July 31, 2011: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• I don't want to even begin to imagine the kind of content that could possibly be on the computer screen to give Leroy such a disturbing look of orgasmic pleasure. To the horror of everyone, the scene strongly indicates that Leroy, in a brazen act of spite, is openly ogling online lurid images (perhaps he found some sort of disproportionate bimbo fetish website) in front of Loretta. Not to be undone, Loretta makes a slicing crack about Leroy's impotence and lack of libido. Leroy is so enraptured that he doesn't even seem to care. Loretta gets the point anyway.
• Try as she might, Loretta can't seem to "accidentally" lose Leroy's loud lime green shirt in the dryer cycle; so she settles on the next best thing which is straight up mocking it. As far as Leroy's terrible shirts go, this one isn't as over the top and outrageous as some of his other fashion felonies. This is the reward Leroy gets for displaying a rare bit of helpfulness by seemingly aiding Loretta with the laundry, thus proving once again that in the world of the Lockhorns good deeds and moments of benevolence are swiftly and immediately punished. Loretta goes up 2-0.
• Having complained countless times about the high prices and deplorable service of the upscale restaurants he is occasionally dragged to by Loretta, Leroy decides to turn his never ending stream of irritated comments this time at the current restaurant's dim lighting. Maybe if he gets around to getting a better lit view of the menu he could then complain about the prices. Really, he should just be thankful that he'll at least be getting a meal that won't make him violently ill. It's a push as Loretta remains ahead 2-0.
• It seems the TSA's inexplicable obsession with giving Leroy humiliatingly intrusive and excessively time consuming security checks have reached a new level of absurdity with the posting of a security checkpoint at Leroy's bus stop. Perhaps it's his perpetually surely demeanor and suspicious, uncooperative stance against authorities that keeps setting off red flags or possibly the fact that Leroy's massive shoes could carry enough explosives to level a major city. It's another push. With a 2-o lead Loretta clinches the day.
• It's clear that without Loretta, Leroy would experience the alien feeling of joy for the first time since he got married. Additionally, he would probably spend all his free time and (suddenly unspent) extra money partying with a continuous ever changing nightly string of freakish Amazons. He would also be able to enjoy eating non-toxic meals. Life would be pretty sweet for old Leroy. Unfortunately, in reality, he is still forever married to Loretta and she will still criticize his behavior (in a caption box no less!) at parties and he'll have the suffer the woeful indignity of being shut out in today's showdown; 3-0.

Official Count:

Leroy - 81
Loretta - 81

Push - 50

July 30, 2011

Tuck Rule

Official Count:

Leroy - 81
Loretta - 80

Push - 50

July 29, 2011

Crappy Diem

Official Count:

Leroy - 81
Loretta - 79

Push - 50

July 28, 2011

Rage Against The Machine

Official Count:

Leroy - 81
Loretta - 79

Push - 49

July 27, 2011

Trendsetter

Official Count:

Leroy - 81
Loretta - 78

Push - 49

July 26, 2011

Stand By Your Man

Official Count:

Leroy - 80
Loretta - 78

Push - 49

July 25, 2011

Comic Book Villain

Official Count:

Leroy - 80
Loretta - 77

Push - 49

July 24, 2011: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta displays both her tech savviness and lack of amusement over whatever Leroy is displaying on the old home computer. Judging by the completely opposite nature of the reactions by both Lockhorns, I'm going to assume whatever website/image/video/etc that Leroy is so thoroughly enjoying must be at the expense of Loretta. Perhaps he's logged onto "Lockhorn Vs. Lockhorn" and is gloating over how he has retaken the points lead for the year. He has been heating up as of late. Leroy gets the first point.
• The Lockhorns look to cool off from the current heatwave at their local beach (which continues to maintain a strict black bathing suit only policy). As is often the case when the Lockhorns are in crowded public places, they start to digress into bitter reactionary complaints about the changes in modern society. No one with a mobile device is spared from Leroy's crankiness, not even the lady in the back with the 1980s cellphone. It's a push, Leroy still leads 1-0.
• As it turns out, the party that Leroy thought he was invited to was actually a secret meeting for the ancient mystic society of No Leroys (I must say their No Leroys sign is pretty well done). We can only speculate as to who their one permitted Leroy could be. I'm going to go with former gold medal winning U.S. sprinter Leroy Burrell. Leroy probably isn't all that disappointed by the rejection, it just means more mysterious mummified wine for him. No doubt Loretta will be eager to apply for a full membership. It's another push and Leroy remains ahead 1-0.
• I'm not sure what criticism Leroy is trying to levy on Loretta's cooking with his suggestion of "gesundheit" for the blessing. Is there so much pepper in the meal that it's liable to cause a sneezing fit? Does it look like something somebody sneezed out? Maybe since "gesundheit" means "to your health", it's meant to be a short prayer to survive the meal? Perhaps the food is alive and it just sneezed? It really could be any of those scenarios and more, but the point still comes across. Leroy locks up the showdown by going up 2-0. Can Loretta avoid the shutout?
• Loretta does in fact manage to save a measure of pride for herself and avoid a rare shutout loss by salvaging the final panel. She goes after some relatively low hanging fruit by mocking Leroy's rampant alcoholism, but you get your points where you can find them. Leroy seems to be in such singular bliss, loading his car with as much alcohol as it can carry, that he doesn't even appear affected by Loretta's comments about his drinking issues. As for the store employee, he can only stare in dumbfounded shock at Leroy's grotesque display. Loretta gets the point, but Leroy takes the day 2-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 79
Loretta - 77

Push - 49

July 23, 2011

Sew It Up

Official Count:

Leroy - 78
Loretta - 77

Push - 49

July 22, 2011

Vintage Fit

Official Count:

Leroy - 77
Loretta - 77

Push - 49

July 21, 2011

Cuckoo

Official Count:

Leroy - 76
Loretta - 77

Push - 49

July 20, 2011

The Good Wife

*Author's Note: A rare TV plug. It does make sense though, an older couple like the Lockhorns would be CBS's main demographic.

Official Count:

Leroy - 76
Loretta - 77

Push - 48

July 19, 2011

Pumped for Cash

Official Count:

Leroy - 75
Loretta - 77

Push - 48

July 18, 2011

Wicked

Official Count:

Leroy - 75
Loretta - 77

Push - 47

July 17, 2011: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• One can't argue with that sort of logic. Leroy somehow manages to still find fault with Loretta even in a rare situation where she doesn't do anything malicious (in fact washing and properly putting his clothes away is downright benevolent); it's quite an impressive feat on his part. Additionally, it's equally remarkable how he took a major personal weakness (his constant state of disorder and sloppiness) and used it as a complaint against Loretta. This is some next level stuff. Leroy gets the point.
• I really don't think Leroy deserves the "Raggedy Andy" comment here. He is actually quite well dressed and looking relatively dapper in this scene. If he were wearing one of his ridiculous blazers or some pair of loud orange pants, then Loretta's crack would have been well warranted. There are so many other superficial aspects of Leroy she could have attacked: his weight, his baldness, his homeliness, etc.; not sure why she needed to make such a stretch for a joke here. I still have to begrudgingly give her a point though. The day is tied 1-1.
• I believe the rest of Loretta's comment is "...while I continue to bury him alive". Loretta takes some extreme preemptive measures to prevent Leroy's excessive ogling, while Leroy makes the classic mistake of falling asleep before Loretta. I don't even think Leroy would have even gone for the bespectacled blonde, her measurements are too close to realistic human proportions and that book? Total nerd! Although the blonde clearly doesn't seem concerned with Leroy's deadly predicament, maybe one of his other beach bimbo loves will be able to catch on and rescue him in time. Loretta goes up 2-1.
• We find the Lockhorns engaging in one of their favorite summer pastimes: spending long lazy summer Sundays in the backyard lounging with friends and mercilessly denouncing the institution of marriage. Apparently the long, shocking stream of expletives and disturbing vitriol Leroy has to describe his opinions on marriage are so upsetting and outrageous that even someone with as loose a personal filter as Leroy can't bring himself to mention it in company. He'd be better off telling them an extended Aristocrats joke. Still he gets his point across, that his marriage to Loretta is his greatest regret, and ties things up at 2-2.
• Leroy either laced Loretta's perfume with some sort of dog food flavoring or a strong dog pheromone, either way it's a pretty brilliant prank on his part (and an uncharacteristically gullible move on the part of Loretta for wearing it). It's a shame Leroy isn't actually here to witness the results of his handiwork, he could have dropped a line about how Loretta is a real "bitch" or something. It's a stand out panel, but I'm afraid I have to rule it a push, which in turn ends this Sunday Showdown in a 2-2 push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 74
Loretta - 77

