December 31, 2013

Pay Marriage

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 153

Push - 92

***

The 2013 edition of "Lockhorns vs. Lockhorn" concludes much as it has done all year with a victory by Loretta. Congratulations once again to Loretta Lockhorn for taking the title. In four full years of "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" she has managed to win in convincing fashion every year. Loretta responded to Leroy coming off his best effort last year by putting up her most dominant season yet, scoring over 150 points and topping Leroy by a record 44 points overall; utilizing her vicious wit, impeccable timing, and unwavering meanness. Dynasty thy name is Loretta.

Now this would usually be the point where I would encourage Leroy to look forward to next year, to learn from his losses so he can improve his strengths and sure up his weaknesses. However, it is is with a slightly heavy heart that I announce that this will be the final "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn", at least for the time being. After five years, almost 1,600 comics, and a lifetime of insults I feel I have taken the blog as far as it could go. Now this isn't to say that this is the complete end, this site has been on hiatus before and if I feel that if there can be a new way to draw more vile, spiteful, blood from this hateful stone I will definitely return. For 2014 though at least I going to take a break from the bitterness. As a near daily ritual for half a decade it has been a tumultuous and hostile, but ultimately enjoyable ride (though there were some Sundays where those Showdowns took a bit more motivation to get through) and I hope all you readers out there (all five of you) had fun too.

December 30, 2013

New Year's Re-Delusion

*Author's Note: I think Loretta's dumbfounded stare says it all.

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 152

Push - 92

December 29, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)a

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• It's a solid burn by Leroy, but a part of me feels for poor Loretta. Assuming that the sweater in question was a gift from Loretta, it's a pretty cold blooded move by Helen to use it on her dog. She doesn't even seem to feel the least bit guilty about her actions as she brazenly walks the dog in front of the Lockhorns' residence with a satisfied smile on her face. The whole thing looks pretty deliberate. Leroy gets the point with an assist from Helen. Leroy leads 1-0.
• I always consider going with the "maybe" option for any invitation to be equivalent of dropping a "meh". Sure we try to be courteous and dress it up as the innocuous but ambiguous "maybe" but in my experiences "maybe" runs closer to the "don't care" spectrum than the "don't know". With that said Loretta is still entitled to a score for pointing out Leroy's lack of tact. He may be right but Loretta gets the point and ties things up at 1-1.
• Suddenly when the suggestion of working on his marriage comes up, the usually lazy Leroy becomes diligent about his office work (is he trying to pass off doing a newspaper crossword puzzle as working?). I would also say that going to all those fruitless visits to the marriage counselor qualifies as working on the marriage. While not much can be said about the quality of the work, there is still technically effort being expended. Leroy scores another point and takes a 2-1 lead.
• Leroy is really busting out the serious moves here. Is that even Leroy up there? I could swear that's Robin Thicke. Now that I think about it, Leroy is probably a huge fan of the "Blurred Lines" music video, it's got all his favorite things: beautiful models, guys dancing silly in suits, all up against a blank background. Even though it's Loretta that's commenting here, I feel compelled to give Leroy the point. After all, he's the one grooving with a bimbo and Loretta is the one wallowing in embarrassment. Leroy gets the point and clinches the day with a 3-1 lead.
• What I assume Loretta means is that the rest of the year outside of the NFL season is a pregame show for Leroy. Obviously the part of the season where the games are being played can't be a pregame show. It's not the clearest of zingers from Loretta. It also might have been more topical if she said it during the off-season. Still, Loretta gets the point; although Leroy may feel like the winner in the panel since she's leaving him alone to watch his football game in peace. Leroy takes the final "Sunday Showdown" of 2013 with a 3-2 victory.

