April 13, 2010

Loretta gives about as lackluster and uninspired a put down as one could give while still getting credit, but hey a point is still a point. It's all kind of ironic since she's lazily criticizing Leroy for his trademark laziness. Had Leroy been aware of this and been quick thinking enough, he could have gotten all meta on Loretta and pointed this out, swiftly turned her own slothful zinger right back at her and made her look the fool in front of her friend. Unfortunately, Leroy is a bit too lazy for something like that. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 30
Loretta - 40
Push - 32

April 12, 2010

Leroy's bitter punchline echoes the thoughts of basically everyone who has ever been exposed to the Lockhorns. Their friends, their neighbors, their doctor, their lawyer, random waiters, strangers on the street, the readers, all know that their marriage is an absolute disaster in every sense. The Lockhorns themselves seem totally aware of this undeniable fact as well, yet they continue to remain together, eternally joined in mutual misery. Scenes like this maintain the viability of my pet theory that that Lockhorns exist in some otherworldly "Lost"-esque plane where they are forever locked in opposition due to some force of universal karmic equity. Or maybe they're just a couple of spiteful jerks who can't stop mocking each other. Whatever the case may be, Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 30
Loretta - 39
Push - 32

April 11, 2010: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• I always suspected that the warped kind of people that would willingly spend time with the Lockhorns on a regular basis were the most extreme of sadomasochists, today's panel unambiguously proves this to be true. However even with the aid of the a safe word the Lockhorn's deeply perverse, pain-obsessed, guest really should have opted for comparatively less life threatening options for experiencing brutal sadomasochistic pleasure than eating Loretta's cooking, like playing the victim in a snuff film. Leroy gets the point.
  
• If cleaning out a helpless Leroy of all his hard earned money wasn't enough, Loretta also feels the additional need to mock him as she takes the money. One can only imagine the sort of horrifying, dark, piece of information that Loretta is holding over Leroy to blackmail him like this. I can't think of any other reason why Leroy would continue to willingly give his total earnings to his mortal enemy. Whatever leverage Loretta may have, she's definitely playing it for all it's worth. Loretta ties it up 1-1.
• Leroy spends another night pathetically wallowing over his lost dreams and how much of an utter failure his life has become, much to the complete lack of empathy of his white haired acquaintance. Despite his sad bemoaning about the death of his dreams of fame and acclaim, Leroy still has the admirable wherewithal to turn his laments into an insult about Loretta's constant nagging. That's a heads up play. Leroy goes up 2-1.
• Loretta continues her complete systematic emasculation of Leroy by demolishing one of his last crumbling bastions of male power, his control over the TV remote. With the loss of his ability to control the channels during their prime time viewing, what else really remains of Leroy's domestic hegemony at this point? He certainly doesn't have any power over his money or dinner or where to go out for entertainment. A deft blow by Loretta, well worth the $19.99 for the universal remote at the local RadioShack. Loretta ties it up 2-2.
• Had Loretta brought Leroy along to the local branch of the FTC Bureau of Consumer Protection to witness her fervid "complaint" about his recent lamp purchase, it would obviously be a point. Unfortunately, sans Leroy, it's just another case of a crazy woman wasting everyone's time with her ridiculously misguided view about how the Consumer Protection Bureau works. Loretta's failure to break the tie ends the showdown on an undecided push.
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 29
Loretta - 39
Push - 32

April 10, 2010

Well, actually it's not the numbers that lie but the people who provide those numbers, but I get what you're trying to get across with your joke. I have to admit Leroy is boldly entering into some dangerous, edgy territory here by going after a woman's age. It's defiantly playing with fire, especially with a woman that's so madly obsessed with maintaining a heavy fog of lies about her superficial appearance and age. Right now Loretta is doing a fine job hiding her homicidal rage under that smiling mask of sanity in the background. Whatever may happen to Leroy later tonight, at least he'll always have today's point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 29
Loretta - 39
Push - 32

April 9, 2010

Loretta digs into the current event headlines for her latest belittling of Leroy's paycheck. Her reference to the "Pay Czar", the popularly known moniker for Kenneth Feinberg the appointed Special Master for TARP Executive Compensation who oversees the compensation of high level executives at corporations that received federal bailout money, jokingly implies that Leroy is a highly compensated top executive. So when she's asking Leroy if the pay czar is aware of his salary she's sarcastically implying that he is receiving an unapproved, excessively high compensation package from his bailed out company. A simple, "whoa there Rockefeller" would have sufficed, but then who am I to question the master? Loretta scores the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 28
Loretta - 39
Push - 32

April 8, 2010

Nothing is worse than when the Lockhorns quit picking on each other and try their hand at terrible social commentary. Their current "rant" on the decline of television quality is about as lazy and worthless as it gets. Their complaint manages to be generic and trite and at the same time overly general and maddeningly non-specific. Once you add in the fossilized Jerry Springer reference you've got yourself a completely wasted day. To think Loretta could have been landing a cutting remark about Leroy's couch potato lifestyle or Leroy could have been sticking it to Loretta about her incessant harping. Push all around.

Official Count:

Leroy - 28
Loretta - 38
Push - 32

April 7, 2010

After nearly four months, Loretta returns to the local shoe store to once again torment the poor frazzled, nameless salesman, notorious for being the only other character who Loretta has made more miserable than Leroy in a scene. This time, Loretta is intent on torturing him for countless hours with her agonizing indecisiveness, forcing him to go through box after box after box of freakishly large women's shoes until he has completely lost his mind. Leroy can only just sit back and soak up the schadenfreude. Also, I really hope Leroy's mustachioed buddy is just another frustrated husband waiting for his wife to finish shopping rather than some creepy pervert who purchases women's shoes for his own sick pleasures. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 28
Loretta - 38
Push - 31