• I really have to tip my hat to Leroy on this one. He invites Loretta to an evening out at particularly fancy restaurant just to he can watch her torture herself with guilt as she tries to choose between denying herself the delicious, rich cuisine or breaking yet another diet. It's a downright diabolical scheme that seems far closer to the sort of sadistic acts Loretta would commit than Leroy's usual fare. Leroy takes the lead 2-1.
• Unfortunately for Leroy, Loretta's mother's large blue suitcase seems to indicate an extended stay, so he has to make the best of what while no doubt be an absolutely miserable situation. It's not to most clever or original of rank outs, but Leroy's personal wish of keeping Loretta's mother out of his life via a gated community is a solid, no nonsense, piece of insulting that seals him another Sunday Showdown. Leroy takes a Sunday clinching 3-1 lead.
• A more productive than usual Sunday unfortunately ends with a sour taste in the form of a completely worthless push. In the final scene of the day we find the Lockhorns in full "those were the days" reactionary mode, observing what a rare sight handwritten documents are in our paperless, digital world. What kind of out of touch technocrats do the Lockhorns hang out with that they look at every handwritten document as if it's some amazing alien artifact? They don't even look all that much younger than the Lockhorns! It's a baffling push. Leroy takes the day 3-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 4

Loretta - 5

Push - 8

January 16, 2010

Another painfully awkward moment with friends brought to you by the Lockhorns. It's clearly a win for Loretta but I feel that there were so many better directions she could have gone in this situation. What kind of cutting insult is it to refer to someone as "Old Faithful"? Given his long history of bimbo ogling/drunken dancing, he is most definitely not faithful. I guess the obvious implication is that Leroy is old, but that really could have been accomplished in a better manner than comparing him to a geyser that happens to have the word "old" in its name. It's a little sloppy but a point is a point. Loretta scores.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 5

Push - 8

January 15, 2010

Loretta does an exemplary job of making a cruel mockery of the thankfulness and gratitude Leroy should be receiving for working hard and bringing home the bacon. For those who think the lives of the Lockhorns are all sour faces, financial gloom, and rage-filled fistfights; today's scene shows that they do have their infrequent moments of levity (albeit only when sadistically ridiculing and belittling each other). Perhaps Leroy would be taken more seriously at work, and thus earn a slightly less laughably small salary, if he started bringing an adult sized brief case to to the office. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 4

Push - 8

January 14, 2010

Ever the unrepentant carnivore, even when given the choice between eliminating one type of meat from his diet or continued ill health and an untimely death, Leroy refuses to make any such concessions and chides the doctor with a lousy pun. Dr. Blog's thousand yard stare shows quite clearly that he really couldn't care less what Leroy ends up doing. Of course, the most beneficial diet for Leroy would be one that eliminates any meals by Loretta all together. Actually, shouldn't she be in her usual position alongside Leroy, ready to ridicule at a moment's notice? It looks like a real missed opportunity to me. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 3

Push - 8

January 13, 2010

Loretta continues to cruelly ridicule Leroy's illiteracy by mockingly pretending that Leroy has actually read 27 pages of a novel. She must have caught him on one of his many tortured nights by the living room bookcase, struggling in vain to sound out and comprehend the words that give him so much daily grief; frustration and rage continuing to mount as he compulsively shovels potato chips into his mouth to help numb the despair. For Loretta, that sort of heartbreaking episode is just pure gold. If she looks closely, she should also notice that subtly mixed in among the crumbs and grease spots are equally bitter tear stains. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 3

Push - 7

January 12, 2010

Just another vanilla push involving the Lockhorns getting shabby treatment at their local branch...or biting commentary on the dangers of modern society's ever growing reliance on technology? Perhaps the ardently neo-luddite Lockhorns would be better served by a bank that is not so completely dependant on their computers that they refuse to even question their fallibility. They should look for some new institution where all the tellers wear the old timey arm bands with visors and the most advanced machine they have is an abacus. Okay, maybe I'm being a little ridiculous here; we all know that the Lockhorns obviously don't have any money to move to a new bank. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 2

Push - 7

January 11, 2010

No doubt invigorated and enthused by the upset victory by his local New York Jets over the Cincinnati Bengals in the playoffs over the weekend, Leroy decides to chase that good feeling and gives a stirring rebuke against Loretta's usual game time nagging. If it was up to Leroy, he would opt for Loretta to give him the silent treatment and the cold shoulder for the rest of their married lives; of course he knows he'll never get off that easily. For now though Leroy is content to continue his Sunday success into the week and hopefully, in the long run, over the year. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 2
Push - 6