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 151

Push - 92

Sunday Showdown Count:

Leroy - 14

Loretta - 21

Push - 17

December 28, 2013

There Is No Try

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 151

Push - 92

December 27, 2013

Have Nots

Official Count:

Leroy - 118

Loretta - 151

Push - 92

December 26, 2013

Make 'Em Laugh

Official Count:

Leroy - 118

Loretta - 151

Push - 91

December 25, 2013

Yuletide Jeer

Official Count:

Leroy - 118

Loretta - 150

Push - 91

December 24, 2013

Working On A 6 Pack

Official Count:

Leroy - 117

Loretta - 150

Push - 91

December 23, 2013

Tangled

Official Count:

Leroy - 117

Loretta - 150

Push - 90

December 22, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• If it is eye trouble, Leroy must be suffering from some severe eye problems. His face is almost touching the gigantic flat screen television. At that point, I don't even think he'll be able to see any better. If it isn't the sudden onset of blindness the other explanation, he's so desperate for female ogling that even the new weather girl on the local news broadcast becomes an event, might be even sadder. There might be a third option, that he is in some sort of catatonic state since all I see is a blank white screen. Whatever the case may be Loretta wastes no time exploiting it to earn a point. Loretta leads 1-0.
• Updating the home thermostat to a fancy modern password protected model seems like an implausibly tech savvy action by Leroy. Though he has been known to have shocking displays of intelligence when it comes to being cheap, especially if it antagonizes Loretta. I wouldn't have expected the cooler home temperature to bother Loretta all that much since we all know her heart pumps frigid ice water instead of blood. It's a push. Loretta still leads 1-0.
• That's how you play the game Leroy. Take a weakness (in this case your rampant alcoholism) and use it as a means to make Loretta angry. I'm surprised that Leroy was even allowed to go to a party without Loretta, maybe he left straight from the office. Usually Leroy comes off as more of an angry drunk than the garrulous sort. I guess it depends on his moods. Though he may end up spending the night on the lawn, Leroy scores himself a point and ties the day up 1-1.
• There's really no joke here. If this were a non-Sunday panel I would have a difficult time breaking down Leroy's statement any further. Still, it goes to the heart of the matter: Leroy hates Loretta's mother. Leroy hates Loretta's mother so much that he is allowing Loretta to drive them to her house in the hopes that they'll be involved in a car accident. He probably doesn't even care about possible injury or even death, both of those scenarios would be preferable to spending time with Loretta's mother. Leroy gets the point and takes a 2-1 lead.
• The world may have beaten Leroy's spirit down to a fine ash, but his belief in Santa Claus still oddly remains intact. I would say that is kind of charming if it wasn't driven entirely by a bitter decades long disappointment from his childhood. Does Leroy do this every year? Go to the mall and harass the Santa on duty? Does he really think that's the official Santa? Hasn't he seen Santas in other malls? Also, the sight of the beady eyed mom and her traumatized kid is priceless. Loretta swoops in for the point and ends the penultimate Sunday Showdown of the year in a 2-2 push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 117

Loretta - 149

Push - 90

Sunday Showdown Count:

Leroy - 13

Loretta - 21

Push - 17

December 21, 2013

A Long Drinker's Nap

Official Count:

Leroy - 117

Loretta - 149

Push - 89

December 20, 2013

Empty Shopping Cart

Official Count:

Leroy - 117

Loretta - 148

Push - 89

December 19, 2013

Gift Returns

Official Count:

Leroy - 116

Loretta - 148

Push - 89

December 18, 2013

Grief Counseling

Official Count:

Leroy - 115

Loretta - 148

Push - 89

December 17, 2013

Warning Sign

Official Count:

Leroy - 115

Loretta - 148

Push - 88

December 16, 2013

Suppressed Santa

Official Count:

