December 31, 2012

New Year's Resolution

Official Count:

Leroy - 131

Loretta - 145

Push - 90

***

That officially concludes the 2012 edition of "Lockhorns vs. Lockhorns". Congratulations to Loretta for officially being crowned the yearly champion once again. In the relatively short history of "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" she has managed to utterly dominate the competition (I guess that's just Leroy) using her formidable skill set of vicious insults, angry stares, and (when the need arose) straight up violent actions. She will have to maintain her high level of performance for the coming year if she wants to maintain this impressive run of success, Leroy has closed the gap to its smallest number yet: 14, and has thus far shown improvement every year. He will have to continue building on these positives if he ever wants to think about standing on top of the mountain at the end of the year. I would finally like to thank you the fans for joining me on this wild and dark ride through a year of the Lockhorns. Without you, all this wonderful ugliness, bitterness, and hostility would have been for naught. See everyone in 2013!

December 30, 2012: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• I feel like I have seen this exchange about a dozen times before, like literally word for word. There is something to admire about the purity of this scene though. This is stripped down, no frills, bare essentials Lockhorns. No fancy Long Island locales (even the void is colorless), no guests, no exaggerated expressions; just two Leroy and Loretta dissing each other. It's nice to see "The Lockhorns" center itself like this every once in a while. In the end everything else is superfluous, it's the hate that sustains. For Loretta's stubborn antics she gets the point and the early 1-0 lead.
• You totally heard that line said in a stereotypical Irish priest accent too right? Leroy's a man of many vices but oddly enough gambling has never really been established as one of them; although church bingo can hardly be considered gambling. I would think Leroy would have a gambling addiction, it would slide quite comfortably between his alcohol addiction and rage addiction. This church bingo thing though does seem a bit out of character for him. It's a push. Loretta leads 1-0.
• This one required a few additional readings and I'm still not one hundred percent sure I follow. First off, Loretta has a brother? This is the first I've heard of this. Along with Loretta's mother, perhaps this will be another avenue of attack for Leroy in the coming year. Secondly, I guess he's a criminal? I think the reward that Leroy is referencing is for information leading to his capture. So Leroy's intention seems to be to invite him down and turn him over to the cops (or I guess there's the unlikely possibility that he wants to aid him by opening up his home as a hideout). I do hope more develops from this. Leroy gets the point, the score is tied 1-1.
• Leroy's ongoing mid life crisis has taken a crazier turn. Loretta doesn't appear to be kidding, she genuinely expects Leroy to suffer a terrible chiropractic injury from attempting to fit himself inside a ridiculously tiny car. I don't blame her, I imagine it's hard enough for the Lockhorns to fit their freakish dimensions into a normal sized car let alone some sort of child sized replica model. There was no actual "Sporty Motors" to be found on Long Island, however I think it may be a stand in for "Autosport Designs Inc." out in Huntington Station. They have a similar line up of exotic automobiles. Loretta earns the point and takes the 2-1 lead.
• Apparently Leroy, while appearing to be the complete polar opposite of the demographic of the show, was a fan of the recently concluded "Gossip Girl". I assume Leroy recorded the final episode from two weeks ago and is now having his big Gossip Girl finale party with his one other incongruous middle aged male fan friend (boy are they going to be surprised when they finally reveal who is Gossip Girl). At least Leroy can take comfort that he still got a dig at Loretta from the show's departure. Leroy scores the point and the final Sunday Showdown of 2012 ends in a 2-2 push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 130

Loretta - 145

Push - 90

December 29, 2012

Like A Bad Neighbor

Official Count:

Leroy - 130

Loretta - 145

Push - 89 

December 28, 2012

Shot Down

Official Count:

Leroy - 130

Loretta - 145

Push - 88

December 27, 2012

Canned Applause

Official Count:

Leroy - 130

Loretta - 144

Push - 88

December 26, 2012

Complimentary Gift

Official Count:

Leroy - 129

Loretta - 144

Push - 88

December 25, 2012

Jingle Bell Rock

Official Count:

