January 14, 2010

Ever the unrepentant carnivore, even when given the choice between eliminating one type of meat from his diet or continued ill health and an untimely death, Leroy refuses to make any such concessions and chides the doctor with a lousy pun. Dr. Blog's thousand yard stare shows quite clearly that he really couldn't care less what Leroy ends up doing. Of course, the most beneficial diet for Leroy would be one that eliminates any meals by Loretta all together. Actually, shouldn't she be in her usual position alongside Leroy, ready to ridicule at a moment's notice? It looks like a real missed opportunity to me. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 3

Push - 8

January 13, 2010

Loretta continues to cruelly ridicule Leroy's illiteracy by mockingly pretending that Leroy has actually read 27 pages of a novel. She must have caught him on one of his many tortured nights by the living room bookcase, struggling in vain to sound out and comprehend the words that give him so much daily grief; frustration and rage continuing to mount as he compulsively shovels potato chips into his mouth to help numb the despair. For Loretta, that sort of heartbreaking episode is just pure gold. If she looks closely, she should also notice that subtly mixed in among the crumbs and grease spots are equally bitter tear stains. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 3

Push - 7

January 12, 2010

Just another vanilla push involving the Lockhorns getting shabby treatment at their local branch...or biting commentary on the dangers of modern society's ever growing reliance on technology? Perhaps the ardently neo-luddite Lockhorns would be better served by a bank that is not so completely dependant on their computers that they refuse to even question their fallibility. They should look for some new institution where all the tellers wear the old timey arm bands with visors and the most advanced machine they have is an abacus. Okay, maybe I'm being a little ridiculous here; we all know that the Lockhorns obviously don't have any money to move to a new bank. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 2

Push - 7

January 11, 2010

No doubt invigorated and enthused by the upset victory by his local New York Jets over the Cincinnati Bengals in the playoffs over the weekend, Leroy decides to chase that good feeling and gives a stirring rebuke against Loretta's usual game time nagging. If it was up to Leroy, he would opt for Loretta to give him the silent treatment and the cold shoulder for the rest of their married lives; of course he knows he'll never get off that easily. For now though Leroy is content to continue his Sunday success into the week and hopefully, in the long run, over the year. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 3

Loretta - 2
Push - 6

January 10, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Leroy puts on quite a surreal display at the local fine dining establishment to the incensed embarrassment of Loretta and the odd lack of response from the rest of the patrons. The prospect of actual, edible, non-tainted food is such a rare treat for Leroy that he has to spitefully commemorate every one of his real meals like a great victory, much to the chagrin of Loretta. Since I can't imagine any of the other diners to humor Leroy's ridiculous behavior, I'm pretty sure that he hired the photographer ahead of time to act as his accomplice. Mission accomplished; Leroy gets the first point.
• Loretta goes back to the basics with a classic rank out about Leroy's slothful slobiness. Loretta's wonderfully elegant one liner has amazing versatility in that it can be read to attack Leroy's laziness, weight, and dishonesty all in one fell swoop. With this exemplary effort, Loretta proves once again that when it comes to wordplay and verbal dexterity, she is the undisputed grand master. Loretta ties it up 1-1.
• The gift counselor's freakish, incongruously detailed, appearance may suggest that she may somehow be related the Lockhorns' equally disturbing acquaintances, Stan and Pauline. Monstrous facades aside, between the yearly gifts of vacuums, ironing boards, and tin foil, when has Leroy ever given Loretta anything but practical gifts for their anniversaries? If those previous gifts are his idea of fanciful, impractical gifts, one can only imagine what would fall under his view of more practical gifts (weather striping? rock salt? dishrags?). It's a push.
• When it comes to annoying Loretta and avoiding the culturally beneficial horrors of the opera, the normally old fashioned Leroy is more than willing to embrace the latest gadgets. I wonder what Leroy is so happily listening to on his iPod in lieu of the opera. I figure it's a varied playlist of old time swing music, white noise, and Paul Harvey commentaries. Another night at the opera ruined and another point for Leroy.
• In this scene, the Lockhorns seemed to have shifted from being bewilderingly dysfunctional to bewilderingly macabre. I guess we're supposed to be amused by Leroy's completely inappropriate pride over beating the hearse to the burial? At first glance, it looked like the Lockhorns were the ones who drove the hearse in, which raises all sorts of disturbing Lockhorn homicide scenarios. Actually, doesn't it look like Loretta's totally ready to push Leroy into the open grave? Regardless, it's a push; which means Leroy takes his second consecutive Sunday showdown: 2-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 2

Loretta - 2
Push - 6

January 9, 2010

Nine days into the new year and Leroy has yet to abandon his futile yearly resolution to start getting into shape. This may very well be a personal best. Loretta has, unfortunately thus far, failed to capitalize on this golden opportunity to mercilessly mock Leroy as he fails miserably at the gym. It really should be Loretta, not Leroy, delivering the above unflattering statement about his excess baggage. Meanwhile the seriously disinterested gym employee, who has long since zoned out Leroy voice, continues to wonder if it isn't too late for him to go back and finish college. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 2
Push - 6

January 8, 2010

It took her a little longer to get going but Loretta is already starting to develop momentum as she follows up yesterday's victory with today's belittling of Leroy's paycheck. Today's scene is just classic Loretta in perfect form. The look of utter contempt on her face, the simmering impotent rage on Leroy's; it's all like clockwork. Even Loretta's position closer to the viewer contributes to her overall victory by making her even seem larger than Leroy. It also doesn't help Leroy that he's carrying an emasculating, clownishly tiny, briefcase that looks more like a woman's purse. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 1

Loretta - 2
Push - 5