February 28, 2009

Loretta does some of her best work when she hits below the belt, as in Leroy's pocketbook. It's really part of a two pronged assault: spend all of Leroy's hard earned money while at the same time constantly belittle him about how little he makes. There's no way Leroy can win. You'd think after forty some odd years of outrageous shopping debts and impulse buying sprees, Leroy would do a better job of hiding his credit cards. Unfortunately, Leroy is an idiot. The point goes to Loretta.

Official Count:
Leroy - 17
Loretta - 23
Push - 19

February 27, 2009

Oh Loretta, with just a few minor adjustments, you could have easily turned this lame comment about the sorry state of the household funds into a decent insult about the sorry state of Leroy's earning power; a definite missed opportunity if there ever was one. Also, considering how you don't actually have a job and ostensibly spend your days feeding your out of control shopping addiction, what's this "our money" talk? Push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 17
Loretta - 22
Push - 19

February 26, 2009

Did anyone else, immediately assume that Leroy is watching a porno? Man, that must be one excessively filthy piece of borderline obscene pornography for him to feel an actual level of guilt. Normally Leroy is unrepentant about the offensive material he watches around the house partially to irk and anger Loretta. Lets just be glad that the scene didn't involve finding him with his tiny pants on the floor around his gigantic feet. Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 17
Loretta - 22
Push - 18

February 25, 2009

While the statement about kissing Leroy is probably an outright lie, since they most likely sleep in early 60's sitcom style separate beds and the only physical contact between them are their frequent fist fights, it's still a sufficiently sharp dig at Leroy's shabbiness. Ever vigilant, Loretta never misses an opportunity during one of Leroy's crippling depressive episodes to capitalize on his extra slovenly appearance. All that's left for Leroy to do in go into the next room and cry for hours in the dark. Score a point for Loretta.

Official Count:
Leroy - 16
Loretta - 22
Push - 18

February 24, 2009

Normally a mother in law insult by Leroy isn't enough to warrant a point, but going by the look on her face, she really seems perturbed. My years of telling "Yo momma" jokes have taught me that criticism of another's mother, under the right circumstances, may actually rise to the level of an insult on the offspring as well. Comparing Loretta's mother to the Big Bad Wolf (which can also be construed as indirectly calling her a bitch), in this case, seems to have affected Loretta as strongly as a slight about her cooking or a crack about her bad driving. So after careful review, I'm awarding the point to Leroy.

Official Count:
Leroy - 16
Loretta - 21
Push - 18

February 23, 2009

I know the joke is supposed to turn on the "appletini" instead of "apple" distinction, but are we really supposed to believe that Leroy frequently drinks such a thing? We all know that Leroy drinks incessantly to dull the reality of his miserable marriage and existence, but isn't an appletini a bit too cosmopolitan for a man of his base tastes? However, I guess there are no good puns involving daily consumption of malt liquor/cheap vodka/turpentine that doesn't come off as sad and tragic. Also, I'm no bartender, but are you supposed to put an olive in an appletini? Loretta still nails the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 15
Loretta - 21
Push - 18

February 22, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Loretta's really been on a roll with the whole "humiliating Leroy about his low paying go nowhere job". Notice the happy silhouettes in the window showing how quickly the stifling, thick air of awkwardness and unease dissipates when the Lockhorns leave a party. Also, now they have Leroy's embarrassingly small salary to laugh about. Loretta kicks things off with the first point.
• A SHOT OF A SWEATY LORETTA IN A ONE PIECE LEOTARD! OH DEAR GOD NO!!! I don't know how many showers it'll take to make me feel clean again! Push, Push, for goodness sake, push!
• 1986? The Lockhorns have no interest in dressing up their current jalopy to look like some sort of distant future prototype flying rocket car! Push again.
  
• The Lockhorns are venturing into dangerous Ziggy-like territory with this unfeasible complaint they're lodging with the IRS. Also has anyone else noticed that nearly all other jobs in the Lockhorns' universe are done by the same character which may or may not be Leroy's best friend? Bizarre! A push once again.
  
