Tuesday, December 31, 2013

December 31, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 119
Loretta - 153
Push - 92

***

The 2013 edition of "Lockhorns vs. Lockhorn" concludes much as it has done all year with a victory by Loretta. Congratulations once again to Loretta Lockhorn for taking the title. In four full years of "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" she has managed to win in convincing fashion every year. Loretta responded to Leroy coming off his best effort last year by putting up her most dominant season yet, scoring over 150 points and topping Leroy by a record 44 points overall; utilizing her vicious wit, impeccable timing, and unwavering meanness. Dynasty thy name is Loretta.

Now this would usually be the point where I would encourage Leroy to look forward to next year, to learn from his losses so he can improve his strengths and sure up his weaknesses. However, it is is with a slightly heavy heart that I announce that this will be the final "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn", at least for the time being. After five years, almost 1,600 comics, and a lifetime of insults I feel I have taken the blog as far as it could go. Now this isn't to say that this is the complete end, this site has been on hiatus before and if I feel that if there can be a new way to draw more vile, spiteful, blood from this hateful stone I will definitely return. For 2014 though at least I going to take a break from the bitterness. As a near daily ritual for half a decade it has been a tumultuous and hostile, but ultimately enjoyable ride (though there were some Sundays where those Showdowns took a bit more motivation to get through) and I hope all you readers out there (all five of you) had fun too.

Monday, December 30, 2013

December 30, 2013


*Author's Note: I think Loretta's dumbfounded stare says it all.

Official Count:
Leroy - 119
Loretta - 152
Push - 92

Sunday, December 29, 2013

December 29, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)a

Clockwise from the bottom left:
  • It's a solid burn by Leroy, but a part of me feels for poor Loretta. Assuming that the sweater in question was a gift from Loretta, it's a pretty cold blooded move by Helen to use it on her dog. She doesn't even seem to feel the least bit guilty about her actions as she brazenly walks the dog in front of the Lockhorns' residence with a satisfied smile on her face. The whole thing looks pretty deliberate. Leroy gets the point with an assist from Helen. Leroy leads 1-0.
  • I always consider going with the "maybe" option for any invitation to be equivalent of dropping a "meh". Sure we try to be courteous and dress it up as the innocuous but ambiguous "maybe" but in my experiences "maybe" runs closer to the "don't care" spectrum than the "don't know". With that said Loretta is still entitled to a score for pointing out Leroy's lack of tact. He may be right but Loretta gets the point and ties things up at 1-1.
  • Suddenly when the suggestion of working on his marriage comes up, the usually lazy Leroy becomes diligent about his office work (is he trying to pass off doing a newspaper crossword puzzle as working?). I would also say that going to all those fruitless visits to the marriage counselor qualifies as working on the marriage. While not much can be said about the quality of the work, there is still technically effort being expended. Leroy scores another point and takes a 2-1 lead.
  • Leroy is really busting out the serious moves here. Is that even Leroy up there? I could swear that's Robin Thicke. Now that I think about it, Leroy is probably a huge fan of the "Blurred Lines" music video, it's got all his favorite things: beautiful models, guys dancing silly in suits, all up against a blank background. Even though it's Loretta that's commenting here, I feel compelled to give Leroy the point. After all, he's the one grooving with a bimbo and Loretta is the one wallowing in embarrassment. Leroy gets the point and clinches the day with a 3-1 lead.
  • What I assume Loretta means is that the rest of the year outside of the NFL season is a pregame show for Leroy. Obviously the part of the season where the games are being played can't be a pregame show. It's not the clearest of zingers from Loretta. It also might have been more topical if she said it during the off-season. Still, Loretta gets the point; although Leroy may feel like the winner in the panel since she's leaving him alone to watch his football game in peace. Leroy takes the final "Sunday Showdown" of 2013 with a 3-2 victory.
Official Count:
Leroy - 119
Loretta - 151
Push - 92

Sunday Showdown Count:
Leroy - 14
Loretta - 21
Push - 17

Saturday, December 28, 2013

December 28, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 119
Loretta - 151
Push - 92

Friday, December 27, 2013

December 27, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 118
Loretta - 151
Push - 92

Thursday, December 26, 2013

December 26, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 118
Loretta - 151
Push - 91

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

December 25, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 118
Loretta - 150
Push - 91

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

December 24, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 117
Loretta - 150
Push - 91

Monday, December 23, 2013

December 23, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 117
Loretta - 150
Push - 90

