November 7, 2009

Leroy's attempt to escape the unbearable agony of his life by kicking back and enjoying some quality time with the television is thwarted once again by Loretta. Like some sort of twisted nature guide, Loretta leads her friend into the room to observe Leroy in his natural habitat; all the while providing a steady informative narration of humiliating insults and observations. Try as he might, Loretta has thoroughly ruined Leroy's carefully laid homoerotic boxing watching plans. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 96
Loretta - 123
Push - 92

November 6, 2009

Another initially friendly visit by acquaintances, another bridge irreparably burned by Leroy. Leroy needs to funnel some more of that precious hate back at Loretta if he wants to make this race interesting. While his quest to make the Lockhorns the universally acknowledged pariahs of of Long Island (and perhaps even the greater tri-state area) is a noble one, it is quickly approaching crunch time and there are only so many more opportunities left for points. At this stage, additional pushes only serve to whittle down Loretta's magic number to clinch victory. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 96
Loretta - 122
Push - 92

November 5, 2009

Loretta is obviously being disingenuous here for the purposing of making an insulting remark about Leroy in front of the insurance salesman. In reality, she would require an extremely large insurance policy to maintain her current shopping addicted lifestyle. Despite the humiliation, Leroy should agree with Loretta and opt for a policy with as small a payout as possible. The last thing he needs is another motivation for Loretta to kill him. Of course buying life insurance is probably a moot point when it comes to the Lockhorns. They'll likely never die, just get more hateful and bitter until the end of time. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 96
Loretta - 122
Push - 91

November 4, 2009

Leroy's mustachioed acquaintance may just assume Leroy's statements about Loretta's terrible cooking are just exaggerated jokes, but we know better. Having witnessed all of Loretta's near nightly attempts to poison Leroy with her inedible food, that look of distress and terror on Leroy's face is genuine. He lives every day with the constant grim reality that every foul tasting meal could be his last. Leroy's phrasing actually gives an additional frightening dimension to Loretta's cooking. There is now the implied possibility that Loretta may also actually have a recipe for cooking Leroy and is attempting to murder and cook him into some sort of awful meal which she will consume as a symbolic gesture of ultimate victory. Quite disturbing. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 96
Loretta - 121
Push - 91

November 3, 2009

Seeing Loretta in a distressed state on the phone, Leroy manages to sneak in a casual taunt as he walks by with his morning coffee and paper. It's a well placed quick insult; simple and elegant in its composition and execution. He'll need to capitalize on all the small moments like these if he wants to pull off the comeback victory by year's end. He can't just cherry pick the terrible dinners and car accidents for his points, he needs to get down and dirty into the details. Also, check out the Lockhorns using the cordless phone! Is it 1985 already? Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 95
Loretta - 121
Push - 91

November 2, 2009

After having been exposed to nearly a year's worth of the Lockhorns' explorations into the depths of human cruelty and spitefulness, you would think that I would no longer be surprised by whatever indignities Leroy and Loretta have in store for each other. However, I found today's bathroom scene to be particularly sad. Leroy stands aside Loretta a completely broken man, too devastated by Loretta's sadistically well played double insult of his hair and weight to even look back in anger. The juxtaposition of Leroy's look of utter despondence and Loretta's expression of pure joy is nothing short of compelling. Loretta wins.

Official Count:

Leroy - 94
Loretta - 121
Push - 91

November 1, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta never misses an opportunity to cruelly bludgeon Leroy's dreams with the blunt club of reality. Loretta's mocking of Leroy's gambling habit is especially mean spirited since she knows that his frequent trips to the race track and his constant long shot betting are all desperate attempts at trying to dig the household out of Loretta's ever growing mountain of crushing shopping debts. Even when he's trying to help Loretta's situation, he gets Loretta's wrath. It's an unwinnable situation. Loretta goes up 1-0.
• Leroy finds himself in some sort of bizarre, exaggerated, slapstick comedy routine involving his sleep number mattress. I really can't see the need for such hysterics on the part of Leroy. From here it just looks like his bed is a little too soft. In any case, it makes absolutely no sense for him to be calling out to Loretta for help; she would be the last person in the world to give him aide. It's more than likely that she's the one who sabotaged the mattress in the first place. An odd, mostly underwhelming, push.
• A putrid, rotting, hollow pumpkin that's been left out too long; how eerily symbolic of the Lockhorn's marriage. Aside from his usual laziness, perhaps that was another reason why Leroy had yet to throw the old jack-o-lantern away? In addition, in the crude, ugly world of the Lockhorns, the more decomposed and lumpy the jack-o-lantern gets the more it seems to oddly become closer to resembling the Lockhorns. It's a push.
• It looks like another edition of "Leroy grossly overreacting to a modern day pet peeve"! Today, Leroy directs his special brand of overwhelming spite at the common nuisance of poor drive through intercom systems. While a less hate-filled man would perhaps talk slower and louder or complain about the service to the manager, Leroy prefers to take the obnoxious bullhorn approach. I sure hope Leroy enjoys people spitting in his hamburgers. Yet another push.
• We now see just how serious Loretta takes her general fun policing duties. She is so bent on penalizing any sort of joy or happiness coming out of Leroy that she actually shows up to the party in a referee uniform complete with a whistle. I can only sit back and wonder in awe at how miserable she is going to make this evening for Leroy. I can see that whistle going off every time Leroy is caught ogling or drunkenly dancing with a giant bimbo. Maybe she even brought some official yellow flags to throw out for "illegal contact" or "holding" penalties! Poor Leroy (and those poor guests) have no idea what they're in for. Loretta gets the point and completes the 2-0 shut out.

Official Count:

Leroy - 94
Loretta - 120
Push - 91