January 10, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Leroy puts on quite a surreal display at the local fine dining establishment to the incensed embarrassment of Loretta and the odd lack of response from the rest of the patrons. The prospect of actual, edible, non-tainted food is such a rare treat for Leroy that he has to spitefully commemorate every one of his real meals like a great victory, much to the chagrin of Loretta. Since I can't imagine any of the other diners to humor Leroy's ridiculous behavior, I'm pretty sure that he hired the photographer ahead of time to act as his accomplice. Mission accomplished; Leroy gets the first point.
• Loretta goes back to the basics with a classic rank out about Leroy's slothful slobiness. Loretta's wonderfully elegant one liner has amazing versatility in that it can be read to attack Leroy's laziness, weight, and dishonesty all in one fell swoop. With this exemplary effort, Loretta proves once again that when it comes to wordplay and verbal dexterity, she is the undisputed grand master. Loretta ties it up 1-1.
• The gift counselor's freakish, incongruously detailed, appearance may suggest that she may somehow be related the Lockhorns' equally disturbing acquaintances, Stan and Pauline. Monstrous facades aside, between the yearly gifts of vacuums, ironing boards, and tin foil, when has Leroy ever given Loretta anything but practical gifts for their anniversaries? If those previous gifts are his idea of fanciful, impractical gifts, one can only imagine what would fall under his view of more practical gifts (weather striping? rock salt? dishrags?). It's a push.
• When it comes to annoying Loretta and avoiding the culturally beneficial horrors of the opera, the normally old fashioned Leroy is more than willing to embrace the latest gadgets. I wonder what Leroy is so happily listening to on his iPod in lieu of the opera. I figure it's a varied playlist of old time swing music, white noise, and Paul Harvey commentaries. Another night at the opera ruined and another point for Leroy.
• In this scene, the Lockhorns seemed to have shifted from being bewilderingly dysfunctional to bewilderingly macabre. I guess we're supposed to be amused by Leroy's completely inappropriate pride over beating the hearse to the burial? At first glance, it looked like the Lockhorns were the ones who drove the hearse in, which raises all sorts of disturbing Lockhorn homicide scenarios. Actually, doesn't it look like Loretta's totally ready to push Leroy into the open grave? Regardless, it's a push; which means Leroy takes his second consecutive Sunday showdown: 2-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 2

Loretta - 2
Push - 6

January 9, 2010

Nine days into the new year and Leroy has yet to abandon his futile yearly resolution to start getting into shape. This may very well be a personal best. Loretta has, unfortunately thus far, failed to capitalize on this golden opportunity to mercilessly mock Leroy as he fails miserably at the gym. It really should be Loretta, not Leroy, delivering the above unflattering statement about his excess baggage. Meanwhile the seriously disinterested gym employee, who has long since zoned out Leroy voice, continues to wonder if it isn't too late for him to go back and finish college. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 2
Push - 6

January 8, 2010

It took her a little longer to get going but Loretta is already starting to develop momentum as she follows up yesterday's victory with today's belittling of Leroy's paycheck. Today's scene is just classic Loretta in perfect form. The look of utter contempt on her face, the simmering impotent rage on Leroy's; it's all like clockwork. Even Loretta's position closer to the viewer contributes to her overall victory by making her even seem larger than Leroy. It also doesn't help Leroy that he's carrying an emasculating, clownishly tiny, briefcase that looks more like a woman's purse. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 2
Push - 5

January 7, 2010

Loretta makes her first strike of the new year in spectacular fashion with a masterful reversal at the dinner table! What should have been a standard "Loretta's cooking is terrible" scene and an easy point for Leroy has been unexpectedly flipped into a sharp insult by Loretta about Leroy's excessive cooking complaints. In over a year of Lockhorns watching, I can't recall such a bold move on the part of Loretta; completely unprecedented. Loretta criticizing Leroy about his constant nagging? At dinner? It's like up is down and left is right. All, I've got to say is Leroy better start stepping up his game, if there's anything he can learn from all this is that there are definately no easy points. Loretta scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 1
Push - 5

January 6, 2010

Even the Immortal Bard is not immune to Leroy's grumpy complaints. As soon as the theater patrons shuffle out Leroy unleashes his brief but direct criticism of the show; thus demonstrating that brevity truly is the sole of wit. If even Shakespeare can't escape Leroy's disapproval, what hope is there for any other playwright? One odd detail I noticed about today's scene is that Leroy seems to be wearing the same weird blue smock that he is usually seen wearing while commuting to work. Perhaps he had to directly meet Loretta at the theater after work? While Loretta does look disappointed, I don't think there's enough here to take it out of push territory. It's officially a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 0
Push - 5

January 5, 2010

Had we witnessed the actual scene where Leroy surprises Loretta with the insulting gift of additional collision insurance, this would have been a slam dunk point for Leroy. Unfortunately, Loretta's first hand account of it to her friend merely counts as a push. Sure, it's Leroy ragging on Loretta's dangerously inept driving abilities, but in a weird way it's sort of a thoughtful present on his part. Loretta can now recklessly drive through the highways and byways of Long Island with the added comfort of knowing she has a higher cap on the amount of harm and damage she can cause. It's another push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 0
Push - 4

January 4, 2010

The Lockhorns would benefit greatly from joining the growing number of American households that are eliminating their traditional home phone service. It seems that the only people calling them are annoying telemarketers and threatening bill collectors. In addition, Loretta has already taken to racking up four figure service bills on her cell phone line. I suspect that by this point the Lockhorns are maintaining their home land line only for the purposes of using their fax machine and their dial-up Internet service. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 0
Push - 3

January 3, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• I don't know what's a more futile and fruitless exercise for the Lockhorns: a session with their marriage counselor or a session with their financial counselor. It's also a little hypocritical for Loretta to be bemoaning the Lockhorns lack of financial resources when she is by far the biggest reason they are in such dire straits. The Lockhorns' harrowing free fall into the poorhouse continues unabated. It's a push.
• Oh the breathtaking majesty of seeing Loretta is in full on nagging mode! The furled brow, the crossed arms, the boiling rage, the irritating repetition! It's like watching Michelangelo painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel or Jordan in the 4th quarter of an NBA final; a glorious look at a true master practicing their art at the top of their game. Judging by Leroy's firm incapacitation, it looks like she'll be working on this nag for an extended period. Loretta goes up 1-0.
  
• As a despondent Loretta wages her sad losing battle against the ravages of age at the vanity mirror, Leroy find a dynamite opportunity to comment on it and cut directly to her cripplingly insecurities. Ice cold. If Leroy wants to remain competitive in the new year, it would serve him well to exploit the self consciousness front that was so under utilized by him the previous year. Leroy ties it up.
• Leroy and his poor friend find themselves thankful and fortunate after having survived another life threatening meal from Loretta. While it's been long established that Loretta has been attempting to poison Leroy with her cooking since day one, but it's a bit unfair that their innocent dinner guest has to face an attempt on his life as well. Perhaps, she's just trying to eliminate all potential witnesses. Leroy goes up 2-1 and lives to criticize another day.
• I think Leroy's line would work better if Loretta was a psychologist or if they were at a psychologist's office (or maybe even the marriage counselor's). We get that a visit to Loretta's Victorian Era mother-in-law is a traumatic event for Leroy and requires some therapy afterward; but since when was Loretta ever interested in hearing about Leroy's feelings? Also that alien smile on the face of the usually perpetually scowling mother-in-law is sort of making me uncomfortable. Leroy still earns the point and runs away with the day, 3-1. The first Lockhorn point of the new year!

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 0
Push - 2

January 2, 2010

The Lockhorns go to celebrate the new year at a upscale dining establishment only to be plagued once again by terrible wait service. At the very least, having no wait service is marginally better than straight up hostile wait service that tries to take advantage of you. It's like there's a secret conspiracy among the entire restaurant service industry to deny the Lockhorns anything remotely resembling actual service. This freeze out is especially hard on Leroy, whose only opportunity to eat edible food is when he's dinning out. The wait for the first Lockhorn on Lockhorn insult continues. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 0

Loretta - 0
Push - 2

January 1, 2010

A lame pun about the Lockhorns' floundering portfolio, it's definitely not the most auspicious of starts to the new year. Given how trapped in the past the Lockhorns are I imagine their stock portfolio to consist of holdings in asbestos manufacturing firms, pomade producers, and companies that are specializing in developing "new fangled" vacuum tubes (or as the Lockhorns call them "tech stocks"). I also suspect their broker to be a conservatively dressed man in a room patiently reading the latest lines from a stock ticker. It looks like we'll have to wait until at least tomorrow to see whether Leroy or Loretta draws first blood on the year. Until then, it's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 0

Loretta - 0
Push - 1