Sunday, December 22, 2013

December 22, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:
  • If it is eye trouble, Leroy must be suffering from some severe eye problems. His face is almost touching the gigantic flat screen television. At that point, I don't even think he'll be able to see any better. If it isn't the sudden onset of blindness the other explanation, he's so desperate for female ogling that even the new weather girl on the local news broadcast becomes an event, might be even sadder. There might be a third option, that he is in some sort of catatonic state since all I see is a blank white screen. Whatever the case may be Loretta wastes no time exploiting it to earn a point. Loretta leads 1-0.
  • Updating the home thermostat to a fancy modern password protected model seems like an implausibly tech savvy action by Leroy. Though he has been known to have shocking displays of intelligence when it comes to being cheap, especially if it antagonizes Loretta. I wouldn't have expected the cooler home temperature to bother Loretta all that much since we all know her heart pumps frigid ice water instead of blood. It's a push. Loretta still leads 1-0.
  • That's how you play the game Leroy. Take a weakness (in this case your rampant alcoholism) and use it as a means to make Loretta angry. I'm surprised that Leroy was even allowed to go to a party without Loretta, maybe he left straight from the office. Usually Leroy comes off as more of an angry drunk than the garrulous sort. I guess it depends on his moods. Though he may end up spending the night on the lawn, Leroy scores himself a point and ties the day up 1-1.
  • There's really no joke here. If this were a non-Sunday panel I would have a difficult time breaking down Leroy's statement any further. Still, it goes to the heart of the matter: Leroy hates Loretta's mother. Leroy hates Loretta's mother so much that he is allowing Loretta to drive them to her house in the hopes that they'll be involved in a car accident. He probably doesn't even care about possible injury or even death, both of those scenarios would be preferable to spending time with Loretta's mother. Leroy gets the point and takes a 2-1 lead.
  • The world may have beaten Leroy's spirit down to a fine ash, but his belief in Santa Claus still oddly remains intact. I would say that is kind of charming if it wasn't driven entirely by a bitter decades long disappointment from his childhood. Does Leroy do this every year? Go to the mall and harass the Santa on duty? Does he really think that's the official Santa? Hasn't he seen Santas in other malls? Also, the sight of the beady eyed mom and her traumatized kid is priceless. Loretta swoops in for the point and ends the penultimate Sunday Showdown of the year in a 2-2 push.
Official Count:
Leroy - 117
Loretta - 149
Push - 90

Sunday Showdown Count:
Leroy - 13
Loretta - 21
Push - 17

Saturday, December 21, 2013

December 21, 2013

A Long Drinker's Nap

Official Count:
Leroy - 117
Loretta - 149
Push - 89

Friday, December 20, 2013

December 20, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 117
Loretta - 148
Push - 89

Thursday, December 19, 2013

December 19, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 116
Loretta - 148
Push - 89

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

December 18, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 115
Loretta - 148
Push - 89

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

December 17, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 115
Loretta - 148
Push - 88

December 16, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 115
Loretta - 147
Push - 88

Sunday, December 15, 2013

December 15, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:
  • Man, I would be much more excited about going to the opera if they threw in some t-shirt canons during the intermission. I know it's a cheap way to generate audience support, but I always manage to get a psyched whenever the launchers come out at a sporting event. A fellow t shirt gun loving friend of mine once looked online to see if he could buy one, but as it turned out they are crazy expensive. I salute you Leroy for dreaming big. Unfortunately I also have to give Loretta the point for pointing out your ridiculous suggestion. Loretta leads 1-0.
  • This is a rare reversal for the Lockhorns. I cannot remember the last time Leroy was visiting Loretta in the hospital. We all know Leroy's general clumsiness, dangerously inept home improvement skills, and propensity to get into fights with everyone make him a frequent visitor to the ER; but what could have landed Loretta in the hospital? I'm going to assume her head injury was due to a particularly severe car accident, no doubt caused by her. Despite her retrograde amnesia she still manages to vaguely recall and diss Leroy; quite impressive. Loretta scores another point and surges to a 2-0 lead.
  • There are few less welcoming places than the Lockhorns home. They make North Korea look like Disneyland (hmm...sounds like the kind of one liner Loretta would drop). Leroy should focus on simple jabs like these to improve his standings. Sometimes I think he might be over thinking his insults (and with Leroy it doesn't take much to over think...zing, number two!). Objects of ridicule are everywhere, he just needs to be observant. Leroy earns a point and trails Loretta 2-1.
  • It shouldn't be all that difficult for Loretta to determine which presents are from Leroy since they are the only ones giving presents to each other. Who else would bother sending the Lockhorns are gift that isn't a flaming bag of dog poo? In a way there's a sort of romantic quality to how the Lockhorns only have each other to get presents from. In Leroy's defense, those shopping bags at least have some degree of festive colored flair. It's not like he just shoved everything in one huge plastic bag. Though Loretta would get a point here, Leroy's absence means I can only rule this a push. Still, Loretta leads 2-1 as we head into the final panel.
  • Look at Leroy, being shockingly topical. I actually found his drone joke to be pretty clever. It is the sort of pun that is way out of character for him. I do wonder if we were on the other side of the room would we hear nothing but animated insults about Leroy coming from Loretta. Is it just a fortunate twist of perspective that turns a point for Loretta into a point for Leroy and vice-versa? There is an undeniable element of luck when it comes to "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn", here it shined on Leroy. Leroy gets a point and ties the day at 2-2.
Official Count:
Leroy - 114
Loretta - 147
Push - 88

Sunday Showdown Count:
Leroy - 13
Loretta - 21
Push - 16

Saturday, December 14, 2013

December 14, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 114
Loretta - 147
Push - 87

Friday, December 13, 2013

December 13, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 114
Loretta - 147
Push - 86

Thursday, December 12, 2013

December 12, 2013


Official Count:
Leroy - 114
Loretta - 147
Push - 85