Leroy - 115

Loretta - 147

Push - 88

December 15, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Man, I would be much more excited about going to the opera if they threw in some t-shirt canons during the intermission. I know it's a cheap way to generate audience support, but I always manage to get a psyched whenever the launchers come out at a sporting event. A fellow t shirt gun loving friend of mine once looked online to see if he could buy one, but as it turned out they are crazy expensive. I salute you Leroy for dreaming big. Unfortunately I also have to give Loretta the point for pointing out your ridiculous suggestion. Loretta leads 1-0.
• This is a rare reversal for the Lockhorns. I cannot remember the last time Leroy was visiting Loretta in the hospital. We all know Leroy's general clumsiness, dangerously inept home improvement skills, and propensity to get into fights with everyone make him a frequent visitor to the ER; but what could have landed Loretta in the hospital? I'm going to assume her head injury was due to a particularly severe car accident, no doubt caused by her. Despite her retrograde amnesia she still manages to vaguely recall and diss Leroy; quite impressive. Loretta scores another point and surges to a 2-0 lead.
• There are few less welcoming places than the Lockhorns home. They make North Korea look like Disneyland (hmm...sounds like the kind of one liner Loretta would drop). Leroy should focus on simple jabs like these to improve his standings. Sometimes I think he might be over thinking his insults (and with Leroy it doesn't take much to over think...zing, number two!). Objects of ridicule are everywhere, he just needs to be observant. Leroy earns a point and trails Loretta 2-1.
• It shouldn't be all that difficult for Loretta to determine which presents are from Leroy since they are the only ones giving presents to each other. Who else would bother sending the Lockhorns are gift that isn't a flaming bag of dog poo? In a way there's a sort of romantic quality to how the Lockhorns only have each other to get presents from. In Leroy's defense, those shopping bags at least have some degree of festive colored flair. It's not like he just shoved everything in one huge plastic bag. Though Loretta would get a point here, Leroy's absence means I can only rule this a push. Still, Loretta leads 2-1 as we head into the final panel.
• Look at Leroy, being shockingly topical. I actually found his drone joke to be pretty clever. It is the sort of pun that is way out of character for him. I do wonder if we were on the other side of the room would we hear nothing but animated insults about Leroy coming from Loretta. Is it just a fortunate twist of perspective that turns a point for Loretta into a point for Leroy and vice-versa? There is an undeniable element of luck when it comes to "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn", here it shined on Leroy. Leroy gets a point and ties the day at 2-2.

Official Count:

Leroy - 114

Loretta - 147

Push - 88

Sunday Showdown Count:

Leroy - 13

Loretta - 21

Push - 16

December 14, 2013

Give 'Em Enough Rope

Official Count:

Leroy - 114

Loretta - 147

Push - 87

December 13, 2013

Crumbs

Official Count:

Leroy - 114

Loretta - 147

Push - 86

December 12, 2013

Ex-X-Mas Tree

Official Count:

Leroy - 114

Loretta - 147

Push - 85

December 11, 2013

Pay Different

Official Count:

Leroy - 114

Loretta - 146

Push - 85

December 10, 2013

Don't Speak

Official Count:

Leroy - 114

Loretta - 146

Push - 84

December 9, 2013

Insecurity Check

Official Count:

Leroy - 114

Loretta - 145

Push - 84

December 8, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Every once in a while Leroy will push the antagonism envelope just a bit too far and end up with a shiner for his efforts. I bet if he really tried, he could even get the Pope to sock him in the face. I am impressed by whatever obnoxious behavior Leroy engaged in at the theater to drive a performer to assault an audience member. This is like the ballet equivalent to the "Malice in the Palace". Also, props to the angry ballerina; the Lockhorns usually sit way up in the balcony seats. If she actually managed to ding Leroy all the way up there, that is some serious accuracy. Loretta gets the point and takes a 1-0 lead.
• I initially thought Leroy was just wishing out loud about his morning cereal, but then I caught Loretta's unhappy expression and got that it was Loretta's usual bad cooking. The green colored pieces should have been an immediate clue. While there obviously isn't a literal prize at the bottom of the bowl, maybe the prize Leroy is looking for is the sweet release of death from severe food poisoning. Leroy scores a point and ties the game up 1-1.
• Jokes about the ubiquity of Starbucks, that's about as fresh and timely as Loretta's giant flip cell phone (which I find  a bit baffling since she has shown before that she owns a modern smartphone). If I put in the research perhaps I could narrow down the Starbucks heavy Long Island location the Lockhorns are in. Loretta will be waiting out in the cold for a long time if she think Leroy is going to follow her demand to meet up with her. It's a push, the day is still knotted 1-1.
• The rise of social media along with smartphones and tablets must have made Leroy's Loretta ignoring efforts so much more easier. It must be a total godsend for him. Unfortunately this increase ease in shutting out Loretta via digital distractions has not translated overall into more victories for Leroy. For Leroy (and many businesses today) proper utilization of social media is critical for success. Leroy's tech savvy shunning scores him a point and gives him a 2-1 lead.
• Though she does all the time to some degree, here Loretta's mother looks especially like a member of the first Continental Congress from her powdered wig-like hair down to her 18th century leggings and shoes. Maybe she works part time as a historical reenactor? That would explain a lot. In an uncommon display of clutch play, Leroy manages to seal the deal by insulting Loretta and addressing Loretta's mother's hatred of him. Leroy gets the point and takes the day 3-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 113

Loretta - 145

Push - 84

Sunday Showdown Count:

Leroy - 13

Loretta - 21

Push - 15

December 7, 2013

Turkey Time

Official Count:

Leroy - 112

Loretta - 145

Push - 84

December 6, 2013

Hostage Situation

*Author's Note: It looks like the Lockhorns finally reached a tipping point with poor old Pullman.

Official Count:

Leroy - 111

Loretta - 145

Push - 84

December 5, 2013

Bottle Shock

Official Count:

Leroy - 111

Loretta - 145

Push - 83

December 4, 2013

P90 Next

Official Count:

Leroy - 111

Loretta - 145

Push - 82

December 3, 2013

I Wanna Be Your Dog

*Author's Note: Wait, Leroy used to work with the Stooges?

Official Count:

Leroy - 110

Loretta - 145

Push - 82

December 2, 2013

What Woman Wants

Official Count:

Leroy - 110

Loretta - 144

Push - 82

December 1, 2013: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Judging by the simmering rage on Loretta's face, it looks like Leroy's status will not change anytime soon. Since there's no actual "in the doghouse" option (to the best of my knowledge, but who knows, they're always changing things up) I'm going to assume he set it to "it's complicated". Oh how Leroy must yearn to one day to change his status to "not in a relationship" or possibly have his account deactivated all together because he is deceased. While sweet freedom from Loretta remains an impossible fantasy, he can at least enjoy the point he's earned and the early 1-0 lead.
• This panel feels like a natural continuation of the previous one, though now it's time for Loretta to get in her complaints. There are many things that are wrong with the Lockhorns' marriage (in fact, just about everything is wrong with their marriage) but I didn't expect Loretta's over qualification to be one of the issues. Objectively the Lockhorns are perfectly made to hate each other; it's a truly perverse bond. Though if we're going by "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" victories than Loretta is in another league. Loretta gets the point and ties the game up 1-1.
• I don't know about you but when I read this, I tried to think of potential songs with lyrics that could double as GPS instructions (the beginning of "Irreplaceable" by Beyoncé? "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews Band?). Whatever instructions she took, it certainly looks like Loretta has doled out a lot of damage. I can't tell if she's holding her purse or a mangled steering wheel, both are plausible. Unfortunately for Leroy, he is just too horrified by Loretta's actions that he can't even make an easy insult. It's a push. The score remains 1-1.
• Despite often being able to feature the names of various Long Island businesses, it seems that the local Hooters (most likely the one in Farmingdale) has declined the Lockhorn spotlight, necessitating the parody location. They should have gone to Canz in Westbury. Leroy should employ this tactic more often, seek out the nearest brestaurant to hunker down in while Loretta does her shopping. It sure beats holding her purse near the changing rooms. Leroy gets the point and takes a 2-1 lead.
• Leroy knows that no matter how outrageous his indiscretions are, no matter how poorly he fails as a husband or even civilized adult, he can automatically quell Loretta's anger at him with a trip to the mall. It's easy and effective, but one has to wonder if the cost is worth it. Today, his apology purchase of a new outfit not only cost him money but also a Sunday Showdown victory. If Leroy ever wants to win a year, he'll have to be tougher. Loretta gets the point and ends the day on a 2-2 push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 110

Loretta - 144

Push - 81

Sunday Showdown Count:

Leroy - 12

Loretta - 21

Push - 15