September 30, 2009

Leroy diabolically turns the tables on Loretta's plans to spend another day dragging him around the mall. She was all dressed and ready to go store to store, humiliating Leroy by making him carrying her purse and shopping bags as she spent all his hard earned money and then some. However, thanks to the power of the Internet and 21st century e-commerce, Leroy can disappoint Loretta in the comfort of his own home and preemptively spend whatever money Loretta was intending to use for herself. Well played Leroy, you've definitely earned yourself a point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 84
Loretta - 104
Push - 85

September 29, 2009

It appears that ABC's hit serial drama "Lost" is a big hit in the Lockhorn house. This simple act of watching a contemporary show like "Lost" on TV is probably the most modern and up to date activity that the Lockhorns have engaged in. Leroy is apparently one of the considerable number of TV watchers out there who don't care for the show's trademark dense, complex, often convoluted, story arch; a fact that Loretta uses as her indictment of his ignorance. To Leroy's defense, "Gilligan's Island" had a lot of complicated underlying themes about contemporary social politics and human nature....or not. Loretta finds herself with a point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 83
Loretta - 104
Push - 85

September 28, 2009

Doing his best Larry David impersonation, Leroy finds himself appalled and exasperated at Loretta's double standard for communicating in their marriage. Is Leroy suffering from early onset dementia or a massive head injury or something? Has he forgotten who he has been married to for the past century or so? When has Loretta ever willingly allowed him to respond in a conversation? I smell another grievance for Leroy to explain in vain at the marriage counselor's office. Loretta wins the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 83
Loretta - 103
Push - 85

September 27, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Ever the tireless patron of the arts, Loretta and her corpulent friend pick up their tickets for the recent opening night production of "Tosca" at the Metropolitan Opera. Loretta tells a decent anecdote about how Leroy hates being dragged to the opera, but most of my focus is on her new friend. Somehow Loretta has managed to find someone that is more unappealing than herself in every possible physical aspect. She has got to be the most unattractive woman (assuming she's even a woman) I have ever seen in a Lockhorns panel (and that's saying a lot). It's a push.
• Leroy once again shows us that his singular burning hatred of the institution of marriage guides his entire political ideology. For Leroy, fair and balanced journalism involves an equal amount of information about divorces and weddings. I'm sure the editor of the local paper will get yet another strongly worded letter from Leroy condemning him for his alleged bias towards the pro-marriage agenda. Leroy gets the point.
• Loretta retains her comfortable lead in the yearlong tally by always remaining aware and focused when it comes to insult opportunities. To maintain her quick wit and sharp tongue she engages in activities like intense meditation in an effort to be constantly prepared to outwit Leroy at every turn. Smartly, Leroy has decided to use these meditation sessions to hit Loretta at a vulnerable state and to possibly disrupt her mental preparations. He'll have to come up with few more clever moves like this if he wants to get back in the race. For now though, Leroy goes up 2 to 0.
• Leroy performs double duty by both criticizing Loretta's terrible cooking and saving the dinner guests from certain food poisoning. He could have waited until everyone was seated and eating to break out his latest caustic culinary comment, but he saved everyone a long sleepless night of agonizing abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting by getting the word out first. Sometimes a well placed insult can provide more than just some laughs, it can potentially save lives. Leroy rolls to 3-0.
• The obvious reading of Loretta's joke is that while Leroy may be dancing and flirting it up with the monstrous bimbo now, he'll no doubt be pathetically passed out on the floor in a puddle of his own sick. However, for some of the more dirty minded readers out there, someone being "called on the carpet" may have a slightly more lurid connotation. All I'm saying is the height differential actually creates an ideal match up. I'm just going to leave it at that since any more thought of it would require me suffocate myself in the hopes of causing enough brain damage to forget my disturbing thoughts. Loretta salvages a point, but Leroy rolls with a 3-1 win.
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 83
Loretta - 102
Push - 85

September 26, 2009

What a terrible situation it is to be anyone seated next to the Lockhorns at the movies. The poor bald man to Leroy's right just wants to enjoy his Lon Chaney Jr. retrospective in peace, but he is constantly interrupted throughout by the Lockhorns' back and forth sniping and moments like these where one of them turns to him as the de facto audience for their latest angry punchline. With that being said, Leroy really delivers a quality zinger here at Loretta and her mother's expense. The context of the horror movie really gives it an extra bit of meanness. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 82
Loretta - 102
Push - 85

September 25, 2009

With the recent resignation of President Obama's beleaguered Green Czar, Van Jones, Loretta's sarcastic comment could technically become a reality. However, if Leroy were to be considered for a Presidential consultant position, his controversial views on marriage (both gay and straight) would torpedo his candidacy (along with his lack of experience, general indifference to the environment, gross incompetence, distractingly hideous features, etc.). I think she could have also thrown in an extra jab at the government by making it about how both the government and Leroy are lazy andineffective, but I really can't argue with her quality finished product. Loretta scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 81
Loretta - 102
Push - 85

September 24, 2009

For Leroy's demanding alcohol needs, he turns to a well established local retailer like Post Wine & Spirits off of Jericho Turnpike in Syosset. As terrible as the Lockhorns are, at least they do their best to support local businesses. At the liquor store, Leroy manages to both disgust Loretta with his blatant alcoholism and insult her with a reference to her never ending weight struggles. While alcohol is fat-free, most alcoholic beverages are fairly high in actual calories; so there's also the possibility that on top of everything Leroy is trying to deceive Loretta into thinking alcoholic beverages are diet friendly. A toast to Leroy, who gets today's point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 81
Loretta - 101
Push - 85