• A solid rank out by Loretta, but unfortunately Leroy isn't around to hear it and make his usual angry face. She's really got to start writing these down and saving them for when Leroy's around for maximum effectiveness. If an insult is told in the forest and no one's around, is it an insult? In an especially non-confrontational day, Loretta's initial zing proves to be the 1-0 difference maker.

Official Count:
Leroy - 15
Loretta - 20
Push - 18

February 21, 2009

Okay I understand the punchline of the joke is that Loretta's figure is dumpy and unattractive, but I'm still not sure what the 6:30 is supposed to mean. What's the relation between an hourglass that measures time through the passage of sand and a standard clock? Is she supposed to look like an hourglass at 6:30? Or maybe she's supposed to look like a clock that's at 6:30 (which would render the hourglass comparison completely wrong)? Leroy would have been better off holding back on the witty gymnastics and just saying that Loretta had a fat ass. Still, a point to Leroy nevertheless.

Official Count:
Leroy - 15
Loretta - 19
Push - 18

February 20, 2009

You can always depend one of the Lockhorns to never let the other's injury go without bitterly rubbing salt in the wounds. Apparently Leroy is so inept at his job, that after forty or so years of being a slaving salary man, he's actually going backwards at his job. Leroy should still count himself lucky. In today's unfavorable economic climate, a broken down, skillless, old employee like Leroy would be one of the first to be included in a massive layoff. He looks like he's one pink slip away from a Michael Douglas in "Falling Down"-like rampage of destruction. Keep 'em coming Loretta. Point to Loretta.

Official Count:
Leroy - 14
Loretta - 19
Push - 18

February 19, 2009

It's a fairly standard situation demonstrating how Leroy is cheap and tactless. What's really interesting about this scene is trying to figure out what Leroy is carrying in his left hand. Ruler? Extremely narrow empty paper towel roll? Long brown licorice? I personally think it's a rusted piece of steel rebar that Leroy's brandishing around to drive home his point. He really doesn't want the tag to be removed. If Loretta knows what's good for her, she'll leave well enough alone before she has to explain another black eye to the neighbors. Unfortunately, there are no points for suspected threats of domestic violence. Give me actual domestic violence and we'll talk. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 14

Loretta - 18

Push - 18

February 18, 2009

Leroy drops a more direct "clue" that he is on to Loretta's plan to slowly poison him. To him, everyday that he consumes her cooking and lives is a delicious spiteful victory. Loretta better start looking for some other means to "deal with" Leroy (cut the brakes in the car, strangle him in his sleep, etc.). Also, as I learned after a few years of playing Clue with my sister during my childhood, Clue becomes a totally broken game with two people. Once one party suggests a weapon/room/person they don't have and the other party realizes they don't have that either, then it's obvious that it's the actual weapon/room/person that has been set aside. There's a reason why the box says 3 to 6 players. Leroy, with the point, in the kitchen.

Official Count:

Leroy - 14

Loretta - 18

Push - 17

February 17, 2009

Despite making no references in the past week to both Valentine's Day and President's Day, could Loretta's comment be a subtle nod to what technically would have been the final day of analog television? Since the Lockhorns are forever frozen decades in the past, it's pretty much a guarantee that the one channel they'll be watching through their rabbit ear antennas will be, by June, total static. Judging by the empty wall of "Poltergeist"-like snow that Leroy is intensely focused on, it seems that the Lockhorns' local station is one of the handful of early digital switchers. Better start investing in those new fangled converter boxes, Leroy. It's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 13
Loretta - 18
Push - 17

February 16, 2009

As their personal financial situations continue to disintegrate, the Lockhorns maintain a fairly cavalier attitude about the whole situation. Looks like the recently passed stimulus checks can't come fast enough for the Lockhorn household. Unfortunately, Loretta will probably just blow it all on oversized shoes at Macy's or something. The previous week was a pretty nice stretch of mostly solid verbal lobs between Leroy and Loretta. I guess you can't have steak everyday. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 13
Loretta - 18
Push - 16

