August 7, 2009

When the Lockhorns start displaying behavior that resembles human affection and love for one another is when I get the most suspicious. Crude jokes, cruel taunts, and physical abuse are easy to understand. These complex long cons with their mixed messages just create more questions for me. Why are they out on a romantic dinner? Why isn't Loretta torturing Leroy with her food? Did Loretta actually say she loved Leroy? Whatever she's got planned it's going to be big. My only theory here is that Loretta has paid the waiter off beforehand to put something in Leroy meal and she conveniently turned off her phone so as to delay her calls for medical attention later on. I'm going to cautiously give Loretta the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 67
Loretta - 81
Push - 71

August 6, 2009

Once again the air in the Lockhorns' home is thick with the suffocating smoke of another ruined meal courtesy of Loretta. Leroy's disgusted friend may never know how fortunate he was. Instead of a night of trying to ingest an inedible full course dinner and suffering the life long related health effects, the Lockhorns may have to order out tonight. However, there is no guarantee that he may die from smoke inhalation. As with all of Loretta's culinary disasters, Leroy score the point in the end.

Official Count:

Leroy - 67
Loretta - 80
Push - 71

August 5, 2009

There are few sights in the physical world that are more terrifying than this imagine of Loretta at her local Curves gym. While there's the uncomfortably tight outfit and the disgusting sweatiness; the most disturbing element of the shot are her freakishly narrow ankles. It's like she is some kind of grotesque, human-sized, marionette. It's obvious that Loretta's membership in the gym is motivated not by the prospect of physical fitness but by the fact that it provides her with a captive audience to annoy with her self deprecating puns. Judging by all the sweat, it appears that she's been torturing these poor gym members for hours. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 66
Loretta - 80
Push - 71

August 4, 2009

Once again Leroy's HMO provides him with a total lack of useful health care while finding new and sadistic ways of taunting and mocking him. Leroy is too weak from all the chronic pain, digestive troubles from Loretta's "cooking", and suffocating personal depression to even protest or get angry at Dr. Blog. He's starting to realize that the less actual medical treatment he gets, the more likely that one of his many preexisting medical conditions will get worse enough to release him from his miserable existence. A painful push indeed.

Official Count:

Leroy - 66
Loretta - 80
Push - 70

August 3, 2009

It's overwhelmingly sad when you realize that there isn't an ounce of hyperbole in Loretta's statement. It really did take Leroy two years to "put together" his computer, i.e. plug the keyboard and mouse into what appears to be an all in one iMac. The generally user friendly nature of Apple computers don't help when you're perpetually stuck in a time period where vacuum tubes were considered cutting edge technology. It also doesn't help when you're illiterate. A point for Loretta for repeating the Leroy the embarrassing depths of his ineptitude.

Official Count:

Leroy - 66
Loretta - 80
Push - 69

August 2, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Even on these rare occasions when Loretta leaves the house to shop for food rather than clothing and shoes, she still manages to distress Leroy with her spending by mentioning her purchase of an expensive Tiffany bag for the mere task of carrying groceries. What's even more distressing is that she actually uses her designer bags like disposable shopping bags, thus plunging the household into further debt. Well played Loretta.
• As it turns out the Lockhorns and their uncanny ability to make everything they touch worthless and terrible may be the major reason for all the economic turmoil of the previous year and our nation's current recession. It's clear that government bailouts and increased securities regulation are a complete waste of time and money when the key to our nation's economic recovery is merely preventing the Lockhorns from having any contact with the financial markets. Push.
• It looks like the Blind Melon bumblebee look is once again back in style. It's bad enough for Loretta to be caught wearing the same dress as another at the party and thus guilty of a serious fashion faux pas; but Leroy manages to really turn the knife by coldly insulting her rotund figure and ogling the similarly dressed bimbo. The only thing that could possibly make Loretta feel even more embarrassed and upset would be if a bucket of pigs blood was suddenly dumped on her Carrie style. A fantastic point for Leroy.
• Loretta's mocking concern for the safety of her new lamp stand after Leroy has suffered massive internal injuries from a horrific fall from the top of the stairs is pretty damn mean, but when you consider the high likelihood that Loretta was responsible for Leroy's "accidental" fall down the stairs, her callousness seems downright evil and sadistic. Although I have yet to see it, this is probably the closest one of the Lockhorns have come to crossing that line from cartoonish antagonism to unsettling cruelty. Loretta emphatically goes up 2 to 1.
• One can scarcely begin to fathom the untold carnage and havoc Loretta has caused while on the road. Each dented bumper, busted headlamp, twisted antenna, shattered window, blood stained tire can tell their own gruesome tale. So many mailboxes busted, animals run over, bikers lost. This isn't a car...it's a murder weapon. Leroy gets the point and manages to salvage an overall push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 66
Loretta - 79
Push - 69

August 1, 2009

Just as Leroy starts to experience the foreign sensation of personal pride while showing off his various degrees, Loretta deftly sweeps in and belittles him in front of everybody. Loretta's crack is sort of a double whammy. There's the obvious implication that Leroy was a terrible student in school who failed to succeed in any subject, but then by adding that his only skill was avoiding gym class, she's also throwing in a subtle fat joke. A double sized dose of an insult in front of company for maximum damage; this is why Loretta is currently the leader. Another point for Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 66
Loretta - 79
Push - 68