December 7, 2009

Every once in a while, the Lockhorns take a break from their usual back and fourth routine and find themselves in some really surreal Lynchian scenes. For instance, a simple night at the movies takes a turn into the bizarre when Leroy's "Star-Spangled Banner" ringtone causes everyone in the theater to suddenly stand simultaneously in glassy-eyed attention like a bunch of patriotic zombies. Loretta, never one to be distracted by mind blowing weirdness, only questions Leroy as to when he switched is ringtone. Overall though, I do enjoy these occasional insane pushes over the the common ones. Push.

I wonder if that bald guy up front knows that his long lost Mexican-American half brother is sitting right behind him?

Official Count:

Leroy - 107
Loretta - 136
Push - 98

December 6, 2009: Sunday Showdown!

(Click to enlarge)

Clockwise from the bottom left:

• Today's Sunday Showdown kicks off with the always terrifying sight of Loretta belting out the classics on the family piano, making Edith Bunker sound like Alicia Keys by comparison. Leroy instantly gives his trained Pavlovian response to Loretta's familiar shrill stimuli: a cutting remark. If only Leroy really could ship Loretta off to band camp, it would accomplish the dual goals of temporarily getting rid of Loretta and potentially teaching her some degree of musical ability. Alas, all Leroy can do is give his insults and collect his points. Leroy goes up 1-0.
  
• The latest edition of Leroy's tacky antique road show brings us this kitschy bear lamp. Loretta is more than ready to ruin Leroy's fleeting moment of happiness and satisfaction by once again criticizing his horrible aesthetic sensibilities. No doubt, Leroy's prized auction item will in the coming days be found "mysteriously" destroyed like many of his other favorite possessions a la "A Christmas Story". Loretta ties it up.
• We find ourselves skipping through the horror and bloodshed of another session at the marriage counselor's and straight to the eventual conclusion. With her massive head held up high, it appears that Loretta has won this battle in the endless war of attrition that is the Lockhorns' failed marriage. Thoroughly defeated for now, all Leroy can do is put in his grumbling complaints and hope for a more favorable outcome at the next visit. Loretta takes the lead 2-1.
• Every so often, one of the Lockhorns will cross the proverbial line in terms of their actions against the other; where their spite and cruelty goes beyond what is normally expected by even Lockhorn standards. This would appear to be such a situation. All poor Leroy wanted was his usual breakfast of whiskey loaded Irish coffee to dull the pain of his miserable existence; but Loretta sadistically denied him of even that. Take away his booze and what has the man got? How else can he get through the day? It's a downright ice cold move by Loretta. Loretta goes up 3-1.
• A look of actual happiness on Leroy's face? He must be drunk and dancing with a bimbo! While Leroy burns up the dance floor with his latest Amazonian conquest, Loretta turns to her trusted friend/sounding board to voice her latest complaint. Although it has cost him countless points all year long, Leroy just refuses to give up the giant bimbos. With this point Loretta puts the exclaimation point on this Sunday blowout 4-1.

Official Count:

Leroy - 107
Loretta - 136
Push - 97

December 5, 2009

I refuse to accept that the Lockhorns haven't used the "dog-eat-dog" idiom until today. It's such a well worn old chestnut, that I wouldn't be surprised if its was used in the first ever Lockhorn panel. I've only been following 2009 thus far, so maybe there exists a whole bunch of instances of the phrase from the last 40 or so years. With that being said, Loretta's use of it here is downright devastating. Essentially writing off Leroy as a complete loser in front of everyone within shouting distance at the cocktail party is as harsh as it gets. Leroy looks especially dismayed that he just lost the respect of his older bald mustachioed acquaintance. Loretta nails the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 107
Loretta - 135
Push - 97

December 4, 2009

Is it me or does it seem like the Lockhorns' assigned IRS agent is getting increasingly derisive with every visit? Years upon years of persistently fraudulent paperwork and inaccurate returns would wear down even the most seasoned and professional of IRS agents. At this point it's a game of chicken between the IRS agent and Leroy. Now it's a question of how many income tax shenanigans can Leroy pull and the agent will tolerate before he is eventually sent to prison. The endless struggle continues and, like Alien vs. Predator, whoever wins we lose. Push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 107
Loretta - 134
Push - 97

December 3, 2009

Leroy's intense air batoning session reminds me of that old episode of the Simpsons where Bart visits Principal Skinner at his home and finds him similarly air batoning to a recording of Beethoven. That scene and this may very well be the only two known depictions of air batoning in the history of media. That being said, I'm actually quite surprised to see Leroy even listening to classical music. For a man who has shown such disdain for the theater, it's a bit incongruous to see him rocking out to the the classics. I would have sooner expected him to be air guitaring than channeling his inner Leonard Bernstein. Of course, the one consistent thing about all this is Loretta's unceasing mockery of Leroy. Loretta gets the point.

Official Count:

Leroy - 107
Loretta - 134
Push - 96

December 2, 2009

Today's scene finds Leroy explaining to his fellow blue smock wearing commuter and co-worker his lopsided holiday routine with Loretta. Although Leroy's comments about Loretta's spendthrift ways would be a good clean point for him, unfortunately he isn't in the presence of her to make it official. Had he only just waited to unleash his critical commentary at some crowded cocktail party or a terrible dinner gathering or while chatting with the next door neighbors when both Lockhorns would be within hearing distance of each other, he would have earned a much needed point. Alas, it's just another push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 107
Loretta - 133
Push - 96

December 1, 2009

It's another depressing scene at the giant old fashioned clerk desk as the Lockhorns take stock of and make somber jokes about their ever worsening finances. Loretta makes a topical reference about Somali pirates that's only about half a year late; I think it's a new personal best. Although given the age of the Lockhorns, Loretta's comment may be referring to the older, skull and bones, pirates. All in all, the whole efforts also seems a bit forced. It's obvious that there has never been a situation in the Lockhorns' long miserable lives where their "ship" was anywhere near "coming in", but for the sake of her punchline Loretta had to start off with a little fiction. Both Lockhorns lose, it's a push.

Official Count:

Leroy - 107
Loretta - 133
Push - 95