November 12, 2009

Apparently birthday celebrations for Loretta are multi-day affairs. While this would have potentially given Leroy another prime opportunity to cruelly prey on Loretta's age insecurities, it actually turns into a figurative group beat down of Leroy. Fortunately for Loretta, her friends (which appear to include the grown up versions of those creepy twins from the famous Diane Arbus photo) have all conspired to help Loretta get back at Leroy via her gifts. It's actually quite a touching scene (as touching as it gets in the dark world of the Lockhorns), a bunch of friends coming together to help one of their own on her birthday. All Leroy can do is bitterly choke down his cake in defeat. Loretta and crew earn the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 99
Loretta - 125
Push - 92

November 11, 2009

It looks like the "39th Birthday Party" that Leroy was referring to on Monday actually arrived one day earlier than expected. Given the modest size of Loretta's birthday cake, it's quite impossible to believe that there are an accurate number of candles present. Considering the ideal combination of Loretta's sensitivity regarding her age and the large gathering of friends and neighbors, Leroy manages to hold off passing out on the punch long enough to take full advantage of this amazing opportunity to ruin Loretta's special occasion. Leroy wins the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 99
Loretta - 124
Push - 92

November 10, 2009

Once again Loretta utilizes her knack for wordplay and logical head games to make Leroy look foolish (although it really doesn't take much to do that in the first place). Every generic question by Counselor Pullman about the state of their marriage is a fertile opportunity for Loretta to unload. The less than quick witted Leroy can only sit back in his chair and admit complete defeat as he tries in vain to make sense of Loretta's remarks. It's quite ironic that Loretta is complaining about listening to Counselor Pullman, since he has long since stopped listening to either Lockhorn. Loretta scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 98
Loretta - 124
Push - 92

November 9, 2009

Loretta is nakedly opening herself up endless mockery if she continues to stick to the laughably deluded fantasy of the recurring 39th birthday. It's more likely that it's been 39 years since she actually turned 39. A reoccurring 49th birthday party would be at least remotely believable, but 39 completely bursts apart the boundaries of plausibility. For Leroy, Loretta's ridiculous contention is just easy pickings for him to derisively replay to his friend, Herb. It's time to update your alibi Loretta. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 98
Loretta - 123
Push - 92

November 8, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Leroy kicks things off in fine fashion with a decisive strike at Loretta's age, one of her most sensitive of issues. The fact that the biting remark comes at a dinner function in front of acquaintances is just the extra frosting on the cake. Loretta's forced smile and feigning of ignorance of the insult barely restrains the obvious hurt and humiliation that is bubbling up inside of her. Leroy takes the early lead 1-0.
• When it comes to one on one verbal sparring, it's Loretta who almost always comes up the winner. Here, Loretta completely strikes Leroy down with just a simple, clever punchline. Despite his best efforts, Leroy just doesn't have the proficient verbal skills of Loretta to compete with her. It's really in his best interests to avoid such straight up back and forth arguments, they are mainly traps for him to lose to Loretta. You just don't challenge the master at their home. Loretta ties it up.
• Leroy diabolically gets Loretta back at her own game by promising her tickets to "the theater", only to bring her to a surgical theater to witness gruesome surgery. He can continue to firmly plead ignorance all he wants but it's obvious that this was a carefully premeditated misunderstanding. This is definitely one of the most creative and clever points Leroy has scored all year. Leroy goes up 2 to 1.
• Loretta emphatically reaffirms her intense, long held disdain for old guy/young bimbo pairings at the May/December wedding of an acquaintance. There is absolutely no doubt that she will give a long and spirited filibuster when the reverend rhetorically asks if anyone has any objections to the impending nuptials; thereby ruining the wedding. As for Leroy, he can only quietly look on with a deep, burning envy at the lucky groom. It's a push.
• It appears that the ubiquitous hype of the Brett Farve/Green Bay Packers saga has reached even the Lockhorns, albeit a week after the actual game. Can anyone explain to me why a couple from Long Island would suddenly develop such die hard ties with two distant NFC North teams? I think the Lockhorns' inherent hatred for each other causes them to take contrary sides on any controversy they come across whether it be in sports, politics, the weather, etc. Also what is up with Leroy's suit? Apparently his entire body has somehow become a mystical portal to another universe. It's another push, which means Leroy carries the day with a 2 to 1 victory.

Official Count:

Leroy - 97
Loretta - 123
Push - 92

November 7, 2009

Leroy's attempt to escape the unbearable agony of his life by kicking back and enjoying some quality time with the television is thwarted once again by Loretta. Like some sort of twisted nature guide, Loretta leads her friend into the room to observe Leroy in his natural habitat; all the while providing a steady informative narration of humiliating insults and observations. Try as he might, Loretta has thoroughly ruined Leroy's carefully laid homoerotic boxing watching plans. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 96
Loretta - 123
Push - 92

November 6, 2009

Another initially friendly visit by acquaintances, another bridge irreparably burned by Leroy. Leroy needs to funnel some more of that precious hate back at Loretta if he wants to make this race interesting. While his quest to make the Lockhorns the universally acknowledged pariahs of of Long Island (and perhaps even the greater tri-state area) is a noble one, it is quickly approaching crunch time and there are only so many more opportunities left for points. At this stage, additional pushes only serve to whittle down Loretta's magic number to clinch victory. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 96
Loretta - 122
Push - 92