Push - 47

July 16, 2011

Eating Carpet

Official Count:

Leroy - 74
Loretta - 77

Push - 46

July 15, 2011

Streaming, Flaxen, Waxen

Official Count:

Leroy - 73
Loretta - 77

Push - 46

July 14, 2011

High Crimes

Official Count:

Leroy - 73
Loretta - 76

Push - 46

July 13, 2011

Hunting Bucks

Official Count:

Leroy - 72
Loretta - 76

Push - 46

July 12, 2011

Lost Connection

Official Count:

Leroy - 72
Loretta - 76

Push - 45

July 11, 2011

Senior Moment

Official Count:

Leroy - 72
Loretta - 75

Push - 45

July 10, 2011: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• This is actually a relevant and accurate tech-related put down by Loretta, quite impressive. I'm also a little taken aback by the revelation that the Lockhorns actually have broadband internet in their home. According to Loretta though, at least Leroy still hasn't really gotten a handle on it quite yet. I can't help but notice how awkwardly the Lockhorns' home computer desk is placed in the room. Instead of being placed against a wall like most people, it appears to be facing the entrance, but then again standard interior decorating rules go out the window when you're living in an empty white void. Loretta gets the point.
• I don't want to know what sort of horrific injury Leroy suffered while trying to put on his old high school pants that would land him in the hospital wrapped in bandages up to his armpits. At worst, wouldn't all the damage be relegated below his waste? Was he trying to pull them over his head? Wouldn't the pants have just ripped long before he suffered any serious trauma? Leroy's tendency to suffer bizarre yet serious injuries is astounding to say the least. Good thing Loretta is always there, right by his side, to smugly mock him. Loretta goes up 2-0.
• I'm not sure if the dinner setting here is in the monochromatic void of the Lockhorns' home or some fancy Long Island restaurant. In either scenario, Leroy's insulting request works. If it's the home, it's a plea for Loretta to stop serving her awful meals for dinner. If it's at a restaurant, it's a plea to stop wasting money with all these frequent nights out. Leroy's comment could also be taken more literally in that he never wants to have dinner with Loretta ever again. Whatever way you decide to take it, Leroy still gets the point. It's 2-1 Loretta.
• Leroy shows off just how petty and spiteful he can by never missing an opportunity to childishly mock a local couple that did not invite the Lockhorns to their cocktail party two years ago as they walk by their house. Leroy doesn't seem to realize that had the couple invited him over, he would have just ended up getting kicked out and banned after getting blackout drunk and causing a ruckus anyway. I debated whether Loretta's mere recitation of why Leroy was razzing the couple was worthy of a point, but in the end it does give context that makes Leroy look more foolish in the eyes of the reader so she does earn one. Loretta locks up another Sunday by going up 3-1.
• Speaking of childish behavior Leroy pulls off the classic "intentionally misinterpreting orders in an effort to avoid working on a chore" approach to Loretta's request to "straighten up" in the living room. You can really see the depths of Leroy's laziness here when you look at the room and realize that all he really needed to do to "straighten up" was to pick up two pieces of paper and a can off the floor. Then again maybe Leroy is just refusing to do anything in an act of open rebellion against Loretta. Leroy earns to point to make it close but ultimately Loretta takes back Sunday with a 3-2 victory.

