May 31, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• On its face, this scene is supposed to be a humorous demonstration of Leroy's ineptitude at doing handy jobs around the house. It could also be read to show the hopelessly outdated Leroy's laughable struggles with such "modern" task like changing a print cartridge. However, based on the sadistic look of joy on Loretta's face during her query, it's obvious she booby trapped the cartridge with an explosive dye pack. Loretta goes up one.
  
• While it may seem that Leroy's comments about Loretta's reckless driving could possibly be construed as a shocking display of concern for her well being, it's really more for the car (vintage, cherry red, Plymouth Acclaims are a rare find) and the wave of civil suits that'll no doubt be brought by families of the dozens of bystanders she will mow down on her way to the mall. Leroy gets the point.
• None of this makes any sense. Why would Leroy's 3rd grade teacher call decades upon decades later for a book report? Is that the book report in his hands? If the point of this scene is supposed to show that Leroy is stupid or bad at school, it sure does a poor (and quite confusing) job of it. Maybe it's implying that Leroy is currently attending the third grade in some sort of Billy Madison-esque scheme to repeat his primary school education? A confusing push for everyone.
• Not only is the good doctor Blog's nurse unbelievably creepy looking with her freakish button eyes and her gigantic, omnipresent, criminally insane, smile; but it seems that she also takes sick personal pleasure in taunting the Lockhorns. She could have just told them that their health plan didn't apply rather than cruelly pointing to the "alternative options" on an obviously blank piece of paper. Push.
• The mystery of how Leroy remains plump and alive despite being served a daily diet of inedible (frequently poisoned) culinary disasters may be solved. His main source of sustenance appears to be all the words that Loretta shoves into it. Judging by Leroy's physique, Loretta's words contain a lot of transfats and empty calories. Despite the diet, Leroy manages to get a few of his words in and wins the point and the day with a close 2-1 victory.

Official Count:
Leroy - 43
Loretta - 54
Push - 54

May 30, 2009

These shots of the Lockhorns sheepishly walking out of another cocktail party they've been expelled from have become so frequent that I think I should start considering them to be their own category, like Loretta being pulled over by a cop or Leroy looking depressed at the mall. While I don't care enough to shift through the previous 5 months of posted scenes, I have a strong suspicion that this is just a straight up repeat of a past scene with different captions. As for this scene in particular, Loretta may be getting the final word in but Leroy is really the underlying winner for embarrassing Loretta and thwarting her futile attempts to climb up that Levittown social ladder. Leroy scores again.

Official Count:
Leroy - 42
Loretta - 54
Push - 54

May 29, 2009

In the warped, twisted world of the Lockhorns, this is about as close as one of them gets to a genuinely thoughtful gesture. Even though Leroy's ultimate goal is to purchase something that will disappoint Loretta, the fact that he is even in a jewelry store contemplating the purchase of something of actual tangible value can be considered as close as it gets to a grand romantic gesture. However, based on Leroy's lack of earning power and his legendary frugality, Leroy may be better served by the kind of jeweler that keeps his inventory in the lining of his jacket rather than a fancy four walled store. I eagerly await Loretta's sad reaction when she gets her "gift". Leroy gets the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 41
Loretta - 54
Push - 54

May 28, 2009

Loretta makes some bold strides into the 21st century by purchasing and learning to use a digital camera. She has even gained enough proficiency with it to incorporate it into her daily pursuit of irritating Leroy. Unfortunately, Leroy, ever the reactionary, is angered and confused at this bizarre metallic device that has apparently captured his soul. Speaking of photography, in great contrast to 99% of their other scenes which are long shots, this rare medium shot of the Lockhorns from the waist up is totally freaking me out. Loretta scores the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 40
Loretta - 54
Push - 54

May 27, 2009

Judging by Loretta's look of utter defeat and despondency, it would seem that she suddenly realized a few other sad, inescapable facts in addition to her clothes being merely outdated. Perhaps she had an epiphany about her faded looks, her empty suburban existence, her hopeless addiction to shopping, or her ongoing unhappy marriage to a feckless idiot husband. Leroy really had his pick of the bunch, but it seems he went with the least depressing realization so as to not make things even more awkward with his curious friend. Despite the slightly restrained effort, Leroy still earns the point.

Official Count:
Leroy - 40
Loretta - 53
Push - 54

May 26, 2009

Is there a joke in here somewhere? I mean, isn't that what the Lockhorns are supposed to be about? Aren't we supposed to find something ostensibly humorous in the daily scenes of negativity and misfortune in their lives? Even after reading an entire wikipedia article on the common carpenter ant, I still am not sure what the punchline is. My only guess is that carpenter ants can easily be eliminated by exterminators but this rather unscrupulous professional (like all professionals that the Lockhorns deal with) is attempting to take advantage of the Lockhorns by not fully exterminating the ants and insuring himself another job? Can't we just go back to more scenes of Loretta burning the roast or Leroy hitting on other women at parties? Push, push, push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 39
Loretta - 53
Push - 54

May 25, 2009

Quite a disturbing sight indeed. It seems that the Lockhorns' simmering marital tensions have escalated beyond the point of catty digs and cruel jokes and have manifested into a spontaneous arm wrestling competition! Leroy's observation about their relationship is a massive understatement. It should be more along the lines of "have you noticed that our relationship has gone from merely hate-filled to completely demented?" Leroy doesn't stand a chance, that's Loretta's credit card using arm. Since there's no decision, I have to call it a push.

Official Count:
Leroy - 39
Loretta - 53
Push - 53