February 15, 2009; Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• It is just another day at the marriage counselor's office for our favorite fractured couple. Leroy raises the age old complaint of many a disgruntled husbands: "my wife won't shut up." I guess the state of the union speech is a good comparison to make. I would have also accepted "filibuster." Point to Leroy.
• Another classic complaint is demonstrated here; this time it's the wife's age old gripe that: "my husband is incapable of saying 'I love you'." However, instead of Loretta bringing it up and using it against Leroy, he preemptively co-opts it and throws it back at her. Leroy's middle name must be Parkay because he's on a roll.
• Loretta accomplishes the rarest of Lockhorn insults, the one without any words. Loretta's uncontrollable shopaholism is a tricky double edged sword. On one hand it may be a source of ridicule by Leroy, but at the same time it can also be a means for her to get back at him. This is definately the latter. Loretta gains the point.
• Oh Loretta, don't you realize your entire marriage itself is the real prison? A prison from which there is no escape? Atleast she didn't make any references to conjucal visits. Loretta still gets the final say, so it's still her point.
• It appears to be another case of Leroy's outragously bad sense of directions. While the flaws of both Lockhorns are somewhat exagerrated for comic effect, Leroy's inept sense of direction has been consistently shown to go beyond mere hyperbole into the surreal and absurd. Equally bizarre is Loretta's ability to still manage to zing Leroy, despite the insanity. Loretta completes a furious comeback to take this Sunday 3 to 2, extending her lead to a season high five.
  

Official Count:

Leroy - 13
Loretta - 18
Push - 15

February 14, 2009

You'd think that on Valentine's Day, the most loathsome of holidays for the loveless masses, at least one of the Lockhorns would unleash an extra bitter dose of vitriol. Unfortunately, we're subjected to this rather perplexing comment by Leroy. How exactly does someone go "under the radar"? Then how does someone get them back "on the sonar"? Does Leroy try to avoid Loretta's air and land sensing capabilities by diving under water, only to be foiled by her use of sound propagation? I know there's an insult in there somewhere since Loretta looks displeased (you can really sense the electromagnetic waves emanating from her). I guess Leroy gets a point?

Also, on a side note, it's nice to see that the Lockhorns have at least another couple to have their depressing, gin soaked, rumpus room parties with. However, the awkward position of Loretta's friend's legs in the background make me question if they aren't just mannequins. Now that would be a sad and disturbing Valentine's Day.

Official Count:

Leroy - 13
Loretta - 17
Push - 15

February 13, 2009

Oh man, Loretta is really playing with fire with her incessant belittling of Leroy's paycheck and job status. It's bad enough that his work life is a frustrating, perpetual, nightmare, but to come home to insulting criticism by a nagging wife who just spent the whole day shopping you into the poorhouse is enough to drive any corporate monkey over the edge. I find these types of Lockhorn jokes to almost cross the line between funny and awkwardly sad; almost. An emphatic point for Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 12
Loretta - 17
Push - 15

February 12, 2009

I don't know which aspect of Loretta's cooking is at fault here. Does she make coffee that has the look and consistency of dipping sauce? Or does she make dipping sauce that has the look and consistency of coffee? Both scenarios are pretty appalling. Leroy is obviously going out of his way to criticize Loretta since, just by obvious logic, the coffee would likely be in the coffee mug and the dipping sauce would likely be in the dipping bowl. He has been in a bit of a slump lately so, I guess he'll take all the easy shots he can get. Leroy with the much needed point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 12
Loretta - 16
Push - 15

February 11, 2009

Loretta makes a bid for best point of the year! This is pure, unadulterated, Lockhorns hate at its most vicious. No subtle quips, no masked comments, no ambiguous meanings; just straight up spiteful enjoyment of another's misery. I love it! Notice the look of utter joy and content on Loretta's face. Hopefully Leroy didn't shatter his pelvis, lest Loretta burst out into complete pants-wetting hysterics.

