March 31, 2009

I wonder, based on Loretta's accounts of Leroy's lethargy and the countless panels of him passed out on the couch, if Leroy may be suffering from some sort of undiagnosed physical problem like chronic fatigue syndrome. Unfortunately, any hope for a diagnosis and possible future treatment seem unlikely as Leroy is probably not going to get any useful information from his regular doctor. I'm also not ruling out crippling depression and debilitating alcoholism as possible culprits as well. In any case, Loretta has no complaints, for her it's an endless goldmine for snide comments and putdowns. Where would she be with an active, healthy, Leroy? Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 24

Loretta - 36

Push - 30

March 30, 2009

This is a pretty elaborate scheme on the part of Leroy. Going all the way to the lingerie department and picking stuff out; I applaud the effort. As per Leroy's plan, I think that there's a far greater chance that Loretta would return the gift not because of its small size but because she'll immediately notice that her undergarment is a clownish bright orange. Perhaps he was better off getting her the prominently displayed puke green polo shirt that seems to be considered lingerie in this store. I think that's just about as much exposure we want out of Loretta. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit due to the unintentional mental image of Loretta wearing anything resembling lingerie. The point goes to Leroy.

Official Count:

Leroy - 24

Loretta - 35

Push - 30

March 29, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• So I'm going assume that Loretta attempted to drive the old sedan home without fueling up and it ran out of gas midway up the driveway. That seems to be the only way this scene can be construed as something resembling a joke. One of these days, Loretta's criminally reckless driving habits will catch up to her when she hits a child or causes a fatal multi-car highway pile up. Leroy will get the point then as well.
• I find it a little hard to believe that Loretta, who is incapable of cooking food that doesn't look like mounds of gray mush, would even attempt something as relatively exotic as French cuisine. Looking at the plate it appears that Loretta has applied her special culinary touch to whatever French recipe she has attempted. For a guy who is served so much awful food, you'd think Leroy would be skinnier. Leroy goes up by two.
• These rare moments where Loretta seems to be showing compassion and affection, I find far more unsettling and scary than any direct threat. These sly backhanded compliments also seem to come off meaner and more spiteful in the end. If I were Leroy, I would immediately leave the room anytime Loretta attempted to put her stubby meat hooks around my shoulders. The point goes to Loretta.
• I wouldn't really call moving an object as "using" it. I wouldn't say I "used" my car by pushing it or "used" my toaster by removing it from the kitchen. It's a slightly awkward fitting joke, but we all get it: Leroy is lazy, out of shape, and completely lacking in will power. Also, look how unhappy Leroy looks even while taking a restful slumber. One can only imagine the horrors that haunt his dreams. Loretta ties it up.
  
• If the Lockhorns aren't fans of Hamlet, I don't understand why they would go watch the play again. It was the same lazy joke then and it's the same lazy joke now: Leroy is uncultured. Although there's not enough proof, I suspect all these theater trips are part of an elaborate plan by Loretta to make Leroy's life all the more unenjoyable. However, until I get more hard evidence, it's still a push for the panel and ultimately for the entire day.

Official Count:

Leroy - 23

Loretta - 35

Push - 30

March 28, 2009

So is this the dreaded, brick throwing, intolerable, mother-in-law that Leroy regularly both fears and ridicules? I sort of expected a bit more outrageous a caricature; something more like a white, doughy version of Tyler Perry's Madea character. Of course beneath that seemingly innocuous, retired, schoolmarm exterior may be a real cold blooded shrew of a women who combines with Loretta to become a vicious double team against Leroy. When it comes to insults directed at Loretta's mother in law I have to make a judgment call as to if it is offensive enough to actually count as a point for Leroy. In this case, I don't think a lazy, idle treat involving clearly non-existent hounds is enough for Leroy to claim a victory. Push.

Also, I haven't completely ruled out that possibility that the lady may not be Loretta's mother, but a proselytizing Jehovah's witness. However, then you have to wonder why Loretta would be so offended by Leroy's comments about them.

Official Count:

Leroy - 23

Loretta - 35

Push - 29

March 27, 2009

Considering the fact that Leroy has never been seen wearing cargo pants, or really any other pants outside of his standard black slacks, the only plausible reason for him being here is for the sole purpose of Loretta joking about the excess weight he's carrying. This is a good example of why Loretta currently enjoys her commanding lead. Not only does she take advantage of the opportune insult moments that arise, she also creates her own scoring opportunities like this where she drags him into the cargo section just to mock him. Despite the reference to Leroy's shifting "cargo" being a little too close for comfort to a reference to his shifting "package", it's a solid point for Loretta.

Official Count:

Leroy - 23

Loretta - 35

Push - 28

March 26, 2009

The obvious aim of Leroy's comment is to point out to Loretta the futility of her careful efforts to mask her unappealing, aging, appearance with cosmetics. It's sort of along the lines of the times when he callously bursts her bubbles of oblivious confidence regarding her cooking, singing, or musical abilities. However, there is also the distinct alternative possibility that Loretta's uncontrollable shopping addiction has forced her to commit daily acts of identity fraud to satisfy her massive debts and Leroy's coldly condemning her for it. In either scenario, there's no doubt that Leroy's getting the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 23

Loretta - 34

Push - 28

March 25, 2009

Having fallen significantly behind in the year long tally and badly hurting for a point, Leroy gets some unexpected help from the the good counselor Pullman. Even as a professional marriage counselor who is trained and expected to be a great listener, Pullman still has his own personal limits. Leroy better not expect a lot of his future to be assisted by third parties, points are won in the insult to insult shag carpeted battle fields of the home front. Next time, Leroy may not get the benefits of "bros before hoes". Savor the flavor of the point for today, but don't rest on your laurels for tomorrow and beyond.

Official Count:

Leroy - 22

Loretta - 34

Push - 28