Official Count:

Leroy - 72
Loretta - 74

Push - 45

July 9, 2011

Photo Booth Stuffing

Official Count:

Leroy - 72
Loretta - 73

Push - 45

July 8, 2011

Golf Handicap

*Author's Note: Some serious plugging for Golf & Body in Huntington, NY. They even got the logo up and everything.

Official Count:

Leroy - 71
Loretta - 73

Push - 45

July 7, 2011

Checking out the Stacks

Official Count:

Leroy - 71
Loretta - 72

Push - 45

July 6, 2011

Locked Up Lockhorn

Official Count:

Leroy - 70
Loretta - 72

Push - 45

July 5, 2011

Bills, Bills, Bills

Official Count:

Leroy - 70
Loretta - 71

Push - 45

July 4, 2011

Hitting the High Notes

Official Count:

Leroy - 70
Loretta - 70

Push - 45

July 3, 2011: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• The ever lazy Leroy gets a lucky "break" from doing his share of the Sunday chores when the lawnmower refuses to start. I think it's obvious to anyone familiar with Leroy that the lawnmower probably didn't just happen to breakdown at this particularly convenient moment. If I were Loretta I would start checking around the house for any missing mower parts. For now though, all Loretta can do is toil away at the dishes with the galling knowledge that Leroy pulled a fast one on her. Leroy gets the point.
• The incongruous caption box makes another unwanted return to a Lockhorns panel. The placement of the box this time makes it seem like Loretta is resting her arm against it. It's almost as if Loretta had created, ahead of time, this huge cardboard sign with her response to Leroy and brought it out at the proper moment. Kudos to Leroy for literally putting his foot down on Loretta's reckless use of his credit card by hiding it in his socks. My sympathies to the poor sales clerk who has to scan that credit card. Leroy roars to a 2-0 lead.
• What I don't quite understand in this scene here is that Loretta is mocking Leroy for not being able to solve a Fisher Price children's puzzle but it appears he is doing a pen and paper puzzle in a newspaper. Her line would make more sense is he was actually trying to solve some physical puzzle or toy. Shouldn't she have made some crack about Leroy not being able to solve some simple Jr. Jumble section of the paper? Unless of course Fisher Price just came out with a "My First New York Times Crossword Section" toy. Slightly off target but it's still worth a point for Loretta; it's 2-1 Leroy.
• It's July and another horrifying Lockhorn beach season has begun. As awful the prospect is of two full months of sporadic panels of the Lockhorns at their skimpiest, we can take some solace in the fact that Leroy has apparently gone away from the Speedo look he dabbled in a couple of years ago. Leroy wastes no time in ogling the a particularly fetching bespectacled bombshell (I have to say her proportions almost looks human) and Loretta is right there to chastise him. Also it would appear that Loretta's friend did not get the memo that everyone has to wear black at the Lockhorns' beach. Loretta's furious comeback continues with the score now tied.
• Leroy avoids another Sunday Showdown loss and what would have been an epic series collapse by gutting it out in the final panel. Interestingly, if Loretta was relaying to her friend about her admiration of Leroy's "quiet strength" it would have been a point for her. Leroy diffuses that bomb by proactively complaining about it. It's a pretty tricky maneuver to pull off, without the right tone and delivery it could also come out as a point earning testimonial for the other party. Leroy sneaks out a rare Sunday victory 3-2.

Official Count:

Leroy - 69
Loretta - 70

Push - 45