Official Count:

Leroy - 11
Loretta - 16
Push - 15

February 10, 2009

It's another fruitless visit to the good counselor Pullman. Despite his dignified, Freud-like, appearance, Mr. Pullman's (never established to be an actual doctor) use of the highly dubious pop psychology of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus)" by John Gray (also never established to be an actual doctor) demonstrates his complete ineptitude at marriage counseling. As to Leroy's statement, it is actually a valid observation on married life. My own father once told me that half of having a successful is finding someone who agrees with the same temperature as you. It makes a lot of sense, considering you'll be living together with this person for the rest of your life. Despite the wisdom, no feelings were hurt, so I have to rule it a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 11
Loretta - 15
Push - 15

February 9, 2009

The Lockhorns' running commentary on the current US economic situation continues. This annoying preoccupation with the economy can be considered one of the more obscure, indirect, side effects of our current recession. It is in stark contrast to the prosperous economic boom of the late 90s when the Lockhorns were enjoying the returns on their dot com stocks and were free to devote more of their time to spite filled verbal sparring and less time stressing about layoffs and their credit. I guess we all have to tighten our belts during these difficult times. Also, the joke could have been funnier if you replaced "finances" with "marriage". Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 11
Loretta - 15
Push - 14

February 8, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Nothing like good old fashion insulting condescension to start off a Sunday Showdown. Obviously Leroy knows what the library is; that's where he borrows his videos. It's more dubious that he was been inside a bookstore. Point for Loretta still.
  
• Oh Leroy, judging by Loretta's furious reactions, that commentary track must have been none too flattering. Just wait until she gets to the deleted scenes, production notes, and assorted Easter eggs. An unusually tech savvy point for Leroy.
• I'm pretty sure this little jab at the bad economy was just an excuse to throw in some McDonald's product placement. Although the viewer's attention is supposed to be directed towards the detailed shot of the golden arches, trademark store architecture, and the accurate food display; I was mainly distracted by the sight of the Lockhorns seemingly driving a car without wheels. Push with that shake.
  
• Loretta misses a prime opportunity to kick Leroy when he's down. He has taken a buffoonish spill in front of everyone and is in acute pain, the whole situation is practically gift wrapped for Loretta! Unfortunately she fails to take advantage, instead giving a suggestion that borders on actual empathy and concern. It's a push.
• BARF!! Quality zing and all for Loretta but no one wants to see the sight of Leroy in some sort of sweat stained man baby half shirt with his gut hanging out. The Britney Spears joke works on two levels depending on what era Britney you're referring to. It could be a comparison to post-pregnancy, pre-comeback Britney's gross physique or it could be a general comparison to he frequent mid drift exposing wardrobe. Either way, can we put in him back in thick sweater again? On that sickening note, Loretta takes the day 2 to 1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 11
Loretta - 15
Push - 13

February 7, 2009

Leroy breaks out of his recent slump in a big way by going back to his most dependable source of insults: Loretta's awful cooking. Notice the bold emphasis on the "and" that gives that unexpected turn an extra kick. It may appear that, in the distance, Loretta is blissfully unaware of Leroy's cutting remarks; but we all know she's just maintaining that false smiling facade as to not ruin the occasion. Just under that smile is a seething ball of repressed rage. On the topic of the birthday party, I'm not entirely sure whose birthday it is. Judging by the overall purple decor, it seems likely that it's for Loretta's mute, Prince obsessed, friend. As for the day's point, it goes to Leroy.