Leroy - 129

Loretta - 144

Push - 87

December 24, 2012

Regifting

Official Count:

Leroy - 128

Loretta - 144

Push - 87

December 23, 2012: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta's objection about Leroy purchasing a motorcycle is somewhat incongruous  One would think that Loretta would be wholly in favor of any activity that would threaten Leroy's life. I think her concern is just a superficial excuse to deny something that might actually provide Leroy with enjoyment. Loretta is more than willing to employ any argument or action to keep Leroy perpetually unhappy. It might be difficult for Leroy to reconsider though, judging by the bizarre dimensions of Leroy's cycle, it seems he put in a custom made order. Loretta's nagging still gets her the point as she takes the early 1-0 lead.
• After clinching the yearly title last week, it looks like Loretta's winning streak over Leroy continues onto the chessboard. I am not the least bit surprised at Loretta's victory. The constant back and forth sparring of "Lockhorn vs. Lockhorn" is like a tense chess match and Loretta has proven over the years in panel after panel that she has the tactical instincts and mental dexterity to dominate. It also helps that Leroy is an idiot. I'm surprised he even knew how to play the game. Loretta wins another point and surges ahead 2-0.
• Leroy should always exercise some extra caution when ridiculing Loretta's cooking while she has a knife in hand (or some kind of large medical scalpel by the looks of it). He should know well by now not to keep his back to her for too long. Though the "thirty minute meals" reference is necessary for the joke, it is actually a lenient estimated recovery time for a Loretta meal. People should consider themselves the lucky few if they recover at all. Leroy scores a point and gets on the board. Loretta still leads 2-1.
• I don't know why but I really enjoyed this simple scene. There's something amusingly cruel about Loretta just writing out "get a life" for Leroy's bucket list. I would have expected a more specific insult. Leroy really must be in some sort of serious mid life crisis. First he has the motorcycle purchase and now he's drawing up bucket lists (perhaps "own a motorcycle" is one of his entries). Loretta earns herself another point and clinches Sunday victory by taking a 3-1 lead.
• Initially I thought Loretta was mocking Leroy, but after a brief consideration, it comes off as more of a push than anything. Loretta's testimony to her friend indicates that the Lockhorns each buys the other one a terrible gift that they immediately exchange at the store. They're both terrible people and terrible at Christmas. Logically they should just stop giving each other bad gifts and just buy something for themselves; but I suppose even the Lockhorns have their Christmas traditions. It's a push, but Loretta cruises to an overall 3-1 victory.

Official Count:

Leroy - 128

Loretta - 144

Push - 86

December 22, 2012

Tackle Savings

Author's note: A real missed opportunity for Leroy to mock Loretta. I think he's just happy that she's sharing in one of his interests.

Official Count:

Leroy - 128

Loretta - 143

Push - 86

December 21, 2012

Escape to Witch Mountain

Official Count:

Leroy - 128

Loretta - 143

Push - 85

December 20, 2012

Feelings

Official Count:

Leroy - 127

Loretta - 143

Push - 85

December 19, 2012

Showered With Criticism

Official Count:

Leroy - 126

Loretta - 143

Push - 85

December 18, 2012

Trash Talk

Official Count:

Leroy - 126

Loretta - 142

Push - 85

December 17, 2012

Draft Bust

Official Count:

Leroy - 125

Loretta - 142

Push - 85

December 16, 2012: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• This may be the longest Leroy has been at the office Christmas party without being near blackout drunk and making a total ass of himself. He must really be concerned about this potential rivalry from Johnson. Considering his laughably low compensation and pathetic position in the company, I can hardly imagine what sort of position Johnson is in that he's gunning for Leroy's job; maybe he's an unpaid intern or the office janitor. I don't think Leroy should worry too much, there is no one alive that can match him for lack of drive, ambition, and ideas. It's a push.
• Leroy has probably been getting this particular bit of bad news from the doctor for quite some time now. I don't see why he's so mopey about it now. He'll just ignore it like every other time. Perhaps he's finally starting to actually feel bad about his unhealthy lifestyle and this is the first step towards better daily habits...and perhaps Loretta will start taking cooking classes to improve her skills. Loretta takes the first point and jumps ahead 1-0.
• At first look I thought Loretta had bought a weird yellow bonnet but the beauty salon sign tipped me off. I have to say, the stylists at Antony Peters in East Meadow are pretty skilled to be able to pull off that look off with Loretta. He hair never looked fuller or more contemporary. Unfortunately with such a grotesque, walking caricature like Loretta, any hairstyle or choice of outfit that looks like something a real person would get appears unsettling and out of place. Leroy gets the point and ties the day up 1-1.
• I was thinking that it has been quite a while since Loretta crashed the family car into the kitchen. Fortunately for us all she had at least one more spectacular crash in her for 2012. It's outrageous scenes like these that keep bringing me back to the Lockhorns. Perhaps it's the lingering effects of a concussion or just pure sadistic pleasure or maybe a combination of both but Loretta appears far too happy to have just had a massive wreck. Now there is a person who enjoys their job. Loretta gets the point and drives ahead 2-1.
• Loretta, in my opinion, shares more similarities with a standard living room sofa than she would care to admit. I would say they weigh roughly the same amount, take up nearly as much space, have plenty of cushioning, and are both covered in synthetic fabrics. However, I'm not here to throw out caustic observations on behalf of Leroy (maybe he'd be doing better this year if I did). Although Leroy isn't around for Loretta to score another point here, she still clinches victory and takes Sunday with the push, 2-1.

Author's Note: With fifteen days to go in 2012, Loretta has mathematically clinched her second straight "Lockhorn Vs. Lockhorn" title and third overall (she probably also would have won the shortened 2010 edition as well). Congratulations Loretta! It is quite fitting that the deciding victory came on a Sunday Showdown, a stage that she has particularly dominated through the years. As for Leroy, another disappointing year but he has slowly but steadily been closing the gap every year. Perhaps 2013 will be the year he finally breaks through.

Official Count:

Leroy - 125

Loretta - 141

Push - 85

December 15, 2012

Retirement Home

Official Count:

Leroy - 125

Loretta - 140

Push - 85

December 14, 2012

Listen Up

Official Count:

Leroy - 125

Loretta - 139

Push - 85

December 13, 2012

Lower Middle Class

Official Count:

Leroy - 125

Loretta - 139

Push - 84

December 12, 2012

Vultured

Official Count:

Leroy - 125

Loretta - 138

Push - 84

December 11, 2012

Magic Time

Official Count:

Leroy - 124

Loretta - 138

Push - 84

December 10, 2012

Airplane Mode

Official Count:

Leroy - 124

Loretta - 137

Push - 84

December 9, 2012: Sunday Showdown!

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Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Welcome to another edition of "Lockhorns Facing Mundane Problems of The Modern World"! This time the Lockhorns find themselves frustrated and disappointed to find the deli they are in serves all manners of sandwiched foods expect for the plain common sandwich. Then again what exactly is the plain common sandwich they're looking for? The man at the counter is technically listing different varieties of sandwiches. The Lockhorns' order of "sandwich" is far too vague. Do they want a PB&J? A rueben? A po' boy? A Bánh mì? I just think the counterman wants the Lockhorns to leave. It's a push.
• I don't really think it's fair for Loretta to be criticizing Leroy for sleeping in. It is the weekend after all. Maybe if he was just waking up after a long spell, sleeping off a night of binge drinking or if he literally fell into some sort of coma for 36 straight hours, then Loretta's displeasure would be justified. For a man who has supposedly gotten an excess amount of sleep, Leroy looks surprisingly sleep deprived. He may have some serious sleep apnea. Personally the first step he can take towards getting a better night's sleep would be to buy a pair of pajamas that fit him properly. Loretta gets the point and goes up 1-0.
• Any chance of Leroy making a late run and winning the year would have to involve more scenes like this where he confidently owns his flaws and brazenly antagonizes Loretta with them. Had Loretta been the one saying the exact same line, it would have been another slam dunk point for her, but Leroy's assured take on his lameness allows him to pull out the victory. If only he was as half as good at scoring insult points as he was at computer solitaire. Leroy scores the point and ties things up 1-1.
• There is this strong feeling that I have seen this exact scene in the marriage counselor's office with the exact same complaint before. There certainly must have been some subtle variations of it in the past; it is just too obvious a line not to have been covered throughout all the decades of "The Lockhorns". On a random note I just noticed now that the Lockhorns are almost always formally dressed when heading to a counseling session; seems a bit curious. Loretta earns the point and takes the lead 2-1.
• Loretta breaks out her renowned wordplay skills to ice yet another Sunday Showdown. Throwing Leroy's accusations of her cattiness right back at him. I kind of wonder if the origin of "catty" comes from a comparison to cats. I do find them to be quite subtly malicious (obviously I'm more of a dog person). I would also like to know what of debauched affair this party is. The smiling guy sitting in the back seems to be enjoying the beginning of a lap dance right in the middle of the party. Loretta gets another point and takes the day in convincing fashion 3-1.   

Official Count:

Leroy - 123

Loretta - 137

Push - 84

December 8, 2012

Cross-Room Rivalry

Official Count:

Leroy - 123

Loretta - 136

Push - 84

December 7, 2012

Snow Job

Official Count:

Leroy - 123

Loretta - 136

Push - 83

December 6, 2012

Trapped In The Closet

Official Count:

Leroy - 123

Loretta - 135

Push - 83

December 5, 2012

Surfer Lifestyle

Official Count:

Leroy - 122

Loretta - 135

Push - 83

December 4, 2012

The Catch of The Day

Official Count:

Leroy - 122

Loretta - 134

Push - 83

December 3, 2012

Jerk-A-Day Calender

Official Count:

Leroy - 121

Loretta - 134

Push - 83

December 2, 2012: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Do you think Dr. Blog had to purchase a special extra wide scale to facilitate the Lockhorns? The amount of business they give him would seemingly justify the investment. I have to give it up for the good doctor, if he keeps coming up with quality zingers like that I may have to start tallying points for him. Loretta can only sit back and begrudgingly admire the doctor's work. They say laughter is the best medicine, but I don't think the adage applies when the laughter is at the expense of the patient. I appreciate the work, but it's a push.
• Leroy's supposed reaction to Loretta's requests for work makes him comes off as more insane than lazy. Perhaps faking mental illness is all part of his plan to avoid chores. Maybe this is his own weird method of passive, non-violent protest. Gandhi had fasts and marches, Leroy has pretending he's on fire. It may appears quite unorthodox, but it seems to be working; it's a rare sight to see Leroy doing any chores. Yet another push, still waiting on that first point.
• I couldn't find the panels from August 13, 1994 and October 19, 2003 (if anyone out there could locate them, that'd be amazing), but I am fairly confident that those where not "good times" for the Lockhorns. At best they were likely "push" situations where neither Lockhorn insulted the other. Leroy is probably just mockingly throwing out random dates to further enrage Loretta. Why would he be trying to prevent Loretta from leaving the house? This is a dream scenario for him. Leroy gets the first point and takes a 1-0 lead.
• It would benefit Leroy going forward to dispose of the sculpture rather than to continue to displaying it for Loretta to mock. One might say he needs to address the elephant in the room. It's not the most ridiculous piece of art that Leroy has ever brought home, but it's still a means for Loretta to score some easy points. Loretta's friend does an admirable job in feigning interest, although her lack of pants is a bit troubling. Loretta gets the point and ties up the day 1-1.
• Loretta put in some extra effort today in antagonizing Leroy. Despite her complete disinterest in the sport she managed to find out and memorize the score of the game Leroy was recording just so she could spoil it for him. Her subtlety in ruining the outcome for Leroy was a bit lacking (how do you just casually let the score of a game slip?) but the results are there. Additionally, I'm surprised that the Lockhorns are familiar with Tivo-ing. I am going to assume that's just their generic term for programming the VCR. Loretta makes a late surge to capture the point and the day, 2-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 120

Loretta - 134

Push - 83

December 1, 2012

Not In The Cards

Official Count:

Leroy - 120

Loretta - 133

Push - 83

November 30, 2012

Home Gym

Official Count:

Leroy - 120

Loretta - 133

Push - 82

November 29, 2012

Trashed

Author's Note: You know it's bad when Leroy is lecturing you on tipping.

Official Count:

Leroy - 120

Loretta - 132

Push - 82

November 28, 2012

LOL

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 132

Push - 82

November 27, 2012

Tuesday Morning Coming Down

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 131

Push - 82

November 26, 2012

Not In My Backyard

*Author's note: This is either the home of the moving neighbors from yesterday or a sign that the housing market has recovered enough for more of the Lockhorns' neighbors to finally move away.

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 131

Push - 81

November 25, 2012: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to Enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• I suspect Loretta was going for an insult about Leroy's meager income but she just doesn't quite make her point in the panel. Had Loretta prefaced her comment with a line about how Leroy and Loretta earn essentially the same amount, then it would be insulting to Leroy to have his income compared to finding coins in the sofa. The way Loretta frames it actually makes her seem sort of lazy in comparison to Leroy; he's toiling at work all day and she's hanging around the couch most of the time. It's just a sloppy effort overall and we end up with a push.
• Given the overwhelming popularity of the NFL in America, Leroy's statement about the general watchability of any professional football game should ring true with many people. This is nowhere near some of the exaggerated displays of Tim Allen-style overly broad suburban male behavior by Leroy that torments Loretta to no end. Based on the crudely rendered player on the screen Leroy may be watching an Eagles game, their performance this year may actually prove to be the exception to the universal football enjoyment rule. Leroy gets the first point and takes a 1-0 lead.
• If Loretta doesn't want Leroy hogging up all the living room television time with his prolific football viewing, perhaps she should allow him to set up his own "man cave". I think Loretta's rejection of Leroy's "man cave" idea and apparent approval of his ridiculous "man tree house" scheme is based on her, probably correct, assumption that Leroy will find some way to horribly injure himself while attempting construction. She's probably already brainstorming new material to use at the hospital. In the present, however, it's a push. Leroy still leads 1-0.
• We are supposed to assume that Leroy is such an insufferable tightwad that he would be considering asking for the return of a housewarming gift from a moving neighbor many years after giving it to them. I like to think that the Lockhorns' neighbors actually decided to immediately move again after meeting the Lockhorns at their housewarming party. In that case, Leroy would have a legitimate claim in asking for his housewarming gift back. Still without further evidence, I'll go with the more conventional reading of Leroy being a miserable skinflint. Loretta scores a point and ties everything up 1-1 entering the final panel.
• Seeing the piercing daggers of flaming rage addressed at Leroy from Loretta and her mother, our burly highway trooper may just consider giving poor Leroy a break. If anything he should be commending Leroy for not letting Loretta drive the car thus preventing a whole mess of highway casualties. I am sure all law enforcement officials in the county have Loretta's picture on file. Leroy earns the point and pulls off an unlikely final panel victory in a hotly contested Sunday Showdown, 2-1.  

Official Count:

Leroy - 119

Loretta - 130

Push - 81

November 24, 2012

Mime Time

Official Count:

Leroy - 118

Loretta - 130

Push - 81

November 23, 2012

Wild Dress

Official Count:

Leroy - 117

Loretta - 130

Push - 81

November 22, 2012

Stone Cutter

Official Count:

Leroy - 117

Loretta - 130

Push - 80

November 21, 2012

Sweet Gift

Official Count:

Leroy - 116

Loretta - 130

Push - 80

November 20, 2012

Same Old Song

*Author's Note: Under current U.S. copyright laws that would mean their song most likely would have been published pre-1923 at the latest.

Official Count:

Leroy - 115

Loretta - 130

Push - 80

November 19, 2012

Bulking Up

Official Count:

Leroy - 115

Loretta - 130

Push - 79