July 31, 2009

It's just another costly day of wasted marriage counseling for the Lockhorns. I think the only reason they even go to Pullman is to find some willing audience for their back and forth sniping. Even with the generous hourly rate he earns, it's obvious that it's a difficult struggle for Pullman to put up with their irritating banter. Today, Leroy is seen bitterly regretting the terrible mistake of his marriage to Loretta; an activity he engages in during most of his waking life. Loretta gets upset and the counselor checks the wall clock for the once again. Leroy scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 66
Loretta - 78
Push - 68

July 30, 2009

It may be just a pithy joke about the usual ruinous state of the Lockhorns' household finances, but with that Spock inspired comment, Loretta manages to capture the essence of the Lockhorns' hellish existence. The Lockhorns continue to live, for decade after soul crushing decade, their grim, hate-filled, monotonous existence without any hope of the eventual sweet relief of death. One imaginative interpretation of the Lockhorns is that they are dead and actually in some sort of eternal hell; forced for all eternity to endure disastrous poverty, shallow cocktail parties, apathetic doctors, and each other's miserable company. That would possibly explain why they're in monochromatic voids all the time. A profoundly existential push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 65
Loretta - 78
Push - 68

July 29, 2009

When it comes to the Lockhorns, it's not all devastating insults and slanderous asides. Sometimes it's subtle mind games. Leroy has finally caught onto Loretta's nuanced taunting of his lifelong weight problems. What the casual observer would see as just an unappetizing four-sided cake was in actuality an unappetizing, deliberate attempt at subliminally reminding Leroy of all his dieting failures. Of course there was also the not so subtle rat poison mixed in. Although her run of complex psychological domestic warfare may be over, for her efforts, Loretta has more an earned her point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 65
Loretta - 78
Push - 67

July 28, 2009

To me Leroy's disturbing actions look less like carbo-loading and more like regurgitating silken material to form some sort of monstrous cocoon. Loretta likes to point out to her uninterested, blond friend that Leroy is rendering any possible benefit to his planned jog by gluttonously consuming carbs for the two weeks prior; however Leroy's personal carbohydrate consuming ritual is actually meant to sustain him for another extended period of eating Loretta's cooking, which contains no trace of nourishment. Leroy needs the surplus calories and extended energy to power his meal critiques. Loretta still gets the point for today, though.

Official Count:

Leroy - 65
Loretta - 77
Push - 67

July 27, 2009

After being mercilessly mocked by Loretta the previous week for his clownish attire, Leroy turns the tables on Loretta by ridiculing her new outfits with circus/carnival references. Hopefully, Leroy has learned the lesson that with Loretta's frumpy physique and constant shopping, he should really be exploiting these fashion based jokes rather than be exploited by them. Did you get a look at those massive shoulder pads? You could take an eye of with one of these! Leroy nails the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 65
Loretta - 75
Push - 67

July 26, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta's mother is so unbelievably old fashioned that she relaxes in the Lockhorns' kiddie pool in a full matronly gown. This makes Loretta's usual beach frock seems downright scandalous by comparison. She's so old that Leroy's Wizard of Oz/Wicked Witch reference may be too modern of a comparison for her. Some 19th century based comparisons may be more apt in her case. In the end it's still a point for Leroy since it annoys Loretta.
• Leroy strikes again with a real ice cold piece of spite directed at Loretta. This time, instead of actually falling asleep in order to escape Loretta's perpetual nagging, he feigns sleep. However, not satisfied by his little ruse, Leroy goes ahead and directly informs Loretta that he is intentionally doing this to avoid her. He may have lost the benefit of his deception, but at least he gained a point.
  
• The world as we know it is over! The Lockhorns are Twittering! Has Twitter really gotten so mainstream as to be made aware of and used by the Lockhorns? The same Lockhorns that continue to hopelessly watch snowed out analog television and fear cordless phones? Since when did they even get a computer? Perhaps Loretta has gotten the word "twitter" confused with "telegraph". A strange and disturbing push indeed.
• The obvious read is Loretta is implying that when she thinks of Leroy, his crabby personality is one of his most prominent features; hence the "crab" restaurant. The darker read would be that Leroy is actually deathly allergic to shellfish and Loretta obviously picked this restaurant because she wants Leroy to die...preferably in the painful throws of a crustacean induced anaphylactic shock. Loretta gets on the board.
• It's one thing when Loretta belittles Leroy about his meager earnings, but when she publicly humiliates him in front of their friends and neighbors, she really cuts to the bone. This one is a particularly hurtful piece of mockery. You can just feel of horrific tension in the room and the unbearably awkward position of the couple involved in this toxic exchange. Sadly, this is one of their better evenings with guests. A straight up choke job by Leroy and a strong late surge by Lorretta leads to an overall push for the day.
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 64
Loretta - 75
Push - 67

July 25, 2009

The quickest way to completely spoil one's carefully planned wedding aside from serving unrefrigerated seafood is to invite the Lockhorns. Between all the drunken mayhem of Leroy and the unending volley of mean spirited remarks from Loretta, you've got yourself a perfectly ruined affair. It's like having your own personal ominous thunderstorm at your wedding, except instead of rain, it's a torrential downpour of hopeless negativity. While Leroy has historically been the one dishing out the anti-marriage advice; it appears that Loretta have already beaten him to the punch. Loretta's "advice" on the depreciation of the value of husbands also acts two fold by denouncing the institution of marriage and sticking it to Leroy. Loretta takes the day.

Official Count:

Leroy - 64
Loretta - 76
Push - 66

July 24, 2009

It seems Leroy's drunkenness at tonight's party has gone past the usual embarrassing inebriation to full blown alcohol induced psychosis. Reliably, while Leroy becomes a danger to himself and every other party goer who comes in contact with him during his hallucinatory haze, Loretta casually crack a joke at his expense. She even gives her zinger a topical flavor by dropping a reference to the mortgage crisis. A few months prior and her comment actually would have been current. Keep working at it Loretta, you may make it soon enough. For now, a point for you.

Official Count:

Leroy - 64
Loretta - 75
Push - 66

July 23, 2009

Actually, according to the traditional American anniversary gift chart, the proper gift for a second anniversary is cotton. Tin/aluminum (although not exactly that straight up tin foil that Leroy suggested) is actually the appropriate gift for the tenth anniversary. Of course all this should be moot since its been many a decades since the Lockhorns started their unholy union. I'm not really sure why Loretta is talking about their second anniversary which probably occurred sometime around the pre-industrial era. The ultimate goal appears to have been a "Leroy is cheap" punchline, but it's just poorly executed. In addition, Leroy's not actually there to be insulted so it goes down as a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 64
Loretta - 73
Push - 66

July 22, 2009

Loretta shoots down Leroy's bold suit selection with a viciously biting remark that would have made Mr. Blackwell blush. I would have thought Leroy knew better than to let Loretta see himself in such a hideous, laughable, suit. For the Lockhorns, the key to getting an upper hand in this toxic relationship is to minimize one's liabilities and to capitalize on the liabilities of the other spouse. Leroy certainly wasn't going to win the day dressed like some sort of carny pimp. He better stick to his usual conservative slack and short sleeved shirt ensemble if he wants to avoid future criticism. Loretta scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 64
Loretta - 74
Push - 65

July 21, 2009

Sometimes Leroy or Loretta find themselves using well worn idioms that really don't apply to them just for the sake of incorporating it into their punchlines. Such is the case here. Leroy would never be described as a "man who has everything". In fact, he's probably the polar opposite of the man who has everything. His bank account and his life are as hopelessly barren and hollow as they get. Here, Leroy throws out this completely unrelated phrase just so he can complain about Loretta's mounting shopping debt. Although, to be fair, I guess the phrase "what do you give the man who has crippling depression and a horrible wife who keeps him buried under a mountain of debt?" sort of lacks a certain ring to it. If Loretta's shopping that means Leroy is racking up a point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 64
Loretta - 72
Push - 65

July 20, 2009

Here Loretta pulls off a rather tricky and complex maneuver. On the surface she is apparently shooting herself down by making unflattering comments about her growing mustache and increasing baldness. However, in actually it is a clever bit of acting with the real goal being, of course, dissing Leroy by indirectly pointing out his flawed features. While the clever rouse is commendable, Loretta really could have replaced "moustache" with one of Leroy many other more unflattering physical features like his weight to his perpetual slouch of defeat. I have yet to see a single scene where Leroy has come anywhere close to showing facial hair. Still a well deserved point for Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 63
Loretta - 73
Push - 65

July 19, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• With the summer beach season in full swing the Lockhorns are enjoying a lovely day at the shore partaking in some of their favorite activities. For Leroy, it's sexually harassing busty bimbos in his speedo while for Loretta it's doing everything in her power to ruin Leroy's fun. While Leroy trades toothy grins with a blond bombshell, Loretta makes subtle overtures to the lifeguard that unless he starts cock blocking Leroy, she will murder him. There's nothing like the beach in summer. Loretta gets the point.
• These tough economic times have really taken their toll on Leroy. Normally his uncontrollable alcoholism manifests itself at social cocktail parties and during extended periods of time at home with Loretta. His economic troubles have driven him to enter liquor stores in the middle of the day to wet his whistle. No doubt Leroy will be red faced and finished with his paper bag covered "stimulus package" by the time they make it home. Since, Leroy knows his excessive drinking habits disgust and embarrass Loretta, Leroy earns the point.
• Leroy may not be a religious man but he does display an astonishing degree of faith and loyalty to his personal bible of marriage hating. He never misses an opportunity to denounce the institution of marriage everywhere he goes and in every manner imaginable. Today, he's shunning the informative lecture and is just going to carry a sign around like a crazy person. This sort of negative behavior obviously annoys Loretta so I'm going to have to award the point to Leroy as well.
• The usual running joke about Loretta's never ending attempts at poisoning Leroy's food is so beyond obvious here that I'm not going to even bother making it. I just feel bad for the poor young man that the Lockhorns somehow managed to trick into coming to dinner. He's having a hard enough time trying his best to choke down the green slurry that Loretta prepared, but now he has to worry about collateral poisoning as well. Leroy banks his usual dinner time point and takes control 3-1.
• It's hurtful enough when Loretta questions Leroy's manhood by mocking his inability to provide for his household, but when she does it in front of their friends and neighbors, it becomes down right devastating. Obviously the last thing Leroy wants is to look foolish in the eyes of his unhappy looking friends. Fortunately, they seem to be so preoccupied with the thought of leaving that they are hardly listening to Loretta's pointed remarks. Nevertheless, her comments still hurt Leroy, which is always the ideal scenario. The point goes to Loretta, but Leroy wins the day 3-2.

Official Count:

Leroy - 63
Loretta - 71
Push - 65

July 18, 2009

Today Loretta emphatically shows that she is a monumental failure as a domestic at both indoor and outdoor activities. Also, someone needs to tell the Lockhorns that World War II ended a while back and we currently don't need to grow our own produce to aid in the war effort. Of course there is the possibility that Loretta has planted this "Victory Garden" as a symbolic message of solidarity with and support of all the brave servicemen and women currently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Then there is the final possibility that the Lockhorns are so poor that they have to grow their own produce. The one thing we know for sure is that Loretta will completely screw up and destroy everything she touches. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 62
Loretta - 71
Push - 65

July 17, 2009

Loretta's usual routine of belittling Leroy about his meager earnings and then immediately taking whatever he earned for the day and speeding off to the mall gets a little stale after so many decades. So, it seems that this time around she's taken to using referring to the pay in question using different creative names, this time opting for the Biblical reference. Leroy should really check with his payroll department to see if his job provides direct deposit of his paychecks and perhaps tell them to stop paying him daily like some sort of migrant worker. Loretta gets the money and the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 61
Loretta - 72
Push - 65

July 16, 2009

This is hardly a witty analogy here, Loretta. It's pretty common for people to describe themselves as winning or losing while playing the stock market. There's really no novel comparison here at all. It's just slightly more creative than just straight up saying "Leroy is poor at investing in the stock market". One can only try to imagine the extra, eye rolling degree of weariness that Loretta's friend/personal joke sounding board feels that this even more awful than usual attempt at a pun. As uncreative as it is, the line is still a put down so Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 61
Loretta - 71
Push - 65

July 15, 2009

Sure, Leroy can be ostensibly called the "winner" when he makes a cutting remark about Loretta's dangerously poor driving abilities. However, no one really is a winner when she's on the road. It's certainly not Leroy who has to pay the exorbitant repair fees, nor the drivers in the other cars that she collides into, nor all the poor pedestrians she maims or kills. The only real winner may be the lucky body shop that receives such a steady stream of broken headlights, dislocated axles, and blood stained dented bumpers to rack up repair fees for. Nevertheless, since we have to award a point to someone, it might as well be Leroy for his insulting.

Official Count:

Leroy - 61
Loretta - 70
Push - 65

July 14, 2009

Loretta unleashes a particularly vicious piece of fashion criticism on poor Leroy, demonstrating that the Devil actually wears size 20 custom orthopedics. Leroy, against the better judgment gained from decades of mean spirited put downs, foolishly gets his hopes up and puts his pride on the line while displaying his hideous new blazer. Did he suddenly expect after all these years of relentless insults that Loretta's attitude would suddenly be changed by some zigzag pimp coat? Poor deluded Leroy. Perhaps he may save it for Halloween when he can go as "severely depressed man in ugly jacket". Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 60
Loretta - 70
Push - 65

July 13, 2009

Leroy is so eager to mock Loretta's cooking that he can't even wait for Loretta to prepare and serve the meal to unload his insults. Under the laughable guise of lending a helping hand in the kitchen, Leroy takes the opportunity to take Loretta to task on her decidedly un-fresh meatloaf. Ironically enough, Loretta's meatloaf actually looks sort of like meatloaf (at least the color is right), unlike her usual meals of ambiguous gray matter. Nevertheless, Leroy cooks himself up a point to start the week.

Official Count:

Leroy - 60
Loretta - 69
Push - 65

July 12, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta starts things off in fine form by taking aim once again at Leroy's issues with social drinking. You would immediately assume she would go with the obvious "Leroy's a drunk" insult, but she decides to shake things up by going with the "Leroy's an idiot" jab. Either route is perfectly appropriate during those parties where Leroy has too much to drink and humiliates himself...which is really every party. Loretta scores the point.
• I'm guessing this is some sort of dig at Leroy's lack of fashion sense? I know it's an insult but I really can't see the direct point here. The Lockhorns only wear about a handful of different outfits anyway. I'm really more distracted by the unhealthy amount of intimacy in the scene with Leroy and Loretta both in their undergarments. Despite the disturbing picutre and joke ambiguity, I'm still giving Loretta the point.
• It seems that Leroy's Bible quoting friend's advice about the importance of honesty proved to be quite ineffective against Loretta. One wonders what sort of shenanigans Leroy and his friend were up to that would raise Loretta's ire like that. Ogling giant bimbos? Drinking to excess? 18 rounds of marriage bashing at the golf course? Loretta's strong rejection would seem to indicate that, whatever it was, it must have had the potential of giving Leroy actual joy. Both Lockhorns appear unhappy but I think Loretta gets the edge here since she's extinguishing Leroy's fun. Three points for Loretta; this is turning into a blowout.
  
• Leroy's frustrated insults are not bound by gender nor species as he directs his vitriol at some random bird of prey. Meanwhile, you can tell by the cold, calculating look in Loretta's eyes that she had been contemplating how to make a Leroy's murder appear to be an accidental drowning since the start of the fising trip. It's a push.
• It looks like the newest victim in the Lockhorns' revolving carousel of biting social critiques are the ubiquitous pharmaceutical advertisements on TV. Leroy doesn't seem to find Loretta's cleverly worded request to reject the commerical and change the channel to be all that witty, but he still wearily complies. Take that billion dollar pharmaceutical advertising industry! With that push, Loretta ends the day with an emphatic 3-0 shutout victory; ending Leroy's three day winning streak and demonstrating her continued dominance of Sundays.

Official Count:

Leroy - 59
Loretta - 69
Push - 65

July 11, 2009

Leroy is flying his misogynist flag high while talking to his odd new friend (who sort of looks like Bunsen Honeydew with a Hitler mustache) at the latest formal cocktail party. You really can't objectify women more than by comparing them to some sort of high end consumer appliance. I get that shopaholic Loretta is high maintenance, but I'm not quite sure how the warranty comparison works. Does he expect someone to pay for her or something? I think "return policy" would have worked better here. It's still an insult, just not as good as it could be. With that, Leroy reels off his third straight point, making it an official winning streak. Can he go for four at the Sunday Showdown?

Official Count:

Leroy - 59
Loretta - 68
Push - 65

July 10, 2009

Without saying a single word and with just a subtle look of concentrated disgust to the side, Leroy displays an exemplary example of efficient insulting. Loretta does all the work here, admitting that the meal she cooked was so terrible that even she couldn't identify what it was, all Leroy does is emphatically drive his agreement home. Props to Leroy for turning what would have been just another dinner time dig at Loretta's unidentifiable mess of a meal into a truly special effort. Unfortunately, his reward is that he now has to attempt to eat his meal. At least he gets another point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 58
Loretta - 68
Push - 65

July 9, 2009

Loretta appears to have taken the position that if Leroy could horrify and disgust the beach going public with his obscenely immodest swimwear, then she was well within her rights to swap her usual conservative beach frock for equally inappropriate skimpy attire as well. Leroy, forced to endure another humiliating day toting around Loretta's bag as she spends him into the poorhouse, is more than happy to throw in his critical remarks on the matter. His comments to his fellow henpecked husband paint a truly disturbing picture of excess cellulite and taxed fabric, taken straight from the pages of "Norbit". Let's give Leroy the point and pray she changes her mind.

Official Count:

Leroy - 57
Loretta - 68
Push - 65

July 8, 2009

Actually, as I've learned from my Trusts and Estate class last semester, the two requirements for a maker of a will under Section 3-1.1 of the New York Estates, Powers, and Trusts Law are for the individual to be over 18 years of age and to be of sound mind and memory. While it seems that Loretta is just using the language of the New York Estates Laws as a quick opportunity to once again belittle Leroy, she is also likely contemplating how to challenge the testamentary capacity of Leroy after he dies and leaves her nothing in his will. While we established at a prior trip to the lawyer's that despite everything she is still entitled to half; but if she can get his will revoked then she may be able to inherit everything (since they have no children) under intestacy. Pretty sneaky, Loretta. You get the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 56
Loretta - 68
Push - 65

July 7, 2009

In great contrast to Loretta's exemplary effort in applying an extra flavor of unexpected topicality to her joke yesterday, Leroy's dig at Loretta is just about the laziest zinger I have read all year. This is really just a step or two away from Leroy just straight up spelling it out and saying "my wife's uncontrollable shopping habit is bankrupting me". The comment loses a lot of its effectiveness since everyone knows Loretta always leaves the house with a credit card and Leroy never kisses his wife under any circumstances. All and all, a sloppy effort from a sloppy man; but a shopping joke is a shopping joke and a point is a point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 56
Loretta - 67
Push - 65

July 6, 2009

An extra round of applause should be given to Loretta who manages to not only make a nice cutting remark about Leroy's weight problem, but manages to use a reference that isn't at least a decade old. While it isn't exactly late night talk show monologue current, it's still an incredibly rare feat of moderate topicality. Adding another wrinkle of aptness here is, given the Lockhorns' long history of financial problems, that Loretta's phrase is synonymous similar economic ruin. With Leroy in such a compromising and vulnerable position on the scale, Loretta could have just gone with any standard fat joke, but that extra bit of effort is one of the reasons why she continues to lead the points tally by double digits. A well earned point, Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 55
Loretta - 67
Push - 65

July 5, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• For Leroy, there's no better dessert after a big filling dinner of boiled garbage than a well placed criticism of Loretta's cooking. Today's insult is a slight change of pace; usually we find him launching the critiques at the start of the meal or even mid-meal. The remark loses a little bit of its power if you consider the fact that despite his protests, he seems to have completely cleared his plate. Nevertheless, it's still worth a point for Leroy.
• Always the master wordsmith, Loretta flips to the alternate definition of "scene" and then makes the appropriate pun about Leroy being a terrible choice of mate. I'm sure her friends never get tired of her constant, clever,word tricks. Speaking of friends, isn't Loretta's friend in this scene none other than her doctor's sadistic nurse? Or maybe she has other friends with similar vacant stares and soulless dots for eyes? Loretta get the point.
• Unfortunately for Leroy, one can't gain a point when the other spouse insults themselves. If he's looking to get back into this race, he really should have taken the time out hang around one of Loretta's sweaty workouts. It's a veritable goldmine of potential put downs and hurtful remarks. While Loretta's thighs may be falling in their win-loss column, such missed opportunities by Leroy is a good reason why she's currently leading in this blog's win-loss column. Push.
  
• Since we haven't seen any evidence from past scenes at the beach that Leroy does anything else but sit on the sands ogling ladies in his scandalous black banana hammock, one has to wonder what he was really doing with that book. My theory, based on how soaking wet it is, is that he just took in into the bathroom and is covering up for accidentally dropping it in the toilet. Looks like the public library is joining the ever growing list of places the Lockhorns are permanently banned from. It's deemed a push.
  
• Can you really blame Leroy for all his cocktail party peeping when his head is directly in line with the grotesquely disproportioned breasts of all the towering bimbos in attendance? It's unavoidable. Loretta's comments perhaps indicates that she is willing to tolerate Leroy's wandering eye, in the hopes that all this arousal leads to some lust induced fatal heart attack. Loretta breaks the tie and claims the day 2-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 55
Loretta - 66
Push - 65

July 4, 2009

It looks like Leroy is getting into the July 4th spirit of Independence by declaring his independence from any sense of personal modesty. I fear as we go deeper into the prime summer beach season, there will be be more and more of these disturbing beach displays. Our only hope is that Loretta's steady stream of insults will eventually guilt him into wearing something a bit more appropriate for his physique like a full tuxedo. He should take a page out of Loretta's ultraconservative beach ensemble. No let's quickly give Loretta the point and try our best to forget this horrific scene.

Official Count:

Leroy - 55
Loretta - 65
Push - 65

July 3, 2009

Leroy, as with all classic household breadwinners of the 50s and 60s, attempted to get ahead at the office by charming his boss with a fine home cooked dinner. Of course instead of humorous classic sitcom hi jinks the only snafu that would have occurred would have been the death of Leroy's boss from severe food poisoning. Fortunately, Leroy's boss was smart enough to deduce from Leroy's deteriorated physical condition and his frequent trips to the emergency room, that any meal at the Lockhorns residence would be life threatening. While he was denied a chance to get some extra face time with the boss, Leroy still manages to salvage the evening by scoring a quality zinger off of Loretta and her piles of green sludge. Leroy earns the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 55
Loretta - 64
Push - 65

July 2, 2009

Oh Loretta, you find so many wonderfully different ways to say the Lockhorns are poor. How many melancholy nights have you and Leroy spent huddled around that gigantic old timey clerk's desk and traded creative euphemisms and puns about how both of you will lose the house and all your possessions to the creditors and eventually be buried in a potter's field? If only you could cut back on your outrageous shopping binges at the mall from daily to maybe every other day. Perhaps that's a bit too much of a sacrifice to ask for. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 54
Loretta - 64
Push - 65

July 1, 2009

It looks like Leroy is partaking in one of his favorite activities (right up there with binge drinking and dissing the opera), dispensing cynical observations about his marriage. While his comment about Loretta constantly pointing out of his faults is totally valid, to her defense, how deluded would Leroy have been to have not noticed that he is almost completely made of faults? Would he have never looked in the mirror or talked to any other human being for the rest of his life had he not been married? Also, somebody needs to point out the faults of Leroy's green shirted friend. What is up with that nose today? He looks like a Picasso. Leroy scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 54
Loretta - 64
Push - 64