Official Count:
Leroy - 11
Loretta - 14
Push - 13

February 6, 2009

Loretta is on fire this week as she lays the lowest of low blows on Leroy: insulting his salary. As an outdated caricature of the disgruntled 60's era company man, Leroy's view of himself as the hardworking breadwinner is one of the few nominal sources of pride in his life. When Loretta shatters that image by implying that he is vastly inferior and impotent at bringing home the bacon, it's downright devastating to Leroy. Judging by Leroy's warped, bitter expression; there's a pretty good chance that he punches Loretta right in her smug doughy face directly after this scene. Despite the black eye, Loretta will still have the point and the overall lead.

Official Count:
Leroy - 10
Loretta - 14
Push - 13

February 5, 2009

Instead of just courteously refusing the offer, Loretta masterfully flips a seemingly benign and harmless situation involving a charity solicitation into an insult about Leroy's entire way of life; brilliant. No question, the best Lockhorn jabs are ones like this where their ugly hatred bubbles up right in the middle of an unrelated, everyday life scene, making it super awkward for all other people involved. That poor, highway adoption enthusiast never suspected he'd find himself in this odd spot staring into the abyss of the Lockhorns' empty marriage. Tally up a point for Loretta.

Official Count:
Leroy - 10
Loretta - 13
Push - 13

February 4, 2009

Normally the general rule has been that there would be no credit for insults given without the other party being there to witness it. However, I'm willing to make an exception in this case. I can't really explain why, but I found myself being more amused than usual by the mental image of a simian Leroy waking up to become a primitive man. For the purposes of this exception we'll just have to constructively assume Leroy heard this comment while he was just off frame ogling the naked cave women statues that look like Rae Dawn Chong in "Quest for Fire". Unconventional point for Loretta.

Official Count:
Leroy - 10
Loretta - 12
Push - 13

February 3, 2009

Leroy's cheapness takes on monstrous dimensions as he shows that even while facing the frightening prospect of a life threatening medical diagnosis, his primary concern is the bill. That's our Leroy. Also what's up the doctor? Dr. H. Blog? Seriously? Is this some feeble, ham-fisted attempt by the Lockhorns at something resembling timeliness? I for one am not sure I'd be all that comfortable with a guy named Dr. Blog being my primary care physician, despite all the official looking head mirrors he seems to wear. Also, it's a shame that Loretta wasn't there to capitalize on Leroy's situation. Diagnosis: Push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 10
Loretta - 11
Push - 13

February 2, 2009

The turn of a single letter is all Loretta needs to get in her witty commentary. From the odd tableau, it looks like Loretta's purple friend is acting as some sort of unofficial marriage counselor with Leroy either: (a) closing his eyes in shame; (b) passed out from a night of heavy drinking; (c) suffering from a toothache; or (d) having just been fatally poisoned. Point for Loretta, nevertheless.

Official Count:
Leroy - 10
Loretta - 11
Push - 12

February 1, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Nicely played Leroy. I'm sure Loretta, like all classic comical hag wives, has a shrill, outrageously irritating singing voice. In addition, she probably also has a buffoonish, deluded impression that her voice is actually good. Way to exploit that traditional goldmine. One point to Leroy.
• A nice little example of Leroy's trademark frugality. I can totally imagine the Lockhorns' kitchen to be full of duck sauce packets and Subway napkins. Unfortunately, Loretta misses the chance to make some sort of comment about it. It takes two to insult. Push.
• I guess this is a commentary on the lack of promptness by home repair professionals? However, it's not all that wacky and implausible that someone might get their air conditioning fixed in preparation for summer, right? Push.
• Pot shots at the idiot box. Has it really come to this? For someone who is never seen reading a book and is pictured nearly half the time on the couch watching television, aren't we being a little hypocritical? Push it all around.
  
• You know for a frumpy, debt ridden, suburban couple, the Lockhorns sure seem to go to a lot of fancy parties attended by a never ending parade of Amazonian supermodel types. Can you really blame Leroy for his unfaithful wanderings? Assuming that "true north" is a real phrase pertaining to marital fidelity, Loretta gets the point and the tie, but overall the day goes to the push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 10
Loretta